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NewWorldMan (original poster member #33607) posted at 7:21 PM on Friday, February 7th, 2014
I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this.
I'm divorced, former WS. I cheated on my wife many times throughout our 20 year marriage. I don't want to rehash all the details.
My problem is learning to live with the guilt of what I've done. I hurt my ex-wife and I hurt my kids. My kids know that I cheated on their mom. They say they love me and forgive me. I'm just having a really difficult time dealing with the guilty feelings and remorse.
To complicate matters, I moved very far away to take a job that I needed to take to help with my financial situation. So, I don't get to see my kids as much as I would like. I talk to them everyday.
I feel awful about the things I did to my ex-wife. She's getting her life back together and moving on. I think she's dating some dude. It hurts me to think that my kids will see him more than they see me. It really really hurts. I really fucked things up.
I've apologized to her many times and she says she's ok. I still care about her, despite my prior actions.
I need to get back to IC. I should be able to afford it now.
Can anyone recommend a good book or something that I could do to help assuage my guilt?
HUFI-PUFI ( member #25460) posted at 7:40 PM on Friday, February 7th, 2014
Shame & Guilt: Masters of Disguise by Jane Middelton-Moz
Healing the Shame that Binds You by John Bradshaw
Guilt is a very common response for the WS to experience. At its worst, it leads to the shame spiral, at its best, it can prompt us to develop better behaviors. Dealing with it requires a few steps including acknowledging, acceptance, creating change, forgiveness etc.
IMHO, the key to dealing with guilt/shame is to acknowledge your mistake, accept your role in this issue and understand that it occurred because you were only human. Don’t engage in days, weeks or months of self-blame. Indulging in guilt happens when you focus on the should’ve known, should’ve acted differently, or should’ve been an ideal person. Learn to accept that you’re not perfect but neither is anyone else. Accept the reality that while you may have made mistakes, you are not a mistake in Gods eyes.
HUFI
Edited for spelling & typos 
[This message edited by HUFI-PUFI at 1:41 PM, February 7th (Friday)]
Don’t listen to your head, it’s easily confused. Don’t listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.
NewWorldMan (original poster member #33607) posted at 8:15 PM on Friday, February 7th, 2014
Thanks HUFI. I'll check it out. I appreciate the positive words.
Wayflost ( member #41583) posted at 7:34 AM on Saturday, February 8th, 2014
I very recently finished the first book mentioned by Hufi. It was difficult for me to get through, but well worth it. The read in itself is fairly easy, and the book is short. It's just a lot to process.
"Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly."
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