I can’t jump in with both feet. I just can’t. I don’t feel he has my best interests at heart. He has his own and what he thinks is best for our family. It’s like these decisions are made for me. It’s all about remaining status quo. Like if I can just “gut this out” he can keep his job, we can retire well, our friends and kids are here, etc. The only way I can remain here is to be detached. IC said I don't feel safe enough yet.
Today in IC I had to imagine a marriage where two people are happy but not enmeshed with each other. I imagined my sister and her husband. It’s like they are together but side by side, not face to face, if that makes any sense. It’s hard to explain, my sister seems gloriously happy, but not deliriously in love. Her husband once told me that once he saw her he never needed to look at another woman. When I said that aloud in IC I burst into tears.
Last night we were watching House Hunters – all the happy people looking for houses together. Something struck me about the wife and I remembered the month right after the 2nd dday when the kids asked hubby what he was getting me for Mother’s Day. He said, nothing, she’s not my mother. How very fucking cruel, I thought, but I wasn’t strong enough to do anything. He asked me what I was thinking about – and I said something not pleasant and he pushed for me so I told him. He couldn’t believe he was that cruel to me and apologized for doing it. That was good to hear. And I was certainly treated differently the next Mother’s Day. And I told him I’d kick him out if he treated me that way again. He suggested that I try to stay in the moment and try to look forward to Christmas. I can do that, I said, but these things crop up from time to time.
It’s the layer upon layer of crap that I must figure out how to get through. That’s why our anniversary fiasco hit me so hard – just another hurt for the pile that seems to be built on quicksand. I am jealous of those of you who can jumble everything into one gigantic mess you forgive. However, I’m not going to pressure myself to do anything but heal from this, including my selfish actions. I understand that people create their own happiness. But if one is in an unhappy relationship that happiness becomes a higher mountain to climb, IMO.
[This message edited by rachelc at 3:24 PM, December 12th (Thursday)]
