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NoGoodUsername (original poster member #40181) posted at 2:39 AM on Saturday, December 14th, 2013
The knight in shining armor thing is a big piece of my identity that needs the old heave-ho.
I read way too much fantasy in my life and used the whole idea of that as a fake bulwark against low self esteem. Helping people, 'saving them'. Gorging on ego kibble at the trough of their pain or misfortune, all the while thinking that I was a good person.
My betrayed wife played a pretty classic song for me tonight. Ani Difranco Not a Pretty Girl Both my wife and Ms. Difranco hit it dead on. Here's a passage:
what if there are no damsels in distress
what if I knew that and I called your bluff?
don't you think every kitten figures out how to get down
whether or not you ever show up
The person that I need to save is myself. The cats and the girls can figure it out themselves. The only person that I have the right to save is myself.
Bullshit self-aggrandizement wrapped up in shiny armor. Bullshit self-aggrandizement in velveteen and a pretty sword. Trying to fix other people's problems with ne'er a thought to my own.
Peeling back these layers of protective delusion hurts. I'm so sorry, so sorrowful.
Me: WH
Her: BW
Dday 7/11/13
"May you be protected from hearts that are not humble, tongues that are not wise and eyes that have forgotten how to cry."
authenticnow ( member #16024) posted at 2:41 AM on Saturday, December 14th, 2013
Peeling back these layers of protective delusion hurts. I'm so sorry, so sorrowful.
It's okay, you have to feel these feelings to grow, as painful as they are.
Keep being brave. You can do this.
DS, you are forever in my heart. Thank you for sharing your beautiful spirit with me. I will always try to live by the example you have set. I love you and miss you every day and am sorry you had to go so soon, it just doesn't seem fair.
nealos ( member #35284) posted at 4:22 AM on Saturday, December 14th, 2013
nice work!.. with breakthroughs like this, you'll be that authentic self. I'm sure of it.
33yo WS-SA
“When we disclose the thought and intents of our hearts in surrender, we identify with one another at depth.”
Scorpio2310 ( member #41561) posted at 6:26 AM on Saturday, December 14th, 2013
I'm going through the same thing right now. I'm having to give all my pretty and shiny armor the ole heave ho! It sucks but every time I do it I feel a little better. Just keep telling yourself that you are not every Harry Hardluck and Sally Sapstory's hero. Remember that you are only your BS's hero, be her knight in shining armor.
NoGoodUsername (original poster member #40181) posted at 12:01 PM on Saturday, December 14th, 2013
Scorpio,
that is just it. She doesn't need to be rescued either. The only person that I have the right to rescue is me.
My job is to heal and grow without illusions. She doesn't need a knight but she might accept an honest, healthy partner.
Me: WH
Her: BW
Dday 7/11/13
"May you be protected from hearts that are not humble, tongues that are not wise and eyes that have forgotten how to cry."
JustDesserts ( member #39665) posted at 8:39 PM on Saturday, December 14th, 2013
Good, ballsy post! Relate and like it.
JD
2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 51. Her: BW, 50. Married 20 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.
plainpain ( member #40139) posted at 8:53 PM on Saturday, December 14th, 2013
This was SO encouraging to read!
Me: Believer, 40s
Him: Liar, 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R. It only hurts now when it rains.
Scorpio2310 ( member #41561) posted at 10:22 PM on Saturday, December 14th, 2013
NoGood,
The are many ways to be a hero without saving someone. I'm a hero to my BSO anytime I help her with household chores, or I help her with the bills. Its not that I'm saving her from anything or fixing major issues that make me her hero, its the constant little things that help her out that does it.
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