SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi everyone. First, let me say our R is going very well. We are quite happy together.

WH recently got a new phone. I have the password, of course, and am free to look at it whenever I want.

The problem is his taste in music. He spent a good part of Saturday night downloading a bunch of songs onto his phone, so he has something to listen to while he is at work. Last night I looked through the songs he had downloaded..and felt..uneasy.

Out of about 100 songs, there are about a dozen that bother me. He likes all kinds of music, but favors country, classic country, and some rock.

The songs that bother me are all by Kid Rock..and a few by Eminem. If any of you are familiar with these artists, you know their lyrics are about sex..fucking "hoes"..lots of them..very sexual..and the way they talk about women is..well..disrespectful.

The fact that he likes Kid Rock is no surprise. Both of us listened to his music before dday. However, after dday, like many BS's, I started to see everything differently. I no longer listen to music that talks about women like that..or about fucking around,cheating,etc. It's not that it triggers me..it just basically disgusts me. I have not heard FWH listen to Kid Rock at all in the last 3 years since dday...not that I think he was, and was hiding it from me..I just haven't heard him listen to it..so I don't want to sound like I think he has been hiding this from me.

Im not comfortable with him listening to these kinds of songs anymore..they glorify whores and fucking as many girls as possible,etc..but am I being ridiculous in thinking he shouldn't listen to music like this? On one hand, I think Im being silly. OTOH, I think this is a no brainer. And a part of me wants to know WHY he likes this kind of music...and how does it make him feel??

Other than no porn, we don't have any restrictions on music or movies. If we are watching something and there is any nudity or anything sexual going on, FWH tends to change the channel, leave the room, or starts talking to me to distract me from what is going on on the screen. He knows it might trigger me, and he is very proactive in protecting me as much as possible. So when he is with me, he is very mindful of what is happening around us. But..this music..he will listen to at work..Im not there..and he is listening to this man sing about fucking young girls, and, well, anyone who know's Kid's music, knows what I am talking about.

It's NOT that I think the music will make him want to cheat. I promise, Im not that far gone. But it does make me uncomfortable.

I want to talk to FWH and tell him this is not ok with me. But, at the same time, I don't want to sound like his mother. What I AM is his wife..and I need him to do everything he can to make me feel safe. This music..bothers me..though I can't really pinpoint exactly WHY it bothers me. Should I discuss this with him? Or is this just me being silly( I can be paranoid and I do overreact sometimes..I am aware of this and working on it)?

Infidelity. Just when you think things are going well, you turn around and there is another puddle of shit to step over.

I am the queen of oversensitivity.

My guy listens to loads of music. He picks up a lot of it from me. I don't really care for some artists, like Die Antwoord, who have an disgustingly terrible song he likes. Jaw droppingly awful thing. He listens to some stuff that is all full of male angst. And he listens to and loves Lindsey Stirling. Which if you have seen or heard her, is entirely in a different realm.

All of that being said, no I don't think you are being sensitive, but I think this may be a boundry issue and that while his songs are triggering you, probably you should let it go and respect this space.

jmo

I think you need to talk to him about this. Tell him how it makes you feel, and see where he takes it.

I know if I talk to him, he will delete the songs. he is very good about getting rid of anything that might trigger me, or hurt me.

But..we are 3 years out from dday. And he has done everything I've asked of him..and more.

I don't expect him to like everything I like, or dislike everything I dislike. I don't want to be his mother. I want HIM to not like these kinds of songs...but clearly he still does. And it bothers me.

I think I will ask him WHY he likes this kind of music, then go from there. I think the problem is that I don't want to talk to him about this..I want him to just know this is inappropriate at this point in our life. Those songs take on a whole new meaning,now, after dday. It bothers me that he still likes this kind of music.

I also think part of my problem with this is..my mother censored my music ( and she went overboard...way overboard)...and I remember how I felt when she did this..so Im sure this is playing a part in me not wanting to talk to him about it. But. I will.

Ugh.

Which songs of theirs? Not all of their songs about women, in fact the few that make it to pop radio are generally not. I really like the 2 songs that Eminem recently did with Rihanna and neither is about sex. But I understand your concern because a lot of their songs are raunchy, but then so are some of Madonna's and Lady Gaga's songs.

I think you should check out which songs he downloaded first to see if he self censored. If not then talk to him and explain why the songs make you uncomfortable.

Because I was a Kid Rock fan before Dday, I am familiar with the lyrics of most of the songs he downloaded. A few, like "All Summer Long" and "Only God Knows Why" and the Eminem song with Rihanna are fine (he has these 3). But some are not ok (with me). Like "So Hott" and "Got One For You" are two that I object to.

Got One For you

Lit up like the Fourth, I'm a happy drunk

Come to Poppa, big Momma 'cause your Daddy's drunk

I wanna pump, pump it up like the Goodyear Blimp

Make ya hollar for a dollar, that's the way I pimp

Gold links and minks and shrimp dinners on the bayou

Thems are the things that I ain't gonna buy you

It's like one of them freak things

Hit it once maybe every couple week things

I got no love, I got no riches

I don't roll Vogues and I ain't got Switches

I got no game, I can't reward ya

But if you want a long one, baby

I got one for ya, this is your shot

I got one for ya, this is your shot

Uh huh, check it

People always talkin' what they gonna do

They must want their face to maybe taste my shoe

I can't understand all the push and shove

And what the fuck's happened to the peace and love

Who planted that glove man, I don't care

I'm too busy runnin' fingers through your Momma's hair

I got no time for the fakes and the phonies

The crooks and the creeps and the cops and the cronies

Am I the only one on my side

Test my pride, I bet you run and hide

You think I'm weak so you're lookin' for the kill

But there's sixteen shots in my nine milimil

I got one for ya, uh huh, this is your shot

I got one for ya, this is your shot

Jimmy, Jimmy, Ji ah, Jimmy, Jimmy

I like that

Yeah, lay it down, brother

Lay it down with me, baby

Lay it down with me, baby

This is your chance

Record companies stressing 'cause they all want hits

And yeah, I'm 'bout it, 'bout it so I make 'em like this

They say, "Hey there, boy, all we need is one song

Shorten up that hook, we don't need it that long"

Don't want to hear me 'cause don't want to hear me brag

So I'm grabbin' on my thingy while I let my pants sag

Never thinkin' what I'm writin', just writin' what I'm doin'

They say they like my record but they're still boo hooin'

My joint's always tight, my rhymes will floor ya

Hey, Slime, you wanna hit money, ha ha ha

I got one for ya

Bet that ass

This is your shot

Uh huh, Uh huh

I got one for ya

Here it is

This is your shot

Uh

We got one for ya babe, me and Kid Rock

We got one for ya babe, me and Kid Rock

Hey, hey

I got one for ya, babe

I got one for ya, babe

I got one for ya, babe

Me and Kid Rock, we gonna rock and gonna roll

We gonna rock, gonna roll, gonna rock 'n' roll

Gonna rock, gonna roll, we gonna rock around

Ha hii, hii, I like that

And "So Hott"

You got a body like the devil and you smell like sex

I can tell you're trouble but I'm still obsessed

Because you know you're so hott, I wanna get you alone

You're so hott, I wanna get you stoned

You're so hott, I dont wanna be your friend

I wanna fuck you like I'm never gonna see you again

Yeah! Well come on, yeah

You're like the kiss of death, like the hand of fate

Oh, I can tell you're trouble but I still wanna taste

Because you know you're so hott, I wanna get you alone

You're so hott, I wanna get you stoned

You're so hott, I dont wanna be your friend

I wanna fuck you like I'm never gonna see you again

Because you know you're so hott I wanna get you alone

You're so hott, I wanna get you stoned

You're so hott, I dont wanna be your friend

I wanna fuck you like I'm never gonna see you again

You're so hott, I wanna get you alone

I wanna get you stoned

I dont wanna be your friend

I wanna fuck you like I'm never gonna see you again

See you again

See you again

(((confused615)))

Music is so completely different and painful after a betrayal isnt it?

I couldnt turn the radio on for months and months after dday and sometimes, boy it still just makes me weep.

If your uneasy, speak with your husband about it. Especially if its just a particular song or two. He sounds as if he'll be understanding of it.

hugs,,,,,

After dday1, we bonded over video games. One in particular was Rock Band. He played the guitar and I sang. The problem is knowing lyrics to songs that you thought you liked. We were playing one night, with friends... And the song PDA by Interpol came up. It basically says; When you're happy you're boring... When I cheat, you get upset, and "you're so cute when you're frustrated". So i only cheat so you'll be interesting... (Paraphrasing...) I burst i to tears and dropped the mic... So much for keeping that secret.

So many songs gross me out or make me angry now... That Blurred Lines from Robin Thicke makes me want to throw shit, for real.

No, not too sensitive, and no genre is safe...even the "oldies" are tough for me now with all the "only you" "always" "never" type of lyrics...all which went out the window with the A. But yeah, the country stuff or rock stuff about sex, angsty secret love, and outright cheating are obnoxious.

I'd say something, even 3 yrs out (we're about 7 months out from DDay2, 7 yrs from dd#1)...if it bothered me this much, my fWH wouldn't want me to hold it in. No, music isn't going to "make them cheat" but all kinds of judgement calls can play with the mind.

I feel the same way you do so I don't think you're being to sensitive. Music is an expression. I listen to the music I do because of how it makes me feel, for how the lyrics relate to me. You're right. I don't want to have to tell my wh why what he is doing, saying, listening to, watching, etc is wrong. I want him to see it as wrong in the 1st place!

I think what you're feeling is totally understandable. Right after dday, I felt like every artist on the radio personally had it in for me, especially Bruno Mars! All the lyrics, whether they were about cheating, or breaking up, or forever love... were all a punch to the gut. Thank god I'm doing better with all that because I love music and really missed it during that time. Eventually you'll find those things affect you less and less.

As far as your H.... I don't want to make any generalizations, but it's definitely been my experience that guys don't listen and read into things like song lyrics as deeply as women do. Just meaning... I seriously doubt he likes the Kid Rock song you posted above because it talks about fucking around. He probably just likes the beat and doesn't think about the rest of it. My XWH could sing you any 80's hairband song you want, word for word... but if you asked him what the song was really "saying", he didn't have a clue. Obviously I don't know your H, and I could be wrong, but my guess is that you are projecting an importance on these lyrics that you feel, but he probably doesn't.

Should you say something to him? Sure, if it makes you that uncomfortable. He sounds like he's willing to do whatever you need in order to help you heal, and he would probably remove the songs. But if you decide to talk to him, I'd keep the emotion centered on you, not him, KWIM? IE: saying something like, "I feel a little uncomfortable with these song lyrics. They just hit me wrong sometimes." and see how he responds. Vs: "Why do you like listening to these songs with such demeaning lyrics about fucking?"

If he's at all like my XWH, it may take him a minute to even figure out which songs/lyrics you're referring to.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

((hugs!))

[This message edited by gypsybird87 at 4:14 PM, January 20th (Monday)]

I don't think you are being too sensitive. Music is a huge trigger for me, but instead of songs about sex, it is the ones where the singer sings about "missing you," "wishing I could be with you," etc. that I can't handle. I have asked WH if any of these songs have special meaning for him, but he says he doesn't notice the words half the time - hard to believe.

I can completely relate.

After my H’s affair, I changed in so many ways- as far as what types of vacations I want to go on, what I would prefer to do on a Friday night, what kinds of music I am comfortable listening to and movies/tv shows I am comfortable watching.

H, on the other hand, did not change. He did, in that I trust that he is not cheating. But he wanted to continue to live his life in the same way- meaning go on vacations centered around partying, drinking, and half-naked girls running around. He wanted to continue to see movies where affairs were a main part of the plot, and listen to music about cheating on “hoes” and the like. If there is something that triggers me, I tell him and he stops immediately. A lot of the time, he will stop with an attitude of, “You’re being ridiculous, but whatever you want.” It bothers me a lot that I have to TELL him that this isn’t something I am comfortable with anymore.

For me, it comes down to choosing battles. With music- that is something he can listen to on his own. He doesn’t listen to music around me for the most part, so as long as I don’t have to listen to something crude, I don’t throw a big stink. I wish he felt the same way that I do about the music, and HE chose not to listen to that kind of stuff on his own- but I can’t control him, or his thoughts. I can’t control his taste in music. And for me, I would much rather save the “fights” for things that are a bigger deal to me.

I don’t necessarily think you are over-reacting. My guess it it’s all just music and catchy beats to him, but I completely understand where you are coming from. You can’t control your triggers. My advice would be to figure out HOW big of a deal it is to you, and address it from there. If nothing else, opening the lines of communication to see what his thoughts are.