SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

And that it's what you wanted? We are only 6 weeks post DDay, but have been working hard. I had a lightbulb moment that of course everyone knew (not suspected, but knew). That part isn't unexpected, but WH lying for 6 weeks that no one knew (and other lies to cover that up) just resulted in a huge blow up.

Part of me feels like I should accept and expect that he wanted to protect our friends from being blamed, and preserve those friendships (I am friends with their wives) in case we get through it.

For those who have been here, is a lie a lie? Or should I accept this? Am I being unrealistic and expecting too much change too soon?

I'm only about 3 months from

Dday and my WS had a ONS (he stopped what we was doing but still went to far) and I knew we could get past this because of love. Because he told me right after it happened with sorrow and remorse. He never hid it or anything. My WH thought no one knew (turns out some friends did) and was upset that they did. He didn't mean to lie to me about people not knowing. He genuinely thought no one did know. Me persoanlly it's how you look at it. Did he lie to cover it up or did he really not know? Did he not want to lay all the details on you all at once?

I've heard to not decide anything for 6 months -- your emotions will be all over the place.

I knew pretty much immediately that I would fight for my marriage, but everyone is different and it is perfectly normal not to know.

TT or Trickle Truth is a very regular occurrence after confrontation. The truth slowly starts peeking out from behind the lies.

Just because it is normal does not mean you have to accept it. That is completely your decision. Many people here say that it is not the affair that kills the M it is the lies that come after.

I personally received 10 month of TT until the whole truth came out. Even since then there have been a few times I have caught her non A related lies. Old habits die hard. Change takes a lot of time and work.

To answer your question....I knew that if she committed to the work that R would be possible. I believed in the process. For us R has been a very positive experience but it took a leap of faith that she would do the work.

After Dday 1 immediately I wanted R. Of course I had no idea of the depth of his betrayal at that point. None.

We had a year of false recovery, a second epic Dday and more trickle truth for 3 months.

Finally 6 months after Dday 2 and three months after getting his head out of his ass and getting serious about reconciling, that's when I knew. He had to prove he wanted it though.

They didn't know all the details- but knew he had something on the side and with who. He outright lied that anyone knew, and then concocted stories about him telling them about it to be accountable and said they suspected. In reality, he told them he got caught not that he did it. I understand why he wouldn't want me to know they all knew. It's just so hard to believe any of the progress when I know he's still been able to look me in the eyes and lie.

I want so badly to get beyond this and trust him. It's just so hard with TT... One day he's totally calm and open to questions and the next angry and mean. I just don't know whether its worth the gamble... I want it to be. But I don't want to look back 10 yrs from now and regret staying.

I know he's trying to change long term, patterned behaviour. I am trying to be reasonable and patient...but it is so hard to know what the right move is. And I haven't told anyone what is really going on, because then it would be over.

I just wish I knew what I could accept and live with.

You don't have to commit to D or R right away. You can decide to not D for now and watch and see what happens.

I set a bunch of rules and committed to a year. I completely expected, and honestly hoped, she would fail so I could leave with a clear conscience.

She almost did. At 10 months she got her shit together and we have both been healing ever since. I'm glad I stayed.

You just don't know at first.

It took us a long time.

I wanted to, but my wife was very broken.

21 months into it I walked out. I came back later that day, took off my ring, told her she could go, or stay, but I was never to be treated like she treated me that day again, and I wasn't leaving my kids and my house because of her actions or lack thereof. It took 6 months of counseling to get back on track, and she had to own her shit.

There is nothing that compares to how hard this is.

I asked for a D 3 months after my fWH stopped his LTA, before I knew anything about it. He had become distanced from myself, it had become habitual and I remember saying to him that I didn't make him happy, he didn't make me happy, and there was no point in continuing together. After 6 weeks of living apart but in the same house I asked him if he wanted to try one more time. After I went away for the w/end, we both made strennuous efforts to reconnect, and somehow it all worked, and we had the happiest 7 1/2 months I think we'd ever had.

Then d-day out of the blue when I found old e-mails. Without those wonderful months together with the poisonous relationship out of our lives I don't think we'd still be together. Also, despite some TT, I could see my H was devastated at the damage he had caused both myself and the fAP's H, and was prepared to do anything and everything to repair the damage.

So it was definitly worth trying to R, and although not always easy, I'm glad we have.

One of the most difficult things for a WS to accept is the damage continual lying has on R. It took a long time for fWH to get this, the usual excuse is "not wanting to hurt you any more". But it's important they do finally get this and let you make your own decisions based on what you know. If you chose to continue friendships or not based on the truth then he should respect this. Nobody else knew about my H's LTA apart from one of his old friends up country, and I've told him he will not be welcome in my house.

I'm still not sure. I love the man he is now - its really not THAT much different than before his affairs.

But it seems to me that staying says I'm ok with abuse, and that's what it was, especially catching him twice within three months.

I told him last night I loved him but I didn't like my life. I guess my life is mine to make it. But I cannot stop thinking negatively about him and that's not fair to him. I'm trying!!

I'm just past two months from D-Day, so I can't say that I know for sure that R is possible, though I know my WW and I are working hard on it.

The biggest thing for me, though, was that from the moment I decided to confront her about the affair I knew I was going to be alright. Whether R worked or not, I was going to be alright.

So when I went into the confrontation, I didn't have existential fears about the future, but just practical ones.

On a more pragmatic note, I had (more or less) all of the information ahead of time. I didn't know exact times of day for her trysts, but I did know what day and what general part of the day that things had gone one. I knew to within a couple weeks when the affair had started, and when interest had started. While computer savvy, she's not particularly security savvy, so once I suspected I had access to all of her accounts and computers. That helped a lot.

So when we talked, I said that I'd seen some IMs between my wife and the OM that I wasn't comfortable with, and let her do almost all of the talking.

She didn't leave anything out from what I knew, or try to talk around what had happened. That's how I knew that if we weren't going to reconcile, we'd make a darn good attempt at it.

In confessing, my W took responsibility and knew she had fucked up. She immediately took steps to prevent further damage and to fix her broken-ness/heal herself. She immediately got us a JC appointment which worked out very well. She immediately said she wanted to stay together. Over the following 90 days, her actions backed up her words.

Also, I read Shilrey Glass (NOT "Just Friends") who wrote, IIRC, that 20% of the couples in which both partners desired to R failed to R, which meant 80% succeeded. So Glass and our MC said R was a good bet.

I worked on R from the beginning, but I didn't commit to R until I watched my W for 90 days. R might have been easier if I had waited longer before committing.

I knew immediately I could R, but I didn't tell him. I watched his actions, saw him screw up and struggle...put on some bitch boots, kicked him out and pretended like I was fine with D.

He came around and has done everything right, we didnt commit to R until 5 months after dday.

This for me

They didn't know all the details- but knew he had something on the side and with who

is a painful fallout of an A. They knew and didn't tell. I bet some of the wives knew too, something.

Anyone that knew about the A and kept quiet are no longer in our circle of friends.

We had to let go of people that would be ok with secrets that would harm us. "Friends" that cared so little about our well-being? No way, they should have slapped the shit out of him and come straight to me.

It hurt, but we found a new circle of friends, ones that nurture their relationships, respect their spouses and do what is good for their marriage.

We went through a lot of "self healing" before we tried to heal the marriage. It is much easier to navigate with a clear head and the initial IC helped us get there. The path to R, when we were ready, was clear then and we didn't question our direction.

Good luck!

ETA: I let the so-called friends know why we were no longer in contact. I had a few come to me after dday acting all concerned...like they didnt know what to do. I let them know I understood, that they made their choice and now we had to choose what was best for us. Got a few dropped jaws, but that was ok, I was trying to save my family.

[This message edited by karmahappens at 10:44 PM, October 21st (Monday)]

I was in such pain I couldn't think clearly for months. Advice here at SI assured me I didn't have to make any life changing decisions right away ...to give myself a year....that I wasn't thinking clearly right after Dday and they were spot on for me.

It really wasn't until I worked through the shock, the pain and then the anger that I started to believe we could R....and that wasn't for almost a year.

So be kind to yourself and take good care of yourself. Your WS actions and your own feelings, over time, will let you know whether R is possible or not. For some infidelity is a deal breaker and others, it is not.