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soconfusednow (original poster member #40078) posted at 8:51 PM on Thursday, October 17th, 2013
WH A happened mostly at work, he kept condoms & things OW gave him there. He preferred I didn't come to his work.
Now, I'm welcome to come there. 
I meet him so we can go to lunch or I bring it and we eat there. I try to live in the moment and enjoy our time together.
Then it hits me and I want to go through his desk, work area & where he keeps his personal supplies. The urge is almost overwhelming. Do I look when he’s busy, with him watching me or not at all? I don’t want to spoil our time together. I want to build a bridge not burn it. I’d like to tell him how I feel, so we can work through it together. But if there is something there he’ll know to hide it someplace different before I have a chance to look.
As our time is almost over the dreaded question comes. Where are you going when you leave? I want to ask….Why do you want to know? Do you really care or is she coming by? Do you want to make sure I’ll be gone & won’t come back? 
What are you doing when I leave?
Is the A really over or has it gone underground? He seems to be doing/saying all the right things. Our relationship has a long way to go yet appears better than it has been in years. Then again the reason I suspected his A 20+ years ago was he was treating me “too nice.” The day I caught them together he wanted to know my plans for the entire day.
I’m fighting tears all the way home……..I almost made it there before they began to fall.
Damn I hate this! We still have three people in our marriage even if he’s no longer seeing the OW. I just can’t seem to get rid of her. 
D-Day January 2013
prior EA in the 90's
me 50's WH 50's
NC-several, last broken NC 7/2013 (?)
Married 30+ years, 2 kids
Want to believe it's over, but is it really? Will I ever trust again?
unfound ( member #12802) posted at 9:01 PM on Thursday, October 17th, 2013
If he's truly remorseful and in this R with you, then there should be no problem with looking through his desk right in front of him or letting him know that you're triggering about the whole work place thing. He should reassure you and help you build trust by either offering this up or understanding when you have these feelings.
The feelings themselves are perfectly normal. They can drive you nuts, I know. If you're able to talk with him about them, discuss what transparency (proactive transparency is even better) and how that transparency builds trust and eventually will lessen the more it's given, then it can get better and get back to just the two of you in the marriage.
[This message edited by unfound at 3:01 PM, October 17th (Thursday)]
ka-mai
*************
Kids on the playground can be so cruel. “Get off the swings you’re like 50, and stop talking about Soundgarden, we don't even know what that is."
soconfusednow (original poster member #40078) posted at 11:36 PM on Thursday, October 17th, 2013
If he's truly remorseful and in this R with you,
this is what I want to believe, but my gut keeps nagging I'm just not sure it's not false R again.
D-Day January 2013
prior EA in the 90's
me 50's WH 50's
NC-several, last broken NC 7/2013 (?)
Married 30+ years, 2 kids
Want to believe it's over, but is it really? Will I ever trust again?
karmahappens ( member #35846) posted at 11:50 PM on Thursday, October 17th, 2013
Well, you may as well get the feelings out.
I would pop in at work and tell him. Just say because of the rocky starts your mind won't let go of the thought that there are things at work he has hidden.
IMO if he is really in R he will spread his arms and say look anywhere you need to. If he isn't I would predict anger and attacking you.
I would rather know the truth. It will come out one way or the other.
Hopefully he will offer you the reassurance you need and tell you his office is open to you.
I would NOT give him a heads up obviously, if something is fishy it just gives him time to hide things.
Good luck.
“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd
Scubachick ( member #39906) posted at 5:59 AM on Friday, October 18th, 2013
I stopped by on a day he was off. Asked my son for the security code to get into his office door. Brought some plastic bins with me. Surprise! I cleaned up and organized your office for you. It was a mess too. Didn't find much though.
1ost0ne ( member #40202) posted at 5:07 PM on Friday, October 18th, 2013
We still have three people in our marriage even if he’s no longer seeing the OW. I just can’t seem to get rid of her.
This resonates with me as well. I constantly feel that there are three people are in our bed. It has interrupted intimacy several times.
“The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.”
― Maya Angelou
soconfusednow (original poster member #40078) posted at 5:19 AM on Saturday, October 19th, 2013
I made an unplanned visit to his work. Told him I was frustrated & wanted to look through his things. I needed to get it out of my system & put it behind me. He gave me a hug and said look all you want. Then he talked to me while I was doing it, keeping the conversation lighthearted & fun.
I’m looking through everything and I find something................an old picture of me.
In my opinion he scored big time today!
D-Day January 2013
prior EA in the 90's
me 50's WH 50's
NC-several, last broken NC 7/2013 (?)
Married 30+ years, 2 kids
Want to believe it's over, but is it really? Will I ever trust again?
Raven96 ( member #40298) posted at 3:53 PM on Saturday, October 19th, 2013
A victory for you! I am so glad you feel good, and I am very happy that his reaction to your needs was what it was!!!
Marriage isn't a test, so why cheat?
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