SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Vote on my straw poll.

I've been divorced many months now. It still hurts when I think about it. I have a SO who adores me and we've been together 2 years. He is so kind to me and is a good man. He's was widowed 2 years before we met. We get on fine, there's just one problem....... I feel no chemistry. I'm 51. My heart tells me that this isn't enough to last on for the rest of my days. My head tells me that I should be counting my lucky stars and be thankful for what I have and that there aren't many second chances around at my age. What do others think?

Sorry for the typo!

[This message edited by hester at 6:35 PM, October 24th (Thursday)]

I was almost 46 when I met my SO, and I'm 49 now. I knew coming from my marriage that I wasn't going to settle for a lackluster sex life ever again. I'd rather be in no relationship than in one where there's no chemistry. If SO and I hadn't been compatible in the bedroom, I wouldn't have kept seeing him. Life's too short.

I know that I am a truly lucky woman. My SO adores me, I adore him, and we have chemistry galore. Life is good.

If after 2 yrs, if it doesn't feel right or enough then time to move on. There is still some personal healing to do.

I'm 57 and no way do I want to settle and certainly not because it might be my last chance.

Do you think your "hurt feelings" of your marriage are holding you back from loving someone else ?

I personally don't think I could be in a new relationship with any strong negative or positive feelings toward FT or our marriage/divorce.

I don't like what he did to me, our family, and that I'm not finacially ok because of his actions but he's part of my past and the rest of my life is mine. Maybe I will be alone or be blessed with the person that deserves to be in my life. I don't know.

Right now my plate is full and I'm struggling to make up for years I didn't work so maybe I can retire.

Just don't settle.

Fixed your typo for you .

I will never, ever, ever again settle for a relationship in which I don't feel that deep-seated chemistry.

I think chemistry can develop to a degree but if it isn't there by the two year mark, it's probably not going to show up.

Like the other posters, it's something I wont compromise on again (I'm almost 46). It's important for me to have.

I am 53 and am long distance platonic friend with a man that is a widow of 1 year and 62. He is a great person. All the character qualities one would want in a friend or lover.

But, I feel NO chemistry. N.O.N.E. Then I think of the 1800's when you partnered with someone so you would not die, and love grew over time? Was that fake back then?

Or is all this chemistry overblown?

I am ready to be a nun!!

Just rule out safety as the basis for your relationship.

First m was physically abusive. Second I always said hes a nice man, productive member of society but I had to teach him everything he knows. I went 180 in H choices, but it was just a bad.

I had this conversation with an OLD guy.

I was saying that I still believe the best is yet to come, etc.

He said "Not me....I would be happy just to be with some who I was content with, that I could co-exist with and not get on each other's nerves." He said he long ago gave up on finding soul mate sorta relationship and would he happy just to settle with someone compatible.

I thought that was very sad. He has never been married so I am not sure he ever really experienced that type of magic at all.

However - I know many people who are like this. They opted to be in a safe, stable relationship with someone they do not feel any real deep, rip-off-their-clothes type of passion, etc.

So back to your real question/vote; I am not at the point of giving up the dream of Mr Ideal for Mr Safe just yet.

I'm 60 and would rather spend the rest of my life in my own very pleasing company than be stuck with a "meh" relationship.

But I'm beginning to realize I'm an oddball that way. Most people need and want to partner up with others.

I seem to have other priorities, and I'm fine with not having to shove those aside in order to cater to someone else.

After my marriage of 25 years ... I could and wouldn't settle.

I need and what I want for myself out weighs being in a poor relationship. With that being said I would rather be alone and live life to my fullest then to settle for something that doesn't give me great pleasure.

I am 44 and after having experienced what true chemistry can do, I also would rather be alone than settle for a relationship without it.

Safety smacks of codependency to me.

I'll never settle again.

AJ's MOM

If I wanted a friend for a partner, with no sexual sparks...I would have simply stayed with my ex. That was on the table, just stay married since we were good in many ways, and have outside sexual relationship.

Nope.

I believe I can find the whole package...that is what I want. I don't want to settle for companionship, I want fireworks AND companionship.

Otherwise, I'll be fine alone. At least I don't have to worry or compromise and can pretty much lead my life they way I want to.

My heart tells me that this isn't enough to last on for the rest of my days.

Listen to your heart. It IS really nice to have someone you can trust and talk to and feel comfy with, but that is a bff's job. The ONE thing your mate can do for you that no one else is "supposed" to do is to provide the intimate connection that can only come from a physical connection.

If you don't get it from him, where will you get it from? Do you really want to go without for the next 50 years of your life?

Sex isn't everything, but it is an important part of a serious, intimate, satisfying relationship. I couldn't do without some type of physical connection.

I couldn't settle for a lukewarm love relationship with

my best (male) friend again....had that with my dear late husband for all but the first year of marriage.

Thank God I have all the fireworks I could have ever asked for with my SO now AND a best friend connection too!

But.....my SO is a rotten kisser, so if I had tried to predict our chemistry based upon his closed mouth pecks on my lips, I would have not gotten it right! And he turned out to be the best lover I ever had.

Thank you all for the responses. That's a pretty consensus view from all of you.... I think so far I have my answer. Now to pluck up the courage and pick the time.

[This message edited by hester at 6:02 PM, October 25th (Friday)]