SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So let me start out by telling a little about my story...I cheated on my husband with an ex boyfriend (who is the father of my first child). This started after I had only been married for a year or so, and continued off and on until last June. So around four years. I hate to even admit that...much longer than most affairs. I don't even now know all the reasons for the affair. My marriage was not horrible, but we did have some problems early on. I need had appropriate closure with my ex, and of course, we were still in each other's lives due to our son. My ex started contacting me, an little by little, worked his way back in. It seemed like any time my marriage hit a rough patch, my ex was always there waiting. He was also married by the way. I take full responsibility for the affair, and I know there is no excuse. There are so many other options I could have taken. It was a huge mistake, and hurt a lot of people. Well, I decided to tell my husband after my ex'a wife found out. He decided to try to forgive me and attempt to stay together. It has been a year and five months since D day, and it has been a rough road. I immediately started going to counseling, and I tried to get my husband to go for a long time. After a mild physical abuse situation, he finally agreed to go with me. I felt like it was going great, but he went to a few sessions, then quit. I didn't force him to go. Well fast forward a few moths, and we are pregnant with our third.

Things have been very t

Sorry...it posted too soon. Anyway, things have been really tough lately. I just started a new job, and I am working full time, while pregnant, and attempting to take care of two other kids. My husband has not been helping out with anything. He is constantly gone hunting, and when he is home, he is sitting on the couch watching TV. He is rarely involved with our kids, and doesn't seem to pay much attention to them anymore. He says he used to do those things, and help me around the house, but it didn't get him anywhere (except for me cheating on him) so he doesn't care to do them anymore. To me, this is not ok. If he chose to stay with me, I feel like we both need to be putting in effort. He thinks I need to prove myself to him and "kiss his ass" for a long time before he will start to put in effort. He will not come with me to my family functions anymore, so I always feel like a single mom. Our sex life isn't great, which he blames on the affair. I totally get that, but at what point do you start trying to make it better? Overall, he is just meaner to me...calls me names, yells at me, etc. I have been seriously considering divorce, but I am scared because of the hours I work at my new job and am terrified of being a single mom to 3, especially a baby. I am just lost. Any advice would be greatly appreciative. Thanks!

Ttw3,

I know that this is hard and it must be that much harder being pregnant and working. I am not saying that your husband not helping you out with family, kids and the house is right but it's normal and gently...what do you expect? I have actually heard the same thing said to me by my BS. She use to read books and actually try to be a better wife and what did it get her. Yes we have five wonderful kids but honestly how could we not expect us having an affair would make them feel any different? He is hurt and he wants to work on making your marriage work and if that's what you want also that's wonderful news. But if you decide you are in this is going to be done on his terms it has too. Try to remember that him saying he's in doesn't mean he knows how to do it either and he is trying to deal with so much pain and betrayal....being distant at times is pretty understandable right? And your AP is the father of one of your kids and your AP is always going to be around he doesn't even get the comfort of NC... That has to be horrible for him right now. I'm not trying to beat you up please don't take this that way. Maybe ask a friend or family member if you can lean on them for some extra help for a little while.

[This message edited by harrypotter at 5:01 AM, November 29th (Friday)]

Hi Ttw3, welcome. I have some questions. You don't have to answer to me, of course .

I immediately started going to counseling,

How did/does this help you? How did/does this help your husband? Your marriage? Have you talked about this, together?

He decided to try to forgive me and attempt to stay together.

Forgiving is one thing, staying together is another thing. Do you have an idea how these thing might look for your husband? How he sees these things?

After a mild physical abuse situation

Hm. Abuse never goes away on its own. Glad he's agreed to counselling - how is it going now? Yelling and name calling on a regular basis do not sound healthy to me. Is it the hurt coming out? If so, what does he need in order to heal the hurt? Are you able and willing to provide what he needs?

To me, this is not ok.

Again, have you two spoken about this? I agree with harrypotter that in general the wayward spouse has to take up a lot of the slack from the betrayed spouse as they (the BS) needs to focus on their own healing - and may need to see the wayward go an extra few miles. A relationship where one partner is either in retreat or on the attack? That doesn't sound as if he's healing. If he isn't, and can't help you help him help himself, that's a problem. It's not a marriage that I would want to be in, even though I was the one who hurt my husband that bad and destroyed the better marriage.

I have been seriously considering divorce

Why? Seriously, what would divorce accomplish - and what other ways and means can you think of that would accomplish the same or similar? And please, think outside your comfort zone on this.

I know I'm making a lot of assumptions here. You are in a complicated situation, and your family deserves the best you. So, look at yourself, and work on being the best you. And go from there.

Good luck.

~L.

Harrypotter...thank you for your response. It was good for me to hear from another WS to see if my thinking was shared by others, or if I am being hormonal and pregnant and only thinking of myself. It is so refreshing to get other opinions. I know that him not helping with things is normal, but at what point does it become a problem? I'm not saying that after a year and a half, he should just be over everything...not at all. But I do feel as though we are moving backwards instead of forward. Maybe a lot of that is due to how I am treating the situation...I don't know. I also understand him being distant at times. I guess it is just hard to not feel bad when this happens. I guess I am most worried that we are not doing this the right way...I really wish he would continue going to counseling with me because I felt like it was really helping. I'm scared that without it, we are going down the wrong path, and we will not heal properly, especially him. I know that having the AP in the picture still is horrible for him. I try to make it as good as possible, but it will always be hard on him. I didn't take your post the wrong way, and I really do appreciate your response. I guess I need to hear if I am being stupid, and that's why I came here.

Leftoolate...Thank you for your response. In response to your questions...

Counseling helped me try to figure out why I had the affair. I wouldn't say I am completely clear on that subject, but I did learn a lot about myself. I honestly don't know that it really helped mybhusband. He doesn't believe in counseling and absolutely refuses to go. He doesn't care if I go, but he will never go himself. We have talked about this subject until we are blue in the face. I stopped going after I completed my individu

al counseling and he wouldn't complete the couples counseling. I am going to go back though.

When I say he decided to forgive me, I guess I meant he decided to TRY to forgive me. We are still a long ways away from this. To him, I honestly think he sees staying as me having to work my butt off to prove myself to him, and he being able to pretty much do what he wants.

The abuse thing happened once. I had turned off his xbox because he was yelling and being belligerent around my kids. I asked him to stop, but he didn't. So I turned it off. I then picked up my two year old to walk out of the house. He kicked me in the butt/back and pushed me. I fell into the wall, and accidentally dropped my daughter on the way. I received a decent bruise to my knee. I was honestly scared of him for the first time. I took my kids and left. He ended up leaving for a few days, and came back with flowers, an apology letter for me, and a letter for my son.I know he truely felt horrible for what he had done. Afterna couple more situations of him breaking things around the house because of that xbox game, we got rid of the game. He is better, but does have some anger management issues still. He hasn't touched me since that day, and he knows I will leave if he does. He wont admit he has a problem...thinks it is normal. So he wont do anything about it. He did go to a few counseling sessions with me afterward because he knew he had to if he wanted to come home. But then he quit going, saying it wasn't helping. The yelling and name calling is not healthy. I am sure it is his hurt coming out. I don't know what he needs. He says I haven't done anything to make things better, but I honestly feel like I have. Important things to him are doing his laundry, cleaning the house, making dinners, and doing domestic things. I am also the breadwinner of the family and work full time. I do the best I can, but it is never good enough for him. He also works, but makes less money, and doesn't have a steady job.

We have talked about this a lot. I feel like I am doing what I can, and he feels like it is not enough. I feel like no matter what I do, it will never be enough. I know he is not healing, but he will not help me help him, and it is a problem.

I am considering divorce because of the above statement. I feel like we will never see eye to eye, and I do not see hope in our future. I am willing to try to work on things and put in the effort but I really don't know how. And I feel like what I do is never good enough. His only suggestions are to do more domestic things, but how? There is only so much time in one day, I am pregnant, and I have two other kids to take care of. I honestly feel like he was babied as a child/teenager, and he has unrealistic expectations. I constantlyn try to do my best, but he is always putting me down as a wife and mother. I guess I am just at my breaking point, and wonder if we would both be happier apart. I also wonder if our kids would be better off.

Ttw3,

Welcome to SI.

Abuse is never OK. You are 1.5 years from d-day and he is calling you names and yelling at you? This isn't R. And you are allowed to have conditions for R too. It sounds like his conditions for R are for you to wait on him, take whatever nasty treatment he feels like dishing out and take care of of all household and kid responsibilities.

I know he is not healing, but he will not help me help him, and it is a problem.

You can't heal him. He has to do this work for himself. You have to work on healing you. He heals himself. You both heal the M. Healing takes work. If he's not doing the work he won't heal. Also, he has work he needs to do on himself for his anger and abuse issues.

IMO as waywards we should understand that our BS will be angry, upset, and triggered. If we want to R we should recognize this and find ways to help and support our BS. We may also recognize that extreme pain can bring out some inappropriate behaviors in our BS (name calling, yelling). My BH did some yelling and name calling in the first weeks after d-day. I know that nothing but unimaginable pain could cause him to behave like that and I chose to accept it as such (pain). We are a year and 3 months out. He still is frequently very angry. I appreciate when he chooses to share his anger with me or his sadness. He does it respectfully. No name calling or yelling. Those behaviors at this point would be harmful to the M and if I chose to accept the behaviors it would harm my healing and my children. I am learning and working on appropriate boundaries and that type of behavior would definitely cross them.

You deserve to be happy. If he refuses to work on making a home a M that is safe for you and your children to be happy in you should consider detaching and getting yourself prepared to move on without him.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

Knightsbff...Thank you for your response. This is exactly how I have felt. I know I have to be the one yo initiate things and put forth more effort to prove my loyalty to him. Buy at what point does his hurt/reactions cross a line? I feel like that line has already been crossed. Those types of things make it very difficult for me to try and work on things. In the beginning, I focused on working on myself. I am still doing that, but maybe need to put more effort into it. I just feel stuck. I know I dint want to continue down this path in this unhealthy relationship. But on the other hand, I am scared to be alone, in a bee job with difficult hours and with a soon to be newborn baby. I just do not know how I let my life get to this point. I know those are not reasons to stay in a marriage. On the other hand, I think about the good times we have had and the good qualities he possesses and I am scared I will regret my decision. I do still love him...just don't feel pike j can be the only one fighting for this marriage. I literally feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Ttw3,

Welcome to SI. I am so sorry to hear of what you are going through.

I don't think you are just being hormonal and pregnant. I agree with a lot of what knight says...your husband does have a right to be angry and hurt.....but doesn't have a right to be abusive towards you.

One thing that stuck out to me is that you said he no longer pays attention to your children.....I don't think they should have to suffer because of a poor choice you made....his anger is with you....it shouldn't affect how he treats them. After dday my BH was very angry and hurt and kicked me out.....but it didn't change how he treated our DD....no matter how angry he was with me.

It sounds like you have realized your mistakes and are truly trying to fix things and make them better....but it takes two people to make a M work....like knight said, you can't heal him or do the work for him.

It must be very scary to be pregnant on top of everything you are already going through. Please take care of yourself and your children...feel free to send me a pm at any time. You don't have to do this alone!