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2oldforthis (original poster member #19825) posted at 1:30 PM on Saturday, October 19th, 2013
Below is a page from a book I am reading. I really liked how this was worded. Thought I would pass it on.
I have a term for the
conversations that you and your partner have about his affair. I call these repeated conversations
The Mode
A huge part of my recovery program is getting into The Mode. You're in The Mode when the victim is running her pump venting and asking questions and the aldulterer is handling her with patience, kindness, sensitivity, gentleness, and love.
Every time the two of you have an in The Mode interaction about his adultery, it is a healing moment. It might not seem to be because the postitive impact is not felt immediately. After one of these conversations, you won't smile and hug your husband and say, "Hey thanks for listening and answering all my questions. That was a real healing moment." Even if he has done a good job and handled himself well, you may still stomp off in a fury with reactivated pain. But underneath, a connection was made.
A little bit of understanding, a little bit of respect, a little bit of trust was created. A little bit of healing took place. When you've had a certain number of these healing moments. the two of you and your marriage will be well on the way to recovering from his adultery.
He did not see what he had in me, what I saw in him I did not have!
Love kills slowly.
Drowninginitall ( member #40968) posted at 3:54 PM on Saturday, October 19th, 2013
Thanks. This helps me a lot to read today and is how I have been feeling...slowly.
BW 44
DDay 10/2013, 4/2014, 6/2014
With a whole lot of TT, lies, gas lighting and false R in between.
3 DC
DIVORCED 5/16
SisterMilkshake ( member #30024) posted at 3:59 PM on Saturday, October 19th, 2013
Thanks for sharing this 2old. I feel that is what happened with FWH and I and it did work in that manner for us.
This could be an especially good encouragement to WS's who don't feel that their talking/interactions about the infidelity is helping in the healing process.
BW (me) & FWH both over half a century; married several decades; children
d-day 3/10; LTA (7 years?)
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak." ~ Homer Simpson
struggling3 ( member #34671) posted at 4:26 PM on Saturday, October 19th, 2013
It's been a huge part of the healing process for us. Boy some of those nights and conversations were raw and hard beyond belief on the both of us. We always (without exception) felt so much better afterwards though. Maybe not that very second but certainly by the next day after a night's sleep. Don't stop talking...it's key!!!
Me - BS 58
H - WS 60/very remorseful and supportive
discovered 4 month long EA
R - slow and steady but very optimistic
WhatsRight ( member #35417) posted at 5:25 PM on Saturday, October 19th, 2013
I hate to be cynical, but do you ever notice that those of us reading these books,articles, etc., are usually the BS?
It is such a great excerpt. It would be so fabulous, though, if my WH was proactive and reading something like this---or even interested if I shared it with him!
"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt
I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy
SisterMilkshake ( member #30024) posted at 5:29 PM on Saturday, October 19th, 2013
Ain't that the fucking truth, WhatsRight!
BW (me) & FWH both over half a century; married several decades; children
d-day 3/10; LTA (7 years?)
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak." ~ Homer Simpson
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