Here is another pretend letter that I wrote to the OW. I spent a LOT of time doing that in the early days, and I haven’t done it in a long time. The only fictional letters I have written lately were an imagining of what I wish my H would write to her. Now I have some more things to say to the whore. So here it is. Maybe it’s not healthy, but I fuckin’ felt like it again. Maybe I need a little anger release?
Dear prostitute,
Fuck you. God I hate you. I try so hard not to – for ME, not for YOU – but I have so much hate for you. It is deserved and warranted hate, but I work on it because I don’t deserve to feel bad about that hate. I have gone through so many emotions in the last 9 months. There were times when I felt genuinely bad for you, for real! But what I was left with after feeling bad for you, was absolute self loathing. I felt like such a doormat, such a fool, such a weak and pathetic person. From that I learned that I have to allow myself to feel what I feel and say what I need to say. I have been through the stage of feeling bad for you, and right now it’s over. Right now I want to give you a dose of reality, something you did not know with my husband, and I imagine that you still don’t know now.
We spoke once, after I learned that you broke the one promise that you put in writing to me after the discovery. There was so much said that day that I have wanted to respond to, and I think I’ve sat with it for long enough now to organize my thoughts. First, when I mentioned that you broke your promise to me in that horrible letter that you sent, you kind of smirked and rolled your eyes and made an excuse; that was right after, you hadn’t had time to get mad or let it sink in. Well too fucking bad. That does not change the fact that you broke your word again, and it is no small matter. The fact that you justified that again let me know (upon reflection), that you still believe SOME of what you did is ACTUALLY right. So, wow. You have lied so long and so hard, that you believe it yourself. That is all that means, there is absolutely no truth to any of the justifications you gave me that day.
You actually had the gall to say that my H and I had each other to support in the days after, where you had no one. Have you thought about that since? Have you realized what the fuck you actually said to me? That is my FUCKING HUSBAND you were talking about! He was not your boyfriend, your partner, or your husband. You should not have even been MENTIONING to me the fact that we had each other – because we always had each other. YOU chose your life. You chose your actions. You chose to leave your husband for a hope of mine. You chose to tell your daughter what you were doing. You chose to work really fucking hard at ignoring or justifying all the horror of the affair. I had absolutely nothing to do with it. The responsibility that I take for my relationship troubles is just that – MY RELATIONSHIP. What the fuck were you doing in my relationship? Get the fuck out of it, and stay the fuck out of other people’s relationships too you selfish whore. PLEASE just fuck up your own life and leave innocent people alone from now on. If there is an ounce of the goodness you like to tell me that is in you, then have some respect for real love and real relationships. Neither of which, by the way, did you ever, ever have with my husband. Not even for a second. You had a feeling of love, but it wasn’t real love. Real love is more than feelings and passion you stupid bitch. Real love is work and effort and unconditional and kind. My H took that away from me, but he didn’t give it to you. He let it float in space and no one, not even him, received any real love from my husband while you were engaging in your cheating and betrayal.
How could you delude yourself for over 2 years? Did you not once really believe that you were doing wrong? When you ‘tried to end it’ 4 times and said that you couldn’t stay away from each other, did you really think that meant you had real love with my husband? Do you now? Because you had extreme and intense emotions toward my husband, that does not mean that you found some kind of perfect love. There is no perfect love, there is only the love we choose to nurture and grow and live in everyday.
So, you told me that day that you thought my H ‘may’ not have loved you the first time you had sex, but that you loved him. So, how did you know that you loved him? Was it because you were willing to be a disgusting whore and sleep with a married man? Was it because you had passion? Was it because of all you learned about his relationship with me? Well, guess what – all of those reasons were NOT GOOD ENOUGH. Those ‘reasons’ were actually what make everything you are living through now, and half of what I am living through, your own fault. You laughed and interrupted me that day when I mentioned what it takes to foster a long-term relationship, as if I was being uppity by saying that. Well, I wish I had the energy and courage at the time to tell you what I thought then. You can roll your eyes or plug your ears all you want, the truth is that you have NO idea what it takes to uphold a long-term relationship, except maybe to cheat when you really want out of the relationship. If you had any notion of what it takes, you wouldn’t have lied to your ex husband. You would have told him the truth the first time your disgusting mind started planning to flirt with my H, or fuck him in your minivan. You would have at least told him the truth when you left him. Maybe your xhusband is as bad as you described to my H, but I suspect not. You said he wouldn’t give up drinking for you, but you didn’t give him the whole truth. Maybe you didn’t tell him simply because he might have told me, and your repulsive actions with my husband would have had to end. Fuck, you really are stupid, you’re just an incredibly confident kind of stupid. You certainly believe yourself, I saw that immediately. Your incorrect views on love are what I assume led you to the most hurt you tried to cause when you told me several times that you ‘love him and always will’ or that he loved you.
Guess what? Do you think he still believes he loves you? Do you think he’s just sticking around to keep our ‘stuff’ and live without love? Wrong bitch. When my H thinks of you now, he feels sick and disgusted. If he occasionally has a positive memory of you, that memory makes him ashamed and depressed. He has no positive thoughts of you without negative ones burying them now that he’s re-entering the real world. He has lost his integrity – that’s what you’ve left him with. I am rebuilding that with him, he doesn’t have you in his ear anymore to tell him how to feel or that what you were doing was ok. So he’s left to figure out who he is. The line you two loved so much during your affair; ‘we can be ourselves together’ – that’s over now. You could never be yourselves, you could be the versions of yourself that blocked the whole world out, how is that a real version? You may think that blocking out the whole world means your in love, but it is the opposite. Blocking out the world meant his wife, his children, his parents, siblings, friends. Do you think real love is separate from those parts of life? Do you think real love takes everything you’re proud of and crushes it in the name of passion? That’s why I know you’re wrong. I have struggled with ‘love’ almost exclusively for the past 6 months. I had to decide if I felt like my H loved me enough for me to go forward with this relationship. I had to decide what I believed about the ‘love’ you two shared, and I had to hear what my H said about that love over time. I feel satisfied right now that H and I are beginning to share a belief about the dynamics of love over a LIFETIME, and I’m staying to try. To try to forgive my husband for what he did with you. To try and see if he can forgive himself for what he did to me.
Everything you did, who you were, it is all in a package of the most devastating, horrific events of my marriage. That’s what you’ll go down in history as for everyone that matters in H’s life – the worst thing that ever happened. H spent quite a bit of time wondering if he was a psychopath because he was able to enter an affair with you. He can’t sort out how he was capable of it, his mind isn’t resting on the ‘love’ you shared, it’s on who he is, who he wants to be, and how he can become the man he once was – that is, the man he was before he met you and lost his way. That’s the legacy you’ll leave in my part of the world, and there’s nothing you can do about it. We will not accept any contact from you, we will not read any mail or e-mail or text you send, and we will walk away when we see you hand in hand. That is how your affair worked out. Is it all the love and passion that you hoped for, that you believed were more important than my life, my children’s lives, and morality? I heard that you got a tattoo for/of my H with a crown for our surname, a clover for his Irish heritage, and a heart for the ‘love’ you felt. Well, I hope you enjoy having a tattoo that represents MY family for the rest of your life. I hope you look down at your tattoo-covered body and see the crown for what it is – my surname, my children’s surname. The clover for what it is; my heritage, my children’s heritage. Let it forever be a reminder to you of the damage you created and the lives you hurt so deeply. Perhaps the heart can remind you to seek out REAL love in future relationships, and stay the fuck away from married men – they have a real family behind them that hurt even if you don’t look them in the face every day. Fuck you.
