SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Curious, what are your feelings about your SO and their past relationships? Are you cool with them still in contact with them via FB, or other forms of communication? How about mementos, love letters, etc that they may keep?...

For me, I get rid of that stuff, and I NEVER communicate again. To me it feels like emotional dilution for the person you are with, not fair to them, and leaves them feeling unsafe. I have read on an OLD dating site questionnaire that many folks are cool with a potential SO even going on a "date" with an old flame should they be visiting outa town . That would never work for me, and curious what the folks of SI have to say about my questions. I'm of the belief that if you expect 100% of me and my heart, I expect 100% from you... Thanks!

My EX never got over his former loves. In fact, one of the OW was a former love. I used to be a very "cool" person who was "cool" with people staying in touch with former loves.

I am not cool anymore. With any of it.

It’s a bit tricky because there are degrees of involvement. I don’t expect my SO to block anyone he ever had any flirtation with, or burn all of his old prom pics. He has a stack of letters from his service in Iraq, I’d certainly never ask him to toss those. You can be sentimental about a time, not the person, or maybe dating was a mistake but knowing someone isn’t. There is also the laziness of purging old mementos, it would take considerable work for me to erase all traces of my wxh, I don't care that much. If my SO had a serious former flame that he talked to every month or carried a picture around in his wallet it would be a different story, but he is pretty respectful about it, so for now, it doesn’t bother me, and as far as I know my actions don't bother him.

Going on a date with an ex visiting from out of town might bother me, we would have to talk about it. It makes a difference whether its engaging a relationship or settling the past and letting go. I might be OK with the latter. Not regular contact.

As far as burning old EX pictures and letters. I've kept all mine in a box and I won't be burning it. I want to be able to review it in 20-30 years when my perspective will be different. I regret throwing out old journals from my childhood out of a desire to 'let go of the past'. Now I wish I had them to have more concrete evidence of my thinking way back then. I don't remember so well. By the same token I will keep a box of Ex for distant future ruminations.

I am a very black and white person, when I am done with a relationship I am done which includes any contact and momentos.

My current husband was married twice before meeting me and he has no pics of any of his ex wives. He does however have an album from his teen/military days which includes pictures of his high school girlfriend. I dont mind that he has this but if he looked at it on a weekly basis I would be bothered. This same high school girlfriend he is in still contact with because he does side work for her father who owns and rents many homes and she is the financial coordinator. So he speaks to her on a weekly basis which does rub me the wrong way but I try to keep in perspective. I have met her and she is extremely overweight and unattractive so logically it shouldnt bother me, but it does and he knows it. I guess that comes with being a BS, you are always on guard.

I think if he had an ex and she was single then that would be different. I still don't know if I would say anything- I tend to not worry about those things which leads me to my second point.

I think it depends on personal experience. I have very close male friends 20+ years married now and the person I am dating I hope would be ok if I went to dinner with just them. Their wives are ok with it- I have been around a long time- married but still no issue. Honestly I would pick my friends they have been there a long time and I would like to think he would understand and be ok. If not there is no way I am giving them up.

I think it really depends on the nature of a relationship. For me if I have to worry then something else is going on.

I have actively encouraged my SO to stay friendly with his ex wife (whenever she's not crazy - a term her own mother has used to describe her). They have two daughters and possibly will someday have grandchildren in common. I feel that he owes her a certain amount of respect and concern, as she is the mother of his children.

I'm learning to accept that SO's ex-gf will always be around in one way or another. Her sister is in a long term relationship with SO's best friend who is also my best friend's husband's brother. Luckily, we all get along.

I wouldn't be okay with SO going out to lunch with an old gf. There's no reason for that to happen. We can all go together.

Nope…I think unless it is work/child related…there is no reason to stay in contact with a significant ex. I can see staying in touch with someone you may have gone on a date or two with, but decided you were better friends, and THEN developed a friendship. To me ^^^ is not a "significant ex".

I'm more of a "cut all ties" person too. I think it is "too dangerous" to stay in touch with people you used to have feelings for. I think it shows weak boundaries. Plus, I wouldn't want to upset my current partner, or give them something to worry about.

I have made a point of eventually becoming friends with all exes (including the serial philanderer) and no, I do not harbour any thoughts of a re-do. I just figure life is too short to hold grudges and it just hurts me more anyway. My S/O is also friends with a bunch of his exes. We always attend one ex's Hallowe'en parties. I think it depends largely on the people involved. If you, S/O and the exes are people who have your boundaries firmly in place, I don't see any reason why people cannot be friends. Just not THAT kind of friends. I am having dinner tonight with the XSO. My current guy knows and has no problem with it because he knows my feelings about this particular man as a significant other!

[This message edited by lynnm1947 at 11:11 AM, December 4th (Wednesday)]