SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My Dday was 11/09 and he has since come clean that there were two, not one, thanks to that damned A-M site. Marriage has been bad for several years, but seemed to be getting better...obviously not for him. We've agreed to explore saving our marriage and not make any decisions till after the holidays (we have 10 and 7 yo children who are our world).

This is just all so raw right now. I've read some of the emails to/from the one he got involved with. The other was a one nighter. From what he tells me, the men pay for everything on that site - membership, hotels obviously, and such. Doesn't that qualify these "women" as prostitutes? And what they write is ridiculous, like they are writing a 50 shades novel.

Anyway, he says he has cut off ties, especially after she looked him up on FB and tried to follow ME on twitter and that he always felt guilty. We are talking about it, but sometimes he'll say we have to stop and I told him that's insensitive. We agreed to set certain times to delve in. I'm okay with that because otherwise, it would be all consuming and I would lose focus on my girls.

I just wanted to say that I'm grateful for this site because it's kept me afloat since I found it last week. And I'm grateful to have a place to come vent and get advice. I'm giving thought to the 180, but I'm having trouble applying it be used we are trying and also because my complete independence is what started our path or unhappiness. I used to refer to him as my third child rather than my partner. One of the few people who know said I practically drew him a map to the A. That kills me because I have to admit its true.

Thank you to all of you. I'm sorry you're here, I'm sad I'm here and I cannot fathom that this is my new reality. I'm trying to remember though that I'm blessed because so many people have been through worse. Praying and sending positive thoughts to everyone here.

I'm thankful for it too. I don't think I'd mentally be doing as well as I am without it. Obviously, I'm still destroyed, but I'm not alone.

Welcome. I'm glad that you found us for support and to talk to.

Listen. You may have been a total crank. You may have taken your WH for granted, you may have not shown him the respect due to your spouse, you may have left the kids with him every night while you went out with your girlfriends and danced until dawn. You may have been a bad wife, a negligent partner, and an indifferent spouse.

But your WHs affair was a decision that he made. His totally f'ed up choice.

He had choices. He could have confronted you. He could have talked to you. He could have laid down the law and said that things needed to change or he was walking. He had all kinds of choices as to what he could have done to convey the fact that he wasn't happy with his marriage. All of these choices are akin to calling out the termite service when he found that the front porch was rotten.

What he chose to do was to call in a nuclear strike on the house of your marriage, and blow it up into nuclear waste. Now both of you are left standing in radioactive hell, trying to survive long enough to be able to consider if you can decontaminate the land.

It's fine to own your part in the problems in the marriage. But the adultery is all on him. His choice, his decision.

I agree 100%. SI has been an amazing place and I am glad you found it! My heart aches for you. I also have a 10 yr old as well as a 7yr old AND a 5 yr old. Finding out something as devastating as an affair of any kind can be absolutely heartbreaking. All I can add is that over time and time alone your heart may mend. I have had the same conversation with my dumb-ass husband 4 times in our marriage and this last time I actually had the nerve to stand up to him and gain the control back. I am sad to say we will soon be in the divorce process and it's killing me. The hurt it has caused my 10 yr old is indescribable. However my 7 and 5 yr olds are still too young to understand the true implications of what divorce means. IF you find yourself in my shoes and want ANY advice PLEASE don't hesitate to ask. Welcome to SI and you are in GREAT hand here. ((HUGS))

Thank you for the encouragement and the reality checks. I'm trying use at least a couple of the 180s so that it remains clear he is not getting away with this.

We talked a bit the other night and he told me HE is in shock - that I am being so calm and that I'm even willing to consider giving him another chance. He fully expected me to kick him to the curb. I asked him if that's what he was hoping for and he said, at first, yes but then grateful that I didn't. Says this all seems surreal. Ya think?

I know how you feel..I honestly don't think I would be holding it together right now if I hadn't found this site.

I'll be forever thankful for every single word of support I've received on here.

Try to remember..you don't have to decide everything right now, when you're still absorbing what has happened to your life. It's not a race, and even though it's terrifying..you don't need to add pressure to yourself to decide ANYTHING right now.

BS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 12:49 PM, January 20th (Monday)]

I am also glad you are here. Take note of the advice, and stay with the site. Do not rug sweep.

i havent posted in a few days. im still trying to assimilate all of the awful knowledge. however, this site has helped me more than anything else - bar none. im lost, hurting, and confused but without this site .... not to be melodramatic, but ... i doubt i would still be alive.

Glad that you are alive, william. You will get through this and find healing.