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Fwh is training to do an ironman. He's always wanted to do triathlon and I encouraged him. Lots of triggers for me with dday and the ironman he's doing next year. Won't bore you with the details.

He's refused for years to integrate in our local community and part of the power ow had was he had few friends. And was lonely

He realises this was a contributory factor. He's joined my running club and a local triathlon club. He needs the integration and exercise is vital for his bipolar. He fits his training around me and still puts me and our M/R first and I'm very happy with this. I used to (pre dday) train a fair bit too.

There are very few women in the tri club. That shouldn't matter but it does. He wears a wedding ring and tells me he talks about me a lot so he's not giving out messages that he's single/looking.

The tri club are arranging a weekend training camp next March. Would work well as part of his ironman training. His initial response was he wants to go. They're only looking expressions of interest at this stage. I said ok in theory but I know it's crazy but I'm immediately thinking it could be a cover for a weekend fuckfest with OW (a knee jerk response, I don't believe that but I thought it so I told him). I also said I couldn't predict if at just 6 months post dday if I could handle it. And that he had said recently he never wanted to spend another night apart. (I've been to conferences etc without him over the years). But I know it's a good thing for him to integrate.

I don't want to be needy and paranoid and so so scared. But I am

He's told me he's decided that it's way too soon and he's not going

I feel rubbish about this

Don’t feel rubbish, you’re being honest which is much better than hiding your feelings and spending that weekend going out of your mind with worry. He wouldn’t enjoy it anyway knowing what will be going through your head.

You’re not saying never, you’re just saying not this time. Unfortunately it is his own fault that you don’t want him to go. But the good news is that it sounds like he is totally understanding of the fact that you don’t want him to.

I know how you feel because my husband and I have never been jealous or stopped each other from doing anything and one of the first things I said to him was that I hate that he may have made me into one of ‘those’ wives who doesn’t trust and questions who he is with and where he is going. It just isn’t me – but maybe it sometimes will be from now on and he has said he will accept that and will never go anywhere I do not want him to. It sounds like your husband feels the same.

As another idea – could you go with him? You said you used to train a lot so could you get back into it enough to be able to keep up on the training weekend? Or even just go along and stay with him and he can say to the group that you fancied some fresh air and long walks? Could be a good compromise because then you don’t have to stop him from going if you think it would be good for him but you also know where he is and who he is with.

I know a few ironmen, and my husband is a triathlete, and you don't need to be in a club to do it. Also, I think it is a bit of a large goal right now while you are working on your marriage.

(Gently). . . My H has always wanted to do an ironman, and if he brought up doing it this year, I'd think he was nuts even without the club. And we are gym rats.

What can you guys do together that will help him socially?

[This message edited by bionicgal at 6:01 AM, October 28th (Monday)]

Another thought. . . Has he done shorter distance tris? One shouldn't jump in at the ironman level. Why not have both of you do a sprint or an Olympic distance?

Or train with a third friend, and do a team relay?

[This message edited by bionicgal at 6:03 AM, October 28th (Monday)]

I don't know - I think the Ironman is good for him because at present he isn't working and it is a good focus for him when I am at work. He's starting a course soon and planning to set up a business eventually. He also hopes to get some part time work. I absolutely do not feel the IM is getting in the way or a bigger priority than R. In terms of his bipolar I think he needs the discipline.

Also we've spent a lot of money on his place and accommodation. I booked his place at lunchtime on dday. The IM will be the day after our first antiversary.

It's a good thing and a trigger

He told me this morning he isn't going away and doesn't want to. We were just discussing it but it's his decision.

He has been so passive for years even regarding decisions about what to have for dinner that I love the new decisive man he is becoming.

I guess we have negotiated our way through it ok.