We are doing well (well, as well that can be expected) since my wife's affair got blown open on D-Day in Nov last year. I put up with about a month or two of trickle truth whereby 'we just made out once during a run at lunch at work' turned into 7-9+ (who knows?) of lunch time make out sessions and handjobs in parks and gardens near their work. I was assured no sexting had taken place, and that sex wasn't the objective of the affair as it 'wasn't like that'. I managed to retrieve Emails from the affair where I found out that my wife had told OM that she loved him, and had considered what his surname would sound like; a statement that enraged me noting that my wife had tarried for 18 months to get around to changing her pre-marriage surname to mine.
We went away to try and R on a belated honeymoon overseas in Dec which was great. Things were going well and we were open with each other. My WW has shown remorse and wished none of it ever happened. She has been keen to go to MC (which we have done), and that has been very beneficial. I was always told that the affair only went for 6 weeks, I investigated phone records after we got back from honeymoon and found out it had actually been going on for about 3-4 months, with 1000s of SMSs having been exchanged. I was furious. Again, I had to play detective to get a straight answer to a very simple question. About two weeks ago, OMW contacted me to let me know that she had managed to download their SMS history off OM's phone. She said that she 'highly recommended' I not read them, but that they contained prolific sexting, and that they were planning an overnight work trip (which never happened as they got caught before that) in late Nov. Oh, as an aside, she told me that my wife had also told OM that she 'hadn't totally discounted the idea of one day pursuing a romantic relationship with another woman either.' I again, hit the roof.
I mentioned to the MC that I was livid that I had to keep conversing with the OMW's to get a true picture of the affair, as my WW had time and time again only admitted to what I knew. The MC suggested that this was a 'shame' reaction on behalf of my WW, and that it while being painful, was normal under the circumstances.
On top of this, OMW told me to 'watch your wife carefully, as she has done this before'. This piqued my interest. As background, I had tensions with my WW when we were engaged over a guy at her work who suddenly became very interested in her, and who was SMSing her at weird hours of the night asking her to 'come out for just a drink'. I was living about 300km away at the time (I was waiting on a military posting to her city so we could start living together), and this cause great strain to me as I didn't trust his intentions. I was always told that this guy 'was just lonely' because he had just posted to the city and that he needed some friends. I found out sometime later from her FB history that he had shown up at her apartment at 2am one night after drinking, and that she had let him in for 'only half an hour' before he went home. I hit the roof but she swore black and blue that nothing ever happened between them and that I had nothing to worry about. I got over it and let it go.
I asked OMW to confirm with OM what he knew. Apparently my WW and OM had had a chat about past relationships in the past, and although he didn't get the full story, apparently my WW had alluded to something 'happening with a guy she handed her job over to' (this guy in question) and that it was a 'story for another time'. This was probably the same time the OM had admitted to sleeping with 8 other women, but that's another story...
Anyway, my WW still denies that anything happened with this guy while we were engaged. If anything hadn't happened, than why the hell does OM and OMW know of it? If nothing had happened, why would my WW had even raised it with OM? To me, noting my WW's actions in having the affair, what the hell was stopping her when we were engaged? At any rate, it's just another pause for thought for me in considering total R.
Bringing us up to the present, I am still very, very angry, but am in a very apathetic mood inn regards to the M. My WW is doing everything right, she's changed her surname as she said she would (finally), we have done a few sessions of MC, and the MC thinks we are doing really well. But I don't see what has changed other than the fact my WW finally got caught.
One of the key themes of my WW's correspondence with OM was that she regretted getting married so early and having a baby before all of her friends (she was 28 at the time). There were allusions to me being 'baggage' and that she wished she could just 'leave it all behind' at times. On multiple occasions my wife admitted to loving me, but wanting to 'have her cake and eat it too' (she actually wrote that), and that she was able to 'compartmentalise the two relationships quite easily'. To me, this indicates a deep seated issue that needs to be addressed professionally. I should also note that as soon as D-Day occurred, my wife cut OM like a bad smell. OMW actually admitted to me that OM now hates my wife with a passion, primarily because he was so shocked at how easily she was able to cut him off post-DDay despite being apparently 'in love with him'.
But now we're in R, my wife claims to be more in love with me than ever, and that all of the things she said to OM weren't true, and that she was just carried up in the fantasy. She claims that this has been a huge wake-up call, and it has been a call to action for her. But I'm not convinced. We're in a zone whereby all of the harsh words have been said, and we're getting back to some semblance of a normal life. I asked my wife months ago to read 'Not Just Friends' and 'After the Affair' and she's barely read 10% of one book. She admitted to wanting to see an IC (and it was a condition of R), but last week cancelled her appointment as she felt it was a waste of money and that she was feeling better about things anyway. She's trawling real estate websites looking at houses to buy (something we were going to do pre-affair) and doesn't understand why I am disinterested in even considering getting into that kind of financial situation at the moment. I have asked her repeatedly about the guy I was worried about when we were engaged and she has said emphatically that nothing ever happened with him. In response to her statement about being open to having a romantic relationship with other women (as OMW found in one of their SMSs), she claims to me that that was all a joke, and that she isn't attracted to women in that way. She's also started raising the idea of trying for a second baby next year, which I don't get noting that she told OM repeatedly in Emails back in the day that she didn't think she wanted another child, but that she was worried because I did.
To me this all sounds dangerously like rug-sweeping, and I am uncomfortable with it. My wife evidently has a learned behaviour or a series of issues whereby she sees nothing wrong with cheating as long as no one gets hurt/finds out. Unless she addresses this, I am scared of the day she just decides to do this to me...which I guess she already has. I spend most nights crying in the shower while trying to show a happy face to my 20 month old daughter and show my wife I still love her and want to make this work. I just feel R is moving waaaay to quickly for my liking noting the issues above.
Sorry for the vent, but it felt great to get it all out. Any thoughts?
[This message edited by Hurthalo at 12:21 AM, February 9th (Sunday)]
