SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

BW and I have been together for 10 years and married for 8.5 years. I have cheated on her twice, with the last A being over 8 years ago. I am really struggling with whether I should tell her after all this time.

*This has now come up because I recently referred a family member here, started reading, and everything has come flooding back to me.*

BW is the best person I have ever met. She is loyal, steadfast, patient, kind, hard-working, and extremely honest. Her grace is something that is rarely seen today.

A #1 was over 10 years ago. BW and I were not married and had only been dating for a few months and we were not living together. I went out with a woman who was my best friend, although I have to acknowledge that I had a huge crush on her for years, wanted to be with her, but she had a husband. We got really drunk at a bar and made out in the parking lot of my apartment complex. That night was the last night I ever spent at the apartment alone. I went to her place the next day and we have literally been under the same roof since then. Nothing ever happened again and we are 100% NC and have been for 9.5 years.

A #2 happened within a couple months of BW and I getting married. I met AP at work and felt really drawn to her. What started as an EA turned into a PA. While it never progressed to the point of orgasm, it was certainly a PA. It lasted for about two months. BW confronted me and I adamantly denied it. Her confronting me was a turning point and total wake up call. I quickly came out of the fog and realized that I had some serious changes to make within myself. I did some really shitty things during this time and my actions were horrible. I lied to my wife and lied to AP, telling her that I was going to leave and actually went as far as to tell her I was looking for apartments. It was not true. I am also 100% NC with this woman and have been for 8 years.

About a year after ending #2, I was ready to tell my wife the truth. We were getting to the point of having kids and I really needed to be honest with her. However, it never happened because she was diagnosed with cancer right before I planned to tell her. It was over a year of two surgeries, chemotherapy, radiation, and everything else. By the time the health crisis ended, it had been 2.5 post-A and we were in a much different place together. There was a deeper commitment to each other and level of oneness that the cancer instilled in me. The thought of losing her to cancer was so eye-opening and the real threat of losing her scared the shit out of me.

Fast track to today. Life is so different. We have bought a house together, have two children (ages 2 and 5), and I am pregnant again. BW has often stated that if I ever cheat, she better never find out because she would not be able to forgive. She has clearly stated she does not want to know. In her heart, I really believe she knows. She's the smartest person I know and I honestly, genuinely think she knows about #2.

We have complete transparency in our marriage. She has every password, access to my phone, and everything. I do not hide anything from her (other than the 2 As) because there is nothing to hide.

Anyway, all of this is coming up because I suggested a family member come here. I started reading and it seems that everything says disclosure is paramount.

Are there times that disclosure is not for the best? I am absolutely committed to our M and we have kids now. it's a totally different game.

[This message edited by yearsago at 4:12 PM, January 1st (Wednesday)]

Hi there, and welcome.

First let me say that I've never read a compelling case for dishonesty. I can completely understand why you didn't tell your wife when she'd been diagnosed with cancer. I know I would have made exactly the same choice with my husband. We can only handle so much emotionally at once. However...

BW has often stated that if I ever cheat, she better never find out because she would not be able to forgive. She has clearly stated she does not want to know. In her heart, I really believe she knows. She's the smartest person I know and I honestly, genuinely think she knows about #2.

We have complete transparency in our marriage. She has every password, access to my phone, and everything. I do not hide anything from her (other than the 2 As) because there is nothing to hide.

I bet you were relieved when you heard her say that! It gives you a good reason to keep the secret from her, while feeling like you're doing a kind and altruistic act for her at the same time.

What brought up the conversations about infidelity, by the way, when she told you that she wouldn't be able to forgive you? Were you guys talking about like Tiger Woods, or friends who were struggling with infidelity, or did she just bring it up out of the blue?

I ask because of course you're right - she knows. She knows about #2, but of course on some level she doesn't want to hear the truth of it stated outright though she confronted you about it and had to live through the lies and find a way to deal with that time in your marriage without your help. To do that, she must have had to do a lot of emotional compromising. And that usually comes out down the line in other ways.

I did some really shitty things during this time and my actions were horrible. I lied to my wife and lied to AP, telling her that I was going to leave and actually went as far as to tell her I was looking for apartments. It was not true.

So have you come to understand why you did this? You were recently married to what sounds like an absolutely wonderful woman. Do you know why you cheated on her and lied to both your wife and the AP?

(By the way I'm assuming you know if you've read here that folks are pretty much against marital dishonesty in all its forms, and advocate for honesty for all parties, so I hope my answer is implied - yes, you should always tell...)

Hi yearsago welcome.

Circe has given you really good advice.

I will just add.

BW has often stated that if I ever cheat, she better never find out because she would not be able to forgive. She has clearly stated she does not want to know.

I don't think this is the real reason you are reluctant to tell.

Most BS's make this same or similar declaration before they find out.

Strangely enough despite the awful pain we inflict, an awful lot of them want to reconcile. Go figure.

the real threat of losing her scared the shit out of me

The reason is more this.^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

For the record you should tell, so she can make a decision based on truth not suspicion.

I wish you luck.

[This message edited by SlowUptake at 6:19 PM, January 1st (Wednesday)]

Circe - thank you for responding. I am unsure how to quote your text and wanted to answer some of your questions.

The question of infidelity was brought up in light of an extended family member's affair. She mentioned that she would not want to know and I directly asked her, "You wouldn't want to know if I cheated?" She stated that she would not want to know, as she would not be able to forgive. She said that if that happened, I had better get myself together and make sure she does not find out.

To your second question, yes, I do know why I allowed the cheating to occur. I have made significant strides as a person in the past 8 years and have insight into the hows and whys of my transgressions. I can truly, confidently say that I am not the same person. Our family is the most important thing in my life and I strive every day to make decisions that only strengthen our family. We have a marriage that most people truly envy - strong, loving, and compassionate. We respect each other and really go out of our way to maintain a loving relationship. I completely get that respect was lacking 8-10 years ago because the As would not have occurred otherwise.

It's so hard to think about telling her now because of her clear instructions regarding wanting to know. Plus, we have kids now and I am expecting #3.

Slow - you are correct in that a huge fear of telling her now is the absolute fear of losing her. My wife is a pretty straight shooter and I can honestly predict she would be livid if I told her the truth, not only due to the anger over the A, but also due to anger that I told her when she made it clear she does not want to know. I believe she would be pissed that I did not listen to her wishes. I really believe that she knows, in her heart, about #2. I 100% believe that.

If she came to me today and asked if I ever cheated, I would shake like a leaf, want to vomit, and tell her the truth.

[This message edited by yearsago at 6:30 PM, January 1st (Wednesday)]

but also due to anger that I told her when she made it clear she does not want to know. I believe she would be pissed that I did not listen to her wishes.

You keep coming back to the 'get out of jail free card'.

I really believe that she knows, in her heart, about #2. I 100% believe that.

Belief is not fact.

Setting that aside, if she already knows in her heart, than where's the harm in confirmation?

Here's the thing, circe & I have given you solid, logical reasons to tell.

You keep countering with justifications of why you shouldn't tell. Because you have already made up your mind, your just searching for validation.

I get it. The guilt has been gnawing away at you for 8 long years.

Your recent brush with infidelity referring your family member to SI by your own admission has brought it to the surface.

Setting aside what's best for your BS, at the end of the day, do you want to free yourself from the guilt?

Best of luck to you.

ETA: What's best for your BS is telling. Just wanted to make that clear.

[This message edited by SlowUptake at 6:57 PM, January 1st (Wednesday)]

No disrespect intended but it seems you want someone to talk you out of doing what your conscious is telling you is right. I won't lie, I feel as if it is only about you but I am a BS who was lied to for years. When I did find out it tainted the way I viewed my own life, decisions I made because I thought I was married to an honest person, and the way I viewed him.

Just out of curiosity, your wife had not trouble with fertility after chemo? I have a friend who is going through it now.

Here's the thing, circe & I have given you solid, logical reasons to tell.

You keep countering with justifications of why you shouldn't tell. Because you have already made up your mind, your just searching for validation.

I get it. The guilt has been gnawing away at you for 8 long years.

Your recent brush with infidelity referring your family member to SI by your own admission has brought it to the surface.

Setting aside what's best for your BS, at the end of the day, do you want to free yourself from the guilt?

Thank you for this, even though it is hard to read. But that's okay. You are partly correct and partly wrong. I did come here hoping for someone to tell me to keep my mouth shut and not tell. You are wrong in that my mind has been made up already. While I lean towards keeping quiet, I am not firm in that decision. The more I read, the more I lean towards telling her. I am just terrified.

You know what kills me and stops me the most? Our kids. They are 2, 5, and we have another on the way. The thought of my wife leaving is terrifying, but the thought of not having my kids here every night is heart-stopping. Truly induces a lump in my throat and immediate tears. I can not bear the thought of having only shared custody and not being with them 7 days per week, especially as a consequence for a choice I made years prior to their conception (the initial choice to cheat, not the subsequent choices to not tell).

[This message edited by yearsago at 7:31 PM, January 1st (Wednesday)]

Just out of curiosity, your wife had not trouble with fertility after chemo? I have a friend who is going through it now.

Yes, the chemo put her into menopause. We tried a round of IVF to harvest eggs prior to the start of chemo, but it did not work. We are a same-sex couple and so I carried the kids after her diagnosis.

Thank you for the information.

Yearsago there are many BS who said they'd leave and not want to know. My xSO is one of them, don't let the x scare you we broke up due to a combination of his and my infidelities and actions. Now how is it fair to her to not be able to make an informed decision about her life and who she is spending it with? Seriously its easy to say I don't want to know, I would definitely leave if you've never been in the situation.

You are wrong in that my mind has been made up already. While I lean towards keeping quiet, I am not firm in that decision.

Fair enough.

Good luck.

We have complete transparency in our marriage. She has every password, access to my phone, and everything. I do not hide anything from her (other than the 2 As) because there is nothing to hide.

It is up to you whether to confess or not. But you cant say that you have complete transparency and then have exceptions.

I was afraid and did not tell. My husband was a afraid and did not confront even though he knew. Neither one of us wanted to blow up the fragile marriage we had. This allowed us to co-exist for many years and eventually we created a comfortable life together. Because of the "secrets" we never had true authenticity in our 27 year marriage. On his death bed, when he realized he was dying and I asked him if he wanted me to hold him, he said NO. I will never, ever, forget that moment. If you want an authentic relationship, be honest. That is all I can say.

wanttounderstand,

I've read your profile and your recent posts. I'm sorry for your loss and things you have had to endure growing up.

yearsago,

Yes, you can continue to stay married and just maintain things as they are. But, you stated, "BW is the best person I have ever met. She is loyal, steadfast, patient, kind, hard-working, and extremely honest." If she was keeping secrets would you want to know? You also mentioned, "Her grace is something that is rarely seen today." The only way to really prove that is when it is tested. She can only give grace to what she knows about.

Hi yearsago

I am going to be the one you've been waiting for. And I'm saying this because one of my dearest friends has told me that she categorically would Not want to know.

I believe her. I know her extremely well and I believe her.

I've struggled with this issue in a different context so I'm intimately familiar with all rationales....and I know someone very closely and since childhood who would not want to know. There are exceptions .

To qualify, probably if her H was in a current LTA and he was displaying the typical jerkowitz behaviors of most WSs during affAirs, then that would likely be different. But for her to know about something so far back in the past, long gone and over. there is NO WAY IN HELL I would recommend that she be told. It would destroy her.

Can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you what happened to me.

9 years in marriage, my wife had the affair, short, was able to cover it up when I got suspicious, we had 4 kids, I bought the cover up. Lies followed more lies, years passed, people we knew got divorced, other people had affairs, 9 years of guilt, 9 years of knowing she was living a lie, our sex life was poor, she would withdraw at times, I'm always thinking it is "me".

I'm nearly to the point of leaving, clearly not wanted like I want her...so I think.

She confesses, on our 18th anniversary. The most horrible feelings I can imagine follow. It was Hell on Earth, compounded by the lies that followed and the trickle truth. She didn't understand herself and why she had cheated.

Suppose you want to tell this...what do you do?

You first go to IC. Understand yourself thoroughly, hold nothing back in that discovery. Take months of painstaking work, if the first counselor is not working then get another. Work here as well, again, hold nothing back.

Get yourself mentally healthy enough to do this the right way.

Then, if you tell, do not hold back anything that is requested, do not excuse, explain, answer, do not blame shift, accept responsibility, do not lie, be honest and open when asked, do not run, be there for them. Have a timeline.

Do not do this with kids around. I was unable to sleep for nearly three days after I was told. We were in a hotel and two children were in the room asleep when my wife confessed.

Do not do this on a special day.

Do not do it on the spur of the moment.

I think too often on this forum, advice is "one size fits all."

I don't have advice for you. I don't advocate dishonesty but it sounds like your wife is, in fact very "in tune" with you. I have read plenty (though perhaps in the minority overall) of opinions of BS who said they would rather have never found out, in cases where the A had ended if the WS had not confessed, they most likely would never would have known.

I, personally, believe I would rather know in such a case, but I think you should continue to take the cue from your wife. If she is sending you clues she does not want to know (or be forced to discuss, acknowledge, etc.) then you should probably go with that, and continue the same loving devotion of the past 8 (faithful) years without bringing it up. But of course if she brings it up, and asks the past, don't lie.

I am ging to have to disagree with the others on here and im sorry if this causes offence to those others who have by no means given you their honest opinion and good advice.

but for me ...

I wouldn't tell!

This happened over 8 years ago! You have since had 2 children, and are pregnant yourself. You have proved you have changed, what would be the point in raking all this up and having your wife hurt to the point where she will never look at you in the same light again.

I can honestly put my hand on my heart and say ...

I wish I didn't know that my husband had an EA!

I got some truth Nov 2012 but the devastating news came 11 mths later in Oct and I truly wish I hadn't known. I wish he hadn't told me, or that if he had told me in the beginning.

Nearly a year later was too much for me and every day I hurt.

Please don't hurt your wife anymore. Live with the guilt for the rest of your life - its only fair that you do. But don't hurt your wife any further, she doesn't need to know ... its passed, its finished, don't rake it up!

No stop sign here, so I will put in my two cents.

First, a question. Do you love your BS? If so, you have to confess. Your BS has a right to know the truth about the marriage. Your BS also has the right to decide if your two affairs are deal breakers.

Until you confess, you are keeping secrets from your BS. Is this a good basis for a relationship, or is this living a lie? What happens if your BS finds out about your affairs another way?

You are not saving anyone any pain by not confessing. Do the right thing for your BS and confess. If there are questions, answer them truthfully. Trickle truth is almost as bad as not confessing.

in addition to what everyone else has said, do you really want to have to "trick" someone into staying married to you?