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[This message edited by littlelacrimosa at 9:09 PM, November 18th (Tuesday)]

Holy buckets.

Getting married at 16-17 was not uncommon in my family or their religion.

Same here.

Shortly after my 18th birthday I started really actively participating in our church. I was devoting 70hr a month to volunteer work.

Are you still within this church/religion or have you since left?

A lot of people think I did it because I was itching to get out of the house, but I can honestly say I loved and do love my DH.

This statement gets me. Because I remember saying the same thing. However, it wasn't completely true. I was emotionally abused. At home and by an ex-boyfriend. All I wanted was for someone to love me. All of me. Just the way I was. That man became my husband. I adored him. Worshiped the ground he walked on. But! The love I had was not healthy. I was an abused child, entering a very adult world. Shoot yes I wanted out of my home! And I was lucky enough that my husband asked me to marry him and give me not only an escape, but adoration. It's so sad to look back at the old me. She was so lost and broken.

Look, I'm going to cut straight to the chase. Why do you hate yourself so much? Why do you allow other people to abuse you? Beating you to a pulp? Putting yourself in highly dangerous situations? Really? Don't get me wrong, I understand the fascination with the BDSM thing, but your actions were very reckless.

How was your relationship with your father?

A lot of people have said that we are young and could manage to get divorced and it wouldn't matter.

Here's the issue with that. Even if you did get divorced, you'd still have these issues. The issues aren't within your husband. They're in you. So even if you divorce, you are going to still be you. Littlelacrimosa, you have a whole lot going on. Do you have a counselor you could talk to?

[This message edited by littlelacrimosa at 9:10 PM, November 18th (Tuesday)]

I didn't know that sexual addiction was hereditary...if I'm reading what you wrote correctly?

How do you plan on telling your H about all your other affairs?

It's good to have you with us

Honestly, I don't feel like I have any problems though. Maybe I'm in denial about the whole thing and I'm secretly angry.

You'r bright and high-functioning, considering the shit you've been through. My sense is that you're saying you don't feel like you have any problems because you get through everyday life just fine. But you're not fine. You need to kick your addiction to dangerous sex, before it destroys your young family.

There's a book you need to read,

The Sexual Healing Journey

by Wendy Maltz. You will see yourself in its pages.

When I cheated, I felt like I was on drugs.

You were on drugs. Literally. People Iike us who are damaged get a rush of brain chemicals from illicit sex. It's just as if someone stuck a hypodermic needle into your vein. When was your last hit? How often do you think about it? Do you notice when you're feeling sad or low, that your craving for the drug is almost overwhelming?

[This message edited by littlelacrimosa at 9:11 PM, November 18th (Tuesday)]

I'll bite my tongue on trashing religion, but I will mention that perhaps your origins has something to do with what sex you're interested in. Given that JW and most religions aren't sex-positive, it could have very well had a hand in forming your view on sex. Sex is dirty. It's sinful to have desires..

So I guess it's the classic example of making something so taboo makes you desire it more. The BDSM is probably an extent of it.

It's a good thing that you told your H about everything. Are you doing everything to make amends? Are you deleting all your profiles on those sites?

Another thing I want to mention: don't be afraid of your sexual desires. If BDSM is something you want, then it should be known. It sounds like your H didn't know about it, so he probably feels he can't please you so you go to these websites. Once/if he's comfortable with sex with you again, I'd bring it up.

Something alarming to think of though....are you 100% sure that's his baby? A DNA test might be in order.

T/J commencing...

perhaps your origins has something to do with what sex you're interested in. Given that JW and most religions aren't sex-positive, it could have very well had a hand in forming your view on sex. Sex is dirty. It's sinful to have desires..

Oh my gosh, yes! Don't touch yourself, don't let others touch you, be a virgin and marry a virgin, and if your parent or guardian talks to you about sex, you're lucky. I learned from buying my own book, reading on the internet, and erotica. Sad really.

I'll never forget. About a month before my wedding, (I'm 18 at this point) Mother was like, "I want to get you a book that answers all your questions and gives you ideas and such." Too late, I already got one. Her reaction was Then she asked to see it to make sure there wasn't anything "bad" in it.

Sex is a big no-no but then when the "I do" is said, suddenly it's ok to have sex, within reason of course. You talk about fear. Uncertainty. And a warped sense of intimacy. Are we really supposed to have sex with our spouse and enjoy it? Is it a sin to enjoy it? What actions are "off limits"? What if we have questions? You don't talk about "those things" so aside from a doctor, who do you speak to? And heaven forbid you have to talk to your spouse about it. We never talked about sex. We were winging it and muddled thru. And honestly, it's still hard for me to open up sometimes. I hate that. I hate feeling guilty for communicating about such a special, intimate act with my husband.

Hysterical Bonding was the best thing that ever happened in our lives. We were both in a state of desperation and we laid it all out on the table.

T/J over.

I probably should have mentioned this in the first posts.

I told my husband the very first time that I slept with someone else and after that he was aware that I was having affairs, he just didn't know the extent or how many. I haven't had an A since March. I'm only 3 months pregnant so the baby is definitely his.

As soon as I ended the last affair I deleted all profiles and our relationship has been very transparent. We use each others' facebooks, emails, phones. He never checks my things, we're just open with each other.

Aubrie, it's soooo funny that you say that because just the other day I was wondering why I am the one that doesn't want to have sex. It has nothing to do with holding back. I'm not irritated with him. And in a perfect world I would LIKE to have sex with him. I just find it to be so totally awkward. And then it's awkward after we're finished.

I know he doesn't feel that way and it's totally just my perception of things. I've always been like that with him. We're sexually compatible. I guess it's just because of the religion, I worry that I'll be judged if I say that I do or don't like something. If that makes any sense. And then I'm always afraid that I'll enjoy it too much, and that will make things even worse.

In my head, anyway.

At this point, you have to think a bit logically. Sex with your H isn't bad. Does it hurt anyone? No. However, having As do. He is hurt. If some higher power was to judge you, I think that would be the part you'd be judged on.

For the longest time, I was really awkward with my boyfriend. But then after confessing everything, sex is enjoyable again. I still have guilt and shame over it, but it's getting better.

You have desires, just like everyone else. And it's okay to have those desires. How you go about to obtain it though is what you should be judged on.

Have you wrote a timeline of every single A? This can help avoid trickle truthing later for his sake.

[This message edited by littlelacrimosa at 9:11 PM, November 18th (Tuesday)]

Again I just have to bite my tongue when it comes to religion. Im pretty sure if i let loose, I'd upset a few folks. Are you still religious now? Or in limbo? You've been disfellowshipped, so it just speaks words to how your religion treats you.

.

[This message edited by littlelacrimosa at 9:10 PM, November 18th (Tuesday)]