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But one thing I have learned is that other people can not keep us encouraged. Other people can not keep us cheered up. They may give us a boost, they may help us out from time to time but if we really want to live in victory that encouragement has to come from the inside. We must learn to encourage ourselves. -- Joel Osteen, Every Day a Friday.

I read this yesterday, just hours after I had encouraged my DS to think "good thoughts" like a chocolate cake the size of his bedroom in order to help him close his tired eyes and fall asleep. He has become quite anxious at bedtime - afraid of the dark, the bad guys. He told me he was trying to think those thoughts but whenever he did, the bad ones would come so fast and take over.

I realized that at his young age he just didn't know how to do this and keep it up. I had to help him hone this skill. This is going to take time and practice. It's not going to be fixed in one night. I stressed, every single time a bad thought comes in you must say, "STOP! And go to a happy place. The dark isn't scary. Your mind is just telling you that it is."

I realized I had to do this too after D-Day. It didn't go so well at first. Those first 3 months were horrible. I obsessed. I got lost in my thoughts. They were there when I went to sleep. They were there when I woke me up. Hell, they invaded my dreams! They were there when I was buying groceries or when I heard a song on the radio while driving. Carrie Underwood's, Before He Cheats? I LOVED that song and imagined her rage. Now...I GET it!

But....at some point last spring I started the positive self-talk. Told myself: STOP LA! Think about the good stuff you do. The good things you have done. You are a good person. You are a worthy person who has so much to offer. Instead of empowering the past, look at what is happening NOW.

Then, last night as I moved a book (on infidelity!) a card fell to the floor. It was from my Mom. It was a letter of encouragement she wrote me when we moved away almost nine years ago. One line read, "LA, you are strong and you are willing."

She saw this way before me. And now I know its really true. I am strong. And I am willing. There's my MANTRA. What's yours? We need to TEACH ourselves how to encourage from within. It's a choice; To find the strength within.

Go on. Encourage yourself. Start right now. You can do it.

Good for you, LA44.

It is important that we encourage ourselves and find our own resilience.

My mantras have changed over the last year. Right now I sing "you're going hear me roar" in my head.

Good mantra! I read once that over 70% of self talk is negative. That's crazy-high!

It's exhausting too! We make ourselves sick. Perhaps if we start introducing positive self talk then little by little it can become new habit.

I had an aquaintance tell me once to look at my self in the mirror every day and basque in my own beauty. I felt so uncomfortable and awkward but I kinda see what she was getting at now.

I have way too much negative self talk. I'm working on it. It's a process I guess.

I want to think of a personal mantra. Maybe today's will just be "not only can you do it, you ARE doing it"

Good for you Morhurt! It feels awkward bc we never do it. We do it for others all the time tho don't we. But not for ourselves.

We need to be our own best friend!

Ooh - "I am strong and I am willing. . .". Awesome stuff.

One of my favorite songs pertains to this:

"Encourage Yourself"

Sometimes you have to encourage yourself.

Sometimes you have to speak victory during the test.

And no matter how you feel,

speak the word and you will be healed;

speak over yourself,

encourage yourself in the Lord.

Sometimes you have to speak the word over yourself,

the pressure is all around,

but God is present help.

The enemy created walls,

but remember giants, they do fall;

speak over yourself,

encourage yourself in the Lord.

As I minister to you, oh I minister to myself,

life can hurt you so,

'til you feel there's nothing left.

(No matter how you feel),

(speak the word and you will be healed).

This is wonderful! We need to be our own best advocates!

What a wonderful thread! I'm so starting this right now!!! Thank you LA and others.

I really like this thread too. I notice that as a BS there as soooo many changes going on inside me...it is even a matter of a struggle with identity...I was someone with him...now I am someone else. Changes and growth are good but let's face it...also unsettling! As a result it is easy to get sucked into negativity and as go our thoughts so go feelings and usually actions..or rather non-actions.

I think this has been on SI before but I re-post as I got a lot of inspiration to stay positive from this (see below) as I struggle with the "growing and changing me" , the "growing and changing him" and our growing and changing relationship" that is a hell of a lot of change and growth all at once isn't it!:

"It is only a thought and a thought can be changed. The thoughts i choose to think and believe right now are creating my future. These thoughts form my experiences tomorrow, next week and next year.

I release the past with ease and I trust in the process of life. I do not use yesterday"s mental garbage to create tomorrow's experiences.

I create fresh thoughts and a fresh new life.

All of my relationships are enveloped in a circle of love. We ar all students and teachers. I often ask myself, "What did I come here to learn and what did I come to teach?"

These are from Louise L. Hay's Wisdom Cards (amazon)

[This message edited by morethantrying at 1:32 AM, February 1st (Saturday)]

Thanks so much for this post and the contributing posts, just what I need to hear today.

I've always been better at seeing the positive in others more so than myself but since dday I am constantly overwhelmed by negative self thoughts and images. I'm nine weeks in and still find the situation unbearable so the thread has told me that my healing will only come from within myself. I really must be nicer to myself, starting now.

I'm nine weeks in and still find the situation unbearable so the thread has told me that my healing will only come from within myself.

Hey Lola, well yes you do have your own share of healing to do. No doubt about it. You will see many people on here who are STRUGGLING 2, 3, 4 years later. They note that their spouses are doing EVERYTHING right - they are kind, thoughtful, honest, transparent. So why are they still in such pain?

IMO its bc they are looking to someone else (their WS) to heal their pain and while it IS impt for the WS to "step up", "own it" and that this goes a long way into the healing process, at some point, the BS has to say, "Ok. Have I accepted what has happened? What am I doing to heal ME?" IC, reading, both! I don't have to like it. I don't have to get it. But I accept it." Take a deep breath and keep going from there.

Having said that, you are only 9 weeks out - very raw, very painful time for you ((lola)). You need to take very good care of yourself right now - as much as possible bring some good thoughts into your head to allow for some peace.

And I hope your spouse is bending over backwards to help repair the damage.