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Tripletrouble (original poster member #39169) posted at 12:23 AM on Monday, November 11th, 2013
So many bites of the elephant. Tonight I am fixated on the fact that at some point I stopped being beloved wife and best friend and became someone that was an obstacle to him getting what he wanted. First I was the one he had to fool to cheat, then the one he had to deceive to keep me in the marriage he didn't want to lose, then I became a money grabber he had to fight in the divorce. This is mind boggling to me. I loved him, I'm the mother of his children, I supported his very successful career - all to be reduced to being the enemy. I don't get it. And logically I know this speaks volumes about him, and nothing about me, but it's still something I need to process to heal. It's such a staggering betrayal.
40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013
Happily remarried 2018
Time is a great healer but a terrible beautician.
sullymeishadomi ( member #16305) posted at 12:36 AM on Monday, November 11th, 2013
It's not personal. The accusations, the monster he makes you out to be has nothing to do with you personally. These are justifications he is using so he can runoff to schtup someone else. Its so he doesnt have to face the reality of what he did. He may even hope someone believes him so he wont come off the jerk he truly Is.
Healing will come with time. I know that is so cliche, but it is true.
[This message edited by sullymeishadomi at 6:37 PM, November 10th (Sunday)]
inconnu ( member #24518) posted at 12:38 AM on Monday, November 11th, 2013
It's actually pretty common. I think it's just easier for the wayward to demonize the betrayed and make them the enemy, rather than facing the cold, hard truth about themselves. For my ex, he'd rather blame me for well, everything instead of face the truth. He still wants to see himself as a good person, and good people don't walk out on their families. Therefore, it must have been someone else who drove him to it. 
My ex was so delusional he actually told me my sister would see things his way and take his side, because after all, she knows what I'm like. Yes, as it turns out, I used to be married to an idiot. 
There is no joy without gratitude. - Brené Brown
ontheslope ( member #40574) posted at 12:43 AM on Monday, November 11th, 2013
Trippletrouble - I know how you feel. I'm sure we all do - but please look at this from another point of view: You have never been his enemy, he has been yours. An enemy to your future, to your happiness, an enemy to your family. You are the one holding the high ground here.
I don't really have any advice for you. Just - living through this is hard enough without being hard on yourself.
Stay strong.
Me: BH, 40, separated
Her: STBXWW, 41
Two girls 12 & 14
Married 12 years
Dday: July, 2009
She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.
Chrysalis123 ( member #27148) posted at 12:47 AM on Monday, November 11th, 2013
You have never been his enemy, he has been yours. An enemy to your future, to your happiness, an enemy to your family
Isn't this the truth!
It blows my mind too. I wonder if they go to the grave believing we are the enemy?
Someone I once loved gave me/ a box full of darkness/ It took me years to understand/ That this, too, was a gift. - Mary Oliver
Just for the record darling, not all positive changes feel positive in the beginning -S C Lourie
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