SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Folks, just been in NB for a short time (since Aug). Went on a just a few dates. One, actually went on the 3rd date. And yes, I know what the "3rd date" means. Whatever. We did have sex. It really wasn't all that for me. I'm told that 1st time isn't always good and sometimes it takes some learning. ugh. I've been with the same person for the last 15 years or so ...

1. Is this true for you all??? ok, not that it would matter because shortly after the 3rd date and a few fading texts, came the famous *poof*. When I texted and received a response that didn't give a probe or question about me but said, "I had a great time (business trip ) and still recovering :). It was then I knew...it was done. So, I send a text. Good luck in your recovery (life). I let it go but of course part of me wishes to know what was it...but I let it go. Retreat a little inward and decide this OLD requires some thicker skin. Weeks later (3-4), I receive this text: Hey ___, Sorry I haven't been in touch. It's weird to say but after our last date it occured to me that I'm not as ready as I guess I thought I was for this whole dating thing. Would definitely like to keep in touch and MAYBE get together again soon. Wondering where you're at in your post D evolution. Hope ur well and sorry to say that by text. Whatta wuss".

Ok, folks, is it me or is this shit completely insulting or what? 4 weeks later to get this shit?? WhY? It almost makes it worse for me? I mean, does he think I'm been sulking away in a corner waiting for a breath or text from him? Additionally, it smells like bullshit to me ..the part about "after our last date it occurred to me..." bullshit. Is that why he lurks or checks in ON LINE every day? Or could he have moment lapse of consciousness because someone dumped his dumb ass and feels like the Karma bus just showed up??? I know! Way too much thought into this douche! Way too much!

So, my pickle. Dignity preservation is priority. Do I dare to share a few nuggets of wisdom regarding communication with this douchebag to help the next poor soul he dates?? Or do I just ignore? *sigh*

Really, this won't keep me up at night but these new dating issues are perplexing. Thanks SI friends.

-FLY

Ignore. That was a text version of a booty call. FLUSH!

I mean, does he think I'm been sulking away in a corner waiting for a breath or text from him? Additionally, it smells like bullshit to me ..the part about "after our last date it occurred to me..." bullshit. Is that why he lurks or checks in ON LINE every day? Or could he have moment lapse of consciousness because someone dumped his dumb ass and feels like the Karma bus just showed up???

Would you treat someone like this??

Trust your gut on this. You have a smart gut!! And you deserve better than this.

yes, leaning towards crickets. But, Why send this now? Seriously, guys? What is up with that? Why bother at all. I "got it" weeks ago. No follow up needed on the poof now. *shakes head* I don't get men man. Also, getting reacquainted with my gut right now. It lead me astray a few times over the course of the last few years. I know you know how that is.

So he "is not ready to date" but wants to come over and see you?

Hell No!!!! He is looking for no strings attached sex!!!!

You know you are way to good to fall that shit?

Ignore, crickets. Delete.

And onwards and upwards you go

He is looking for quick, easy sex. He most probably has a few hanging on the line at all time and he is getting back with you now because it is "your" turn or because he can't find anyone else available right now

.I mean, does he think I'm been sulking away in a corner waiting for a breath or text from him?

No, and he doesn't really care. He isn't too concerned about your feelings. He figures he might be able to say the right thing to get what he wants and if not, he isn't going to worry about it because he will move on to the next. (Sorry )

It's okay, there is a learning curve with newly dating again! Lots of people use OLD for sex, men and women. That is why OLD is a bit difficult to navigate...it isn't like old-fashioned dating. OLD is different. So, first you have to know what you want.

It can be great to help get your feet wet again and start dating around (casually) and helping you to figure out what you want and what you don't want. It can be great for sexual release and exploration also if that is what you want (and be very careful and use protection!)

You do need a thick skin though, because the problem with OLD is that in order to have a deep and lasting relationship, you have to really get to know your partner. Most people on OLD don't hang around that long. If the chemistry doesn't click on the 1st or 2nd date, they are gone. And sometimes real chemistry can take a while to build.

If you want to make sure the guy is into you for you and not just looking to hook up, then you need to wait a while and get to know each other before sex. Make sure he develops an emotional attachment, because sex is pretty easy to get, but a relationship with caring feelings takes a bit longer.

As far as sex not being that great the first time, that is normal. That is another reason it helps to really like and care about your partner. No one is going to know how to please you the first time, because we are all different, and the first few times the people are usually a bit nervous about performance. It takes a while to build trust and get to know the other person, and if the other person cares and really wants to learn to please you, then most people can be "trained" to hit the right spot and do the right things....

While what he did isn't great, unfortunately I think it is very…normal.

OLD makes getting a date pretty easy. People go on OLD for many, many reasons and most are on OLD for external validation. They (or "we) are on OLD because we are lonely and think this will "fix" the loneliness. Or, we are out of bad marriages and our former partners have moved onto greener fields and we think we should too.

I believe men are much more guilty of trying to date before emotionally ready. This is what happened to the last several guys I've dated. They have been poofing at the second date kiss. They WANT to be ready, but their emotions haven't caught up. Then they think that dating will MAKE the emotions catch up. Then they want "friends" while they figure this shit out. We all like the company of the opposite sex, so it becomes confusing easily.

So, I see the situation a little bit differently. IF you liked him, I don't see anything wrong with keeping him as a friend. I wouldn't sleep with him again (unless you want a FWB…). He MIGHT be someone for your future if he figures his crap out, BUT, I'd keep in contact because he just might INTRODUCE you to a single friend of his. I would not pursue the friendship, just tell him you are open to "friends ONLY" then back off and see what he does.

Some men are truly slow, and I have hit this over and over in post-divorce dating. They want sex, but then the emotions get confusing and they back off. For women, we sometimes see sex as external validation that we are attractive, then our emotions start us bonding OR we feel like we are "supposed" to have sex because it is XXX number of dates. Plus add in the "first time" post D. It is a confusing mess.

After a year of off/on OLD dating, I look at it much more critically. I try very hard to stay away from anyone that is still separated…even if they are damn cute with all the bells and whistles I like. I tend to find a way to ask a few questions to gauge their emotional…stability if they are D'd.

"So, how long have you been dating on OLD? How has it been for you??"

I wait to see if they discuss their ex. That is a dead ringer for a problem if they bring up the ex really early on.

Here is an example, (I've been chatting with about 4 guys right now). This guys wasn't my physical type, but listed himself as D'd, had some good photos up, graduate degree, Dad, athletic. All things I like. So, although not that cute, I decided to respond.

( I do tend to hold them off until I get some basic information, most will ask for a date in the first or second email. I tell them I like to chat just a little before agreeing to a date. I am very selective. Which…I am.)

*He was asking good questions, "How long have you lived in City?", etc. I generally mimic their questions. He answered the first few emails really well.

*BUT, I noticed on his profile that he is 47 and said he would date a 30 year old. Yellow flag for ME, so I asked, "Have you dated a lot of 30 year olds from OLD? How do find younger people view OLD?" I don't want to judge him, I just want to see how he answers. I don't attack his choice, I want to explore the choice. Asking leading questions will give you a peek into their emotional place.

He replied, "Well, I dated a 33 year old for 1.5 years. We just broke up so I feel like I should put myself back out there." *Ding, *ding, *ding. Houston we have a problem!!!!

Then I asked, "So how long have you been D'd?" (Honestly, I assumed he had cheated on his wife…) and he replied, "Oh, I'm not divorced yet. My friends all told me to put D'd so I wouldn't scare off women. My ex and I have been S'd for 2 years, and I guess one day one of us will 'pull the trigger'". I tell women on the first date I don't know when I will D. None of them have cared."

NEXT. NEXT. NEXT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I politely told him that I don't date S men. He replied back, that he hoped I would change my mind. I didn't respond.

Clearly this man is just trying to fix the loneliness.

Now, I went back and thought about the last guy that wanted "friends" after the kiss. I saw almost no yellow flags with him, he IS further out, but the truth is he is still healing. I remember asking to meet him at a SBux close to us and he replied, "Oh, I avoid that place. My ex goes there sometimes." So what?? If he isn't ready to show up on a date somewhere that his ex MIGHT show up to? NOT ready. I get triggering, and working through the trigger, but it is just a small glimpse that he is probably not ready. I probably ignored that yellow flag because I HOPED this guy was healed…he had everything I look for. But, he freaked out when the kissing started.

At this point, I would only end dating someone after the first date if I have NO physical attraction or I hit a red flag. It does take time to learn about a person. The last guy couldn't give me a reason WHY he didn't want to see me again. He admitted that he found me attractive and smart. We talked for hours, but he is looking for "something that might not exist". Which, lets face it, if you are going to knock someone out for no real reason…he isn't really ready to date. I did exactly what I told you to do. I told him I was interested in a friendship, and now I have backed off. Let him pursue the friendship if that is what he really wants. He might introduce me to a cute single friend of his. :)

I am just more careful now. I stay away from separated men. I ask a few questions to gauge emotional health. I do not have sex with guys, or even kiss them before the second date. I kiss them and see what happens next. A lot of time, just kissing will trigger them to back off. I tell them upfront I am selective in whom I meet, but I will meet them EARLY if I have an interest. I don't want to wait to meet them because there may be no physical attraction. So, I don't make them jump through a bunch of hoops, I just want to see if I can weed out the ones that are clearly not ready, meet to see if there is physical attraction, then see what happens.

I pretty much know to not get too interested in someone until we have made it past date 3 or 4. Those seem to be critical dates for all involved.

I've been emailing with a man for about a week now that I initially had very little interest in, he only had one photo up that wasn't good. BUT, he had some great emails. I asked for additional photos and he said, "Why don't you just meet me, I'm told I'm cuter in person. I hate how I photograph." Yellow flag.. I replied, "I don't think you would have contacted me if I only had one kinda blurry photo up and I asked to meet you. I'm sorry, I'm not interested. "

So, you know what he did? He had someone take some photos of him, updated his profile and sent me an email to check out his photos and updated profile. Guess what??? THAT got my attention. He listened to me and "fixed" the problem without calling me names or walking away. I'm going out with him next weekend now.

[This message edited by cmego at 7:53 AM, November 10th (Sunday)]

Ignore. That was a text version of a booty call. FLUSH!

This is it.

Would definitely like to keep in touch and MAYBE get together again soon.

Of course he would like to get together - maybe, total NSA/FWB/Booty Call guy.

BTW the 3rd date rule was made up by idiots like this guy.

I try very hard to stay away from anyone that is still separated…even if they are damn cute with all the bells and whistles I like

Is this always black and white? I'm still "separated" 2 1/2 years later because of legal/tax advisement. LLC is being dissolved, houses being sold, legal matters coming to an end-but it may be another year before I can push the paperwork through

There's no emotional attachments, etc. After 5 years of this crap should I have to live like a nun or be viewed as risky because of HIS actions?

No, of course not. I'm just now finalizing my D and I've been S for almost 3 years.

That is why I ask the right questions. It isn't black and white, it never is.

But, OVERALL, most people do not stay S for a length of time. What triggered me on the last guy is that he had no PLAN for WHEN he was going to D. It was, "When one of us feels like pulling the trigger." NOPE.

I know cmego-that would be a concern

I fantasize about pulling the trigger daily

As others have said he sounds like he is looking for someone that isn't you.

I had a go at OLD early in the year. Anyone who seemed to be aiming for the 3rd date rule seemed to vanish when I said I wanted to get to know someone. Those "rules" are a lot of nonsense, made up by idiots who want what they want...

SIers, thank you sooooo much for all the clarity. You know what I ended up doing? I just ASKED Him if he was feeling me out for a booty call! ...and he was surprisingly horrified and apologetic that I thought that. Turns out, he like many of us are in the similar place, as Cmego mentioned, looking for external validation that we are indeed attractive, interesting, and desirable. He jumped the gun as well. Anyway, I was shocked too but I soooo appreciate everyones thoughtful feedback. It gave me plenty of moments of pause and reflection. Really. And a better look at where I am and internal evaluation of what I want and need at this point in my life...which has nothing to do with OLD right now. Seriously, thank you.

--Fly

Ignore. That was a text version of a booty call. FLUSH!

Yup! He wants a FWB.....not a girlfriend! IGNORE!