SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am in shock and disbelief. How could he do this to me? How could he not show any remorse? I want to hurt him back. I want him back but I hate him. I want him to say he is sorry and beg my forgiveness. He only denies it and says whatever as I walk away and I caught him in the act. How can this be happening? I am devastated. I am crushed. I loved him. We were happy... I thought. We had amazing sex. He said the best of his life. He was talking about marriage and having a baby and he has been cheating all along? HOW can you do this to me? I just woke up from images of him with someone else... I want to drive to his house and why? It will only hurt me more if I find someone there and he isn't talking to me. He is punishing me with silence for telling him I know and he only laughs at me. He is so cruel. I loved him. He said he loved me. I am so afraid and so alone. Please god help me. If I forget this happened he will be with me again. And if I allow that to happen then my self esteem dies. I cannot turn a blind eye to his cheating but if I don't then I will never see him again. And why why why do I even want him after this? What is wrong with me? I shouldn't want him after this betrayal. I should hate him. But I feel abandoned and betrayed and so so lost.... God, I truly never thought he could do this to me..... I am debating driving there now but I know the end result won't be good. I have been drinking and I am not thinking clearly. I don't want to go to jail. I have never been arrested in my entire life but I think I don't care right now. I don't want him to be enjoying himself with another woman while I am here dying inside. It isn't fair. He will only see me again if I shut up and forget. I cannot do that. But I cannot stand the this either. What am I going to do? I will not go there and create a scene. I will regret it and it is foolish. I will try to sleep and forget. I am heartbroken.How do you let this betrayal go? Please help me if you can.....

DO not drive over there tonight or call him (especially if you have been drinking). I fight those urges still and it has been 5 mos. Your feelings are overwhelming right now and keep in my the cheaters cheat cause of something wrong with them and NOT you. In my exs case, he has admitted he has low self esteem. Try to sleep tonight if you can and regroup in the morning.

(((((Ambermoon)))))

I'm so sorry you are in so much pain. You came to the right place.

First off, breathe. Take long, slow deep breaths. You must stabilize yourself. Think of it as going to the emergency room, they stabilize the patient first. That's where you're at.

Then go to the healing library in the upper left hand corner. There are a lot of great articles to will you right now. I read them over and over after my dday when I couldn't sleep.

Shift focus from him to you. You are what matters here. Read about the 180 and no contact. It's hard at first, but I can tell you it has given me the most peace I've had in years.

There are wiser members who will be along to give you advice, but I wanted to reach out and let you know you are not alone.

Take it one day at a time. If that's too hard, then one step at a time. Sending you hugs and light.

Wow thank you for both for replying... I didn't think anyone would be up at this hour.... thank you.

I am scared. I am normally very level headed. I have a good job. I am not "crazy". But I am scared. and I am angry. I am hurt.. I am so many thing I cannot even begin to explain.... my feelings change by the minute to relief to devastation to ANGER. I have gotten in my car 3x since I last posted. And each time I come back in my house. I am afraid I will get pulled over and get a dui and lose my job. I am afraid I will do something to her car if I find one there. I am afraid I will barg in on them and create a scene. I am afraid I will find nothing and that will give me reason to forgive him if he is alone. I know I sound crazy. I am not crazy. I am devastated. hurt. But I feel a little like I am going crazy. I don't know how I can deal with this and move on.

WHY DO I STILL WANT HIM knowing what he has done?

I am reading other posts and I see repeatedly that the person that cheated shows remorse.. says they are sorry.. they want to work it out... I could live with that... I am getting nothing but too bad.... ignored. Like all of this meant nothing to him. he never aplogizes for the things he does to hurt me - EVER.... he always ignores me until I am willing to drop it... but it has never been cheating that we have fought about... just my suspicions... now I have proof and he is still acting like he could care less about how I feel. I am totally DISGUSTED with myself at this point. I hate myself for wanting him right now... for allowing myself to be so weak.

So very sorry this happened to you Ambermoon. Think about this, YOU don't deserve to be cheated on! Nobody does. But the worst is, YOU don't deserve to be treated this way after being hurt so badly.

You basically said in your post he apologizes for nothing, that you just end up dropping it for it to be "okay." It's not okay that he does this to you repeatedly.

Read and re-read about the 180. It is for unremorseful waywards. You have to implement it. After a while you will have your answer if he is worth the trouble or not.

I will be thinking of you in your situation and praying for strength and your well being!

Maybe he is a psychopath os sorts...I once looked at a website by websearching 'psychopath free'...the pain victims have endured is astounding...yet for some, they still feel a pull toward their perpetrator.

It has to do with the certain kind of emotional manipulation that they experienced.

I guess all I am saying really is that the condition where your head knows one thing rationally, yet you still want to do the opposite happens all the time...

Amber, you are not alone, we are here for you. I understand the no remorse thing - I am in the same boat but 2 months out. I cannot say much at the moment but will PM you later.

You are not alone sweetie, please remember that.

Do not get in the the car again. You are NOT crazy, you are very very hurt.

Trust us when we say you need to look after you.

Please try and breathe and I will get back to you in a couple of hours.

Oh sweet Ambermoon,

I hear your pain. I know your pain, your shock, your confusion. My husband cheated on me. I was completely blindsided and shocked. I loved him so much. I trusted him so much. He showed absolutely no remorse, was only cold and acted like he was disgusted by me. I confronted him and he told me to leave the house, so I did.

I was so devastated. I know the pain you are in. First of all, just breath. Just breath through the pain. I spent so many hours on the floor, rolled up in a ball, sobbing. The pain was overwhelming. You are not alone!!

Do whatever soothes you. I took a lot of hot baths and drank a lot of hot tea. I lost weight and sleep eluded me. I somehow managed to get through those first hours, days, weeks and now months. You are stronger than you know, trust that.

For me, I had to cut off all contact with him. But it took me several months to be able to do that. I was so in love with him, but his actions told me that he clearly chose to be with his mistress.

I read the healing library, read about narcissism. I blamed myself for the affair and now I know this was all about him. He's incapable of sustaining any sort of relationship past the infatuation part. He's broken inside, damaged. I had my part in the marriage, because no one is perfect. But the onus of the affair is on him.

Post here often. I found a therapist that has been so helpful. I also found a support group for divorce and guess what, every woman in that group had a husband that cheated on her. You are not alone.

You will get through this nightmare. Take care of yourself. When you are ready, do the 180 but do it to protect yourself from any more hurt. No contact has helped me tremendously. I changed my phone numbers and blocked his email. That gave me the space to start to heal.

I am 11 months out from my Dday. It has been rough for me lately, but I know it's two steps forward and one step back. You will find your smile again, your laughter again. One day you will wake up and this won't be the first thing you think about. The mind movies will be fewer. Your will see the sun again. The emotional roller coaster ride will start to even out.

But right now, be gentle with yourself. I don't know how you let go of the betrayal, time has lessened the sting of it. Sending you lots of hugs and compassion.

Thank you for reaching out to me. I cannot find the 180? I don't know how to take care of me or focus on me. My thoughts are obsesses with him. I don't trust myself to either cause some scene at his home or job or to beg him back. I need strength here to stay away from him and not hurt him back. I don't know who I am without him... he lived with me and I thought we were building a life together. Everything I did was for him... or for us. MK it is interesting you mention him being a pyosiopath. My counselor said the exact same thing... someone with NO CONSCIONCE or REMORSE AT ALL.... He saw me as a possession and only of value when he needed or wanted me. And he did treat me that way but I told him I could deal with his moods and him pulling away because I knew he loved me. But he knew cheating was something I would never deal with and he held no value of that. He slept with someone else and then me without even showering. I feel dirty and devastated. I am not sure how to go on? What can I do right now to take care of myself? How can I get this image out of my mind?

I feel like I am losing my mind..... I am relieved to be free of the stress of taking care of him everyday and worrying about him being happy and his moods yet then I hate him more than I have ever hated anyone and want to hurt him. Then I feel like why didn't he want me? Why isn't he sorry? He will just try to sweet talk his way back into my life with never discussing his betrayal and it will be forgotten and life blissful until I find out something new. But this time I am not sure if he will even call me and want me back... I feel if he doesn't I will be devastated. But If he does I want to be ready to be strong and hurt him back by rejecting him. I just want to feel like he loved me and the life we have lived together was not a lie. I want him to say he is sorry for rocking me to my core. I want him to want me.

But once again, he is NO PRIZE so why do I want him?

I was once a strong, independent woman and now I am this? PATHETIC. I feel foolish for giving so much to him and our relationship while he was sneaking around on me. I am devastated and scared. Please help me. I am so very very devastated. I am sorry to go on and on.... I am rambling but i cannot form a complete sentence in my head right now....

You are not pathetic my darling.

This is what you need to do now: breathe, try and drink water and eat a little. That is all for now.

You say you are in IC, which is a good thing - if you are finding things too difficult to handle please contact your doctor.

Can you tell anyone in real life? Family? A friend?

Post back here any time you get new thoughts and feel anxious. We will walk you through this but for now you are the priority.

The 180 can be found in the healing library under BS FAQ number 11.

Please take care.

I wanted to say that I am sorry to all of you who have reached out to me. I know you are all hurting too and I haven't even considered the pain you are enduring while I only talk of my own pain.

I will pray for all of us. I hope I can have the strength that I see if each and every one of you one day and realize that I do deserve better as each and every one of us does. I am so grateful I have found this site. We will get through this together one minute at a time.

We are all here for each other but today sweetie you are hurting, so embrace the love!

Will PM you later (just at work - don't tell any one! )

Thank you No Answer. I have shared this with my 2 closest friends and they both say - he has never treated you right and now you know he is a cheat so forget him. Why are you still giving him your power. They almost make me feel worse for being sad. They think I should just forget it and move on. they say that I have suspected this for the past year and now I have my answer and should be grateful.... no one understands.....my parents said I was stupid to give him so many chances and it is my own fault. this is why I reached out here..... I have no one else.

He's like an arm with gangrene. You love your arm but unless you get rid of it, it will kill you.

You will live without him. You will find a better man.

(((((Ambermoon)))))))

Sending you hugs and strength..

You have gotten wonderful advice so far :-)

I want to share a beautiful poem that I found on another fav website of mine..I just finished posting it in the "general" forum....here goes..Please make yourself a soothing cup of hot coffee or tea, take a breath and a moment to read....

Love After Love

The day will come when, with elation,

you will greet yourself arriving at your own door, in your own mirror,

and each will smile at the other’s welcome, and say,

sit here, eat.

You will love again the stranger who was yourself.

Give wine, give bread.

Give back your heart to itself,

to the stranger who has loved you all your life,

whom you ignored for another,

who knows you by heart.

Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,

peel your own image from the mirror.

Sit. Feast on your life.

~ Derek Walcott

[This message edited by doggiediva at 11:22 AM, October 31st (Thursday)]

You took me right back to where I was the night I found out, drunk, angry, lonely, miserable.

You will get through it. It may take weeks or months, but it will all get better. Stay strong.

I admire your very concise articulate post that you made early this morning, even in the midst of drinking..I especially admire your restraint in not driving away from your house...

Try to not take what your friends and family say to heart. They are worried about you, they saw the signs, and they are likely very happy that the POS has shown his true colors to you. However, unless you've been in the shoes of the betrayed, you really don't know what its like. The push and the pull. The emotions spiraling out of control, up and down and around and around. We call this the rollercoaster. You've been strapped in without your consent and will not be able to get off of it for quite some time.

And everything that you're feeling? That's normal. Absolutely normal, for a loving and faithful person. You may feel like you're going crazy, but you are acting absolutely normally for a person who has been thrust into a situation that is so crazy and unbelievable, that you really can't fathem it.

Please call your IC today and ask to see them. I'm glad that you have a counciler to talk to. You do need someone IRL that is there for you and unemotionally, who can give you straight feedback. (((hugs))) Keep coming back for support. We're all here for you and lawd knows, we understand.

Have sent you a PM