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Alyssamd24 (original poster member #39005) posted at 6:52 PM on Saturday, November 30th, 2013
It's no secret that one of the things I have been struggling with is getting to the point of indifference with my XAP....to let go of my anger towards him and the lies he had told about me and our A.
I am now trying to examine this more and think that part of my anger towards him is really just a projection of the anger towards myself onto him.
Because this is my A season, I have been thinking lately of my behavior during the A and how the things that I did/said were not things I would normally do.
The first and most obvious is the lying to and being so disrespectful to my poor BH....this is a man who has always loved me and worked hard to support us and our family....a man who is not perfect but tries so hard to make me happy....the amount of lies I told him and the things I did to him haunt me daily, and make me ashamed to realize I did those things.
I also think of my behaviors with the AP and am ashamed of how I acted. I was calculating and manipulative and said and did things just to get my way...with both my BH and my AP I was selfish and only concerned about myself.
This is why I think I am displacing my anger....by focusing on him and how angry I am blah blah blah I don't have to think about the real issue and realize how totally fucked up I was. Maybe I am trying to play the victim....
Sometimes the worst thing that happens to you.....the thing you think you can't survive....its the thing that makes you better than you used to be.
authenticnow ( member #16024) posted at 7:03 PM on Saturday, November 30th, 2013
That makes a lot of sense, Alyssa. I did the same thing but I focused my anger on my BH, not so much the APs. I was angry. Angry because I thought our pre-A issues got me to where I cheated. When I realized I was only angry at myself because of the way I handled things, things started changing for the better!
Good insight 
.
ETA Sometimes it's easier to focus outward, because looking inward can be very scary.
[This message edited by SI Staff at 1:04 PM, November 30th (Saturday)]
DS, you are forever in my heart. Thank you for sharing your beautiful spirit with me. I will always try to live by the example you have set. I love you and miss you every day and am sorry you had to go so soon, it just doesn't seem fair.
GotMyLifeBck2013 ( member #40531) posted at 12:18 AM on Sunday, December 1st, 2013
Has it crossed your mind yet that your ap is a homewrecking pig? Or do you still think of him in somewhat human terms? Im convinced no wayward ever truly understands the hurt of the betrayed until they stop the sick fantasy of the romantic paramour. You had love. So maybe your anger is the realization that you ruined what you truly wanted all along and actually had.
That, my friend is textbook self destruction.
I define me! I don't just survive, I thrive!!
Me: fBH 46
Her: exWW 42
DDay: Nov 1, 2012
Divorced: September 17, 2013
Deeply Scared ( Administrator #2) posted at 12:25 AM on Sunday, December 1st, 2013
GotMyLifeBck2013...
You have a PM.
"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)
My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.
20WrongsVs1 ( member #39000) posted at 2:11 AM on Sunday, December 1st, 2013
Projection of anger is what got a lot of us into trouble, IMO. I've been walking around with suppressed rage my entire life. Projecting it onto damn near everyone.
Keep peeling back the onion, Alyssa!
fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
Former motto: "Fake it till ya make it." Now: "You can't win if you don't play."
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