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Ranting/looking for advice from those who've been there done this...

I'm sitting here wondering if he thinks I'm stupid. After all these years, so very many OWs, false Rs, lies, lies, lies, does he really believe I don't know? I stopped snooping/digging years ago because it really was just exhausting and felt degrading to me and I already knew enough anyway plus my discoveries were always met w/gaslighting, blaming, etc. so I decided it was futile. But I always knew he never stopped cheating. His behavior is so obvious and I occasionally expressed I knew he never stopped just got better at hiding it. Guess I also got to be a pretty good "rug sweeper" too over the years. So now here we are and it is so very obvious to me that after this latest Dday he is still so thick into the OW(s) that its truly pathetic. Yet another reason for me to maintain NC. But I wonder does he really believe I don't know???

Next issue - finances - He has been getting money from his boss "under the table" for many years. Also gets cash from doing side jobs for others. He used to tell me about this money as he would put some in my checking account as I paid all the bills, etc. Last couple/few years nada He is always extremely cashy and has spent god knows how much money out in the bars the last year. I guess I never said anything because he was always giving the kids money for things (activities, gas $, etc.). Never mind it got to the point I couldn't pay bills and told him/showed him this repeatedly - literally showed him checkbook, statements, etc. - even made nice neat little lists of monthly bills, monthly expenses... Now I'm seeing just how much he controlled/manipulated me w/ money too. Once again here - does he think I don't know about this money??? Does he think I'm stupid???

Friday was his payday and he did not put one red cent in my checking account. I'm living in the house w/our 4 kids, paying all bills, all expenses, etc. Does he think he's going to get away w/this?? Is he expecting me to come begging for $?? BTW, he has never done this before - we have been separated 2x in the past and he has always put money in my account for me to pay bills and take care of kids.

I should also add he is angry w/me right now. I think he's starting to feel some of the consequences of his choices and is, of course, blaming me. I'm also realizing just how much I've catered to this man for the last 18 years. My god, he's truly never had to suffer much of any consequences because of my behavior! Wow - I'm pretty proud of myself for not being angry/self-loathing, etc. - NC has really helped me to separate my shit from his!!

I doubt he thinks you're stupid. However, he probably thinks you don't care/will continue to turn a blind eye. If he knows you know, yet you've done nothing about it, why would he think you care? Why would he think this time is different? My X didn't think I cared.

You need to protect yourself financially right now. If you don't have a written, legal document mandating him to support you financially, I speak from personal experience assuring you that you are well & truly screwed. Make that your first priority tomorrow morning.

Finding a lawyer is top of my list for tomorrow. I have also gathered bank statements, other financial documents (papertrail) and removed them from my home. I realize to a certain degree, I am screwed but I really only want my kids taken care of. I'm so very tired of this asshats mind games, manipulation, and all the pain he has caused me. I want my kids taken care of and I want OUT.

My guess is that he probably maintains the self-delusion that he is sooooo much smarter than you and everyone else.

He probably thinks you''re stupid. Or at least stupider than him. My STBX has had many As and they were so easy to detect you would think he thought I was stupid even though I have an MD and a PhD. But you know they are such brilliant gaslighters that none of that matters

Oh ETA get out of your vortex and start taking action? What are you doing letting him cheat and take no responsibility for his household? Kick him out and make him pay child support!

[This message edited by careerlady at 12:41 PM, November 17th, 2013 (Sunday)]

I kicked him out back in August on Dday # ??? But he has spent a lot of time "hanging" out at the house w/kids while I was at work in the evenings. He was attempting yet another falseR that I nearly fell for. That is over and so is his hanging out here. I have been trying really hard to maintain NC.

That being said ... he has been trying all morning to contact me and kids. Started w/a text to me this morning "what r u up to today?" I did not respond cause I'm like WTF??? Then he was texting/calling the kids to see if they wanted to do anything w/him today... they have been ignoring him and avoiding him because: a. the 3 teenage sons mostly can't stand him because he's a screaming verbally abusive fuckface to them quite often and always has and b. tween daughter is now very angry and hurt and just really doesn't want to see him. So when he can't get anywhere w/kids he texted to ask if he could come get some of his things from house - I said fine. He gets out here and immediately starts fucking w/me. Walks in and helps himself to the leftover pancakes that I'd made the kids for breakfast. Walks in my room (where I was) and all cool-like is "hey what's up, whatcha doing" I just looked at him and said what are you doing? "whatta ya mean?" I said please don't help yourself to things here. He says "oh, ok" then just stood there. I said well please get what you came for and go. This pissed him off. Then he makes a comment about how I'm "telling our daughter things" and walks out. I asked him to come back in my room, shut the door, and very calmly told him to not ever ever ever accuse me of using our children as pawns in this sick game. I said your daughter is upset w/u because she's hurt and angry over what you've done to this family. You ripped her world apart. Own it. You did this. You made choices and unfortunately those choices affect more than just you and I. I have not and I will not try to turn my children against their own father. I won't add to their pain. You wanna be mad at someone, look in the mirror. He says "ok, you're right". Then he says he has some totes in his pickup but he really didn't want to do this w/daughter home to which I replied well she lives here and is here most of the time and this is her reality now so go get your totes and get your shit.

So he packed a couple of totes (still left lots of clothes here) then as he's leaving he walks by me and apparently I looked at him wrong because then he's all "what's your problem? what's the death look for? I don't look at you like that" and I (foolishly) responded why would you, I didn't do anything to you. BIG MISTAKE. Then he snickers and starts in w/berating me and blaming me - "you haven't changed anything about yourself, blah blah blah" Ridiculous things that are not true. I argued back briefly but then just quit because I know it is futile. Then I asked him if he intended to pay me any CS. He said of course and what did I want, blah blah blah. He asked if I'd gotten all the bills/monthly expenses figured out yet (I will have it all nice and neat this week) and wondered if we should just make a verbal agreement about CS. I said no that it needs to be on paper. He then suggested we get a mediator or share a lawyer. I had to bite my tongue to not laugh in his face. He must really think I do not know about all the money he has hidden from me. Says let's just be civil cause there really isn't anything to fight over, right? I simply responded, yup, and said I will check into the lawyer thing tomorrow.

He left and I was shaking and crying and upset and furious and why why why do I let him do this to me???????? why do I engage at all and let him see my pain?????????? How do I stop reacting to him and letting him dictate my emotions????? He will NEVER get it so why do I take those stupid backward steps and even attempt and put myself in a position to let him spew his garbage at me??? Why???? How do I stop?????

Sorry more vent/rant. Now I'm just so mad at myself. Again. I was having such a good day. Hanging out w/kids. Getting stuff done. Now I'm back to sad, angry, defensive. I feel so out of control again. Wondering who he's talking to? Who's validating his behavior? Why does he keep blaming me? I know none of this matters any more yet here I am. Why why why. Why can I not stop analyzing his fucking behavior. Why is this all about him again. I feel like I'm back to square 1 emotionally.

Here's how you stop.

You stop.

Stop letting him come over. If he needs his shit, pack it up in hefty bags & leave it out front.

Stop talking to him. If he needs to say something, have his lawyer get a hold of your lawyer.

Stop taking his phone calls.

Change the locks.