SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Today I gave my BH a narrative of my affair. He suggested it about 3 weeks ago and gave me time to work on it so that it would be complete enough that when he asks "Is there anything else?" I can honestly (for once) say "no, that is all." When I handed it to him he was very clear: if there is anything that comes out later, he will divorce me. However, I trickled truth long enough that any credibility I might have built up is gone. When I told him that it is complete, that I tried to anticipate questions, that I will answer truthfully any questions he does have, he has no reason to believe me.

I have read many stories here about TT and lies being what finally broke the marriage. How far out were you when the TT ended? When did you realize the TT had ended? Were you able to R or did you D? Other than working on myself and examining why I held on to the facts for so long, do you have any suggestions?

Thank you.

In my case....TT ended at 3 months 1 week. In my case it was the substance of the TT that was the only thing that kept us going. IF it had been something much worse in my mind.....it would have been over. I had learned piece by piece ove that 3 months the entire story.....I was beaten down week after week and was holding on by a thread.

Can I ask the depth of your TT?

I never got the truth until two years after the D. The sad part was for me the truth would have been easier to deal with.

She confessed to having an A, she was honest about everything except who it was with and what the A was about. Her story was EA turned PA. 8 physical encounters full blown intercourse the last three times, with a coworker. The truth was it was purely sex with some random guy who she never even knew his last name. Her thinking was, telling me feelings were involved made her seem (to me) like less of a whore.

It was the feeling that she wasn't being honest that ended the marriage. We were two years out when I filed for D. A total of 4 years before I got the truth.

I got the whole truth 10 months after Dday. The story has not changed since.

Now 2+ years out a day doesn't go by where I Don't wonder if there really is more. TT is so destructive. We are really trying but I don't know if trust will ever exist again.

Good for you Neznayou.

I divorced my XWW not because of her affair but because of her lack of openness and honesty after several D days. I would have given anything to hear her just tell me the whole truth. Everything I found out was from my own detective work and from other people. I will never know if the reality of her affair was better or worse than what I have imagined. I simply had to be able to forgive her in order to stay married but without the truth, I couldn't do either. I stayed for about 2 years and saw no real progress on her part. It was pure hell for me to endure what my mind was imagining. Honesty, I don't know if I could have lived with the truth of what she did either. Unfortunately, I will never know now. Not knowing the whole truth even a year after our divorce was final still haunts me daily. She wanted me in her life after the divorce was final but because of her selfish lack of openness and honesty, I am choosing NC. I cannot stay friendly with someone who didn't even have enough respect and concern for my emotional health after 18 years together and 3 children, to tell me the truth.

[This message edited by Decimated at 11:34 AM, February 3rd (Monday)]

How far out were you when the TT ended?

5 weeks

When did you realize the TT had ended?

He said he would give a full confession after saying "there are things about the A you don't know" it crushed me because he had told me a story that I accepted at first. But for 5 weeks the story didn't make sense to me, not only in the content but in his actions.

So after the full confession the TT ended.

Were you able to R or did you D?

We are in R. Sometimes I feel like if he had given me 100% truth on DD#1 I would have left or he would - he was still "in love". He realised over the 5 weeks he had to make a decision He chose me and then told me everything so I could make a decision after he had. Don't get me wrong, those were the worst 5 weeks of my life. Since then we have been able to talk and have only had about 3 major arguments about the A.

Other than working on myself and examining why I held on to the facts for so long, do you have any suggestions?

I think working out the why of the A is essential and this may lead you to work out why you held back with the truth. Like I said, he was still in the fog back then so may the same for you. Things happen on both sides when we're ready.

Say sorry, sorry, sorry, full transparency and also, feel good that you have finally got to the first stage.

18 months, which included 12 months of false R and a second dday 12 months after the first that revieled 3 more AP's. 6 months of TT and lies after our second dday.

It was horrific. I was going to kick him out after Christmas and that when it finally ended.

We've been in real R for 13 months. I do still wonder at times, but his story has no longer changed, he's no longer defensive and always answers me.