SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

We have 69 more days till our legal separation is final.

I have tried to take everyone's advice and not rush into a decision so we filed for legal separation instead of divorce. Today is exactly 1 month since DDay and I just can't see any other option than divorce and I want to convert.

For those that don't know my story I walked in on my WH and my BF while her H watched. After that I found out about 2 other ONS and financial infidelity where he rang up over 30K in debt that I did not know about using credit cards. Still don't know what he bought.

My WH has shown no real remorse since I kicked him out 2 days later. At first I was really hurt that he was not begging and pleading but now I see it as a blessing as I was able to get clarity on what to do.

As far as I am concerned the man I married no longer exists. I will of course still have to interact with him due to business issues and our kids but I just want to move on with my life. He has taken too much from me already.

I am afraid if I tell him I want a D it will get nasty and so far although he has not been remorseful he has not been mean.

Either he...

A) thinks this is just going to take time and space for me to heal and I will eventually ask him to come home (that is NOT going to happen!!!)

Or

B) he is spineless and just wants me to have to say "I want a divorce."

Any advice on how to tell him so he does not get mean and vindictive?

No advice but I will follow this thread, I have the same fears..

My WH has NOTHING to show for being in his late 50's..

A divorce from me will be his windfall of sorts, so he has no business becoming mean and vindictive but I am sure he will..

As we go thru this you and I will have to protect ourselves and surround ourselves with people who love and care about us..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 9:17 AM, February 11th (Tuesday)]

You're really asking for advice on how to control another person.

The answer to that is: you can't.

If you want a divorce, if you NEED a divorce, you must file for divorce. What he thinks, what he does, how it affects him -- that doesn't matter.

A log of energy is focused on the STBX here. The fact is, either he's going to become mean, nasty, and vindictive, or he's not. Coddling him and softening the blow probably makes little difference in the long run.

If you have serious questions about divorce, I recommend posting down in the D/S forum. Lots of good people there, with experience.

If you're truly at that point, I think you let the lawyers tell him.

If you're considering telling him, I'd deeply consider if it's the D you want, or some kind of a response from him for threatening a D.

Best wishes! So sorry you ended up in this situation. You didn't deserve it.

You don't have to ask him.

Don't ask him.

You DO what YOU need to do for your children and yourself.

You cannot control how he is going to act and at this point how he acts and reacts is not what you should be thinking much about.

You should be focused on moving your life forward and away from this Jerry Springer bullshit.

What he thinks and says doesn't matter anymore.

File for divorce on your own. No need to even tell him.

The court will tell him for you.

Then, pushing hard and with steadfast resolve, move forward.

My opinion is you don't ASK for a divorce. You just do it. Did he ask you about hurting you? No. I am a paralegal and basically the attorney's file an amended Complaint or Petition for Dissolution of Marriage, meaning it is converted from a separation to a divorce proceeding. If you want to stop the proceedings at any time, including up to the day of the final hearing you can. If you feel this is what you want to do, do it. Do not ASK him.

I went ahead and filed. He found out when he was served. There was going to be drama either way and it was my preference to let him find out through a third party.

We were doing in-house S so I went NC and waited several hours before going home. I wanted to give him time to work through the anger and shock before seeing him.

Mine never expected me to hire an L or ever file for D, but it was the best decision for me.

If you think there's going to be drama when he gets the news, then your priority should be your safety and peace of mind.

If you can't see your way to R with him. You dnt have to ask. Just file.

I am. I have tried getting past and asking him to fix what's broken. He refuses. So in filing. He knows nothing. He will be blindsided by it and angry. But he brought it on.

You have to evaluate what you need so you can be the parent you should be to your kids. If that is without him. So be it.

Good luck.

Just do it. Ask your attorney what is the best way.

Personally, I would just serve him the papers and let him know that any correspondence will be through your attorney and his.

The less you have to deal with him the better.

Wow, how low can you go and do what h e did to you not to mention your BF and her H. What a bunch of lowlifes.

Take care.

Go to a lawyer. Tell the lawyer you want a divorce. The lawyer will take care of it.

Not everyone chooses to reconcile. And since your husband is a particularly disgusting individual who showed you absolutely NO respect whatsoever, reconciliation would be far too good for someone like him.

I think you're smart and I applaud you. 100%.

The beauty of divorce is that you don't have to ask his permission for it - pretty much JUST like when he didn't ask YOUR permission before he selfishly drove you into credit card debt. And God only KNOWS what type of deviant games he's been up to all these years that you DIDN'T find out.

I hope you've been STD tested because this guy is a walking disease magnet.

You're my new hero. Good on you.

You cannot control him. You need to be sure of what you want and stick with it. Tell your lawyer you want him to deal w/ WH and keep contact with him as minimal as possible (assuming it becomes nasty and you cant work through the basics together).

Good luck whatever you may choose.

Thanks everyone. My concern is that we have a lot of assets and I have been the more successful one. We have already agreed to the division of assets, parenting plan, custody and child support and filed those papers with the court. My concern is if he knows there is no chance for reconciliation he may get a lawyer involved and when the lawyer sees all the assets I could get hurt even more. I just want this to be over.

I would convert to divorce asap. Whatever orders you have in place now with regard to property division remain in place at least temporarily when you amend the complaint. So, you don't lose whatever protection you feel like you have right now, if that makes sense. From where I am standing you have two choices, keep the legal separation and continue to walk on eggshells hoping he won't get an attorney or talk to a friend who clues him in to the fact that he could be going after a bunch of money; or you file for divorce and start the clock ticking. He has equal opportunity to change his mind until the divorce is finalized. The only real protection you have is in the final divorce judgment.

If you are worried about how he will take it, you can always broach the subject with him gently, as in: how would you feel if I filed for divorce?

If you have the means and resources to divorce him, DO IT NOW..

If after some months or years your WH wants to come back into your life , and you decide to let him, you two can forge a new relationship...You will still have the protections of your D still in place..

For me I suspect my WH has already gotten info from friends and he knows he can go after part of my retirement/future income that I have worked hard for for 30 years..

I am in a precarious spot because my WH has been unemployed for a long time ( no pension at all) .. He just started back to work 3 weeks ago after 2 years of unemployment..So even though I am okay financially ( if I just had myself to support) , I cannot take on supporting a dependent or survive on 1/2 of my pension..

So DO IT NOW and let the process server be your WH's way of finding out..Just ensure that you are safe..

Plan and think out things with the assumption that yes, your WH will get a lawyer involved..

You have 15 more working years ahead of you than I do, if we think about or calculate things based on when average people retire..

This is the perspective where my advice is coming from..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 6:36 PM, February 11th (Tuesday)]

You may want to inventory how much he has to lose by making this process contentious, rather than just how much you could lose. Find the short hairs, in other words, before you drop the bomb.

Inventory your leverage points.

* Public shame - as you will make sure the public record documents the WHY

* Financial harm in the future - will he be able to get work if certain proclivities become public knowledge?

* Family shame - what's his perspective and what exposure would hurt him the worst that wouldn't hurt you or your children worse?

* Neighbor shame - that goes without saying. Let them put pressure on him to just get this past him and move on for their sakes... How are they going to feel about being deposed?

* Who else can you depose who would not appreciate your WH putting them through this?

* what other vulnerabilities does he not want exposed?

Once you have that inventory - check it again. There's always more. Think fierce here. Think Art of War. If you feel weak; what can you have to make you appear invincible and undefeatable where he will just want to run and cower?

This is really tough... many people ask for one in the heated moment of anger. If you are sure this is what you want then see an attorney and ask him if the separation agreement in place is what the court will agree with in a divorce. He will likely have excellent advice and know how to handle it all.

Once you have as many protections as possible in place then, if you want to be courteous, tell him that you have been thinking and have decided the best route to move forward in your healing is to make the separation 'permanent' and that it is time to divorce.

He may get nasty- can't stop that but you will be well armed with good advice from a lawyer- do nothing until you see one and understand the consequences first. The longer you stay married, the longer the marriage lasts and the harder it may be in courts to separate everything.... and you don't want to come out on the losing end financially. It's always easier to cut the ties sooner while you have the time to rebuild your finances.

Convert the separation. And trust me, what TrustedHer said is *spot on*:

****The fact is, either he's going to become mean, nasty, and vindictive, or he's not. Coddling him and softening the blow probably makes little difference in the long run.****

I wanted to add that you should discuss with your attorney fraud and the fiduciary expenses spouses owe each other and the penalty for breach of said duty. Should your WH get vindictive, this is a card in your pocket. The $30k in credit card debt and insurance check as well as any other financial infidelity are potentially recoverable.

I went and picked up the form today, filled it out and was on way to serve him. Got 2 blocks from the office and stopped. It's not that I don't want a divorce, I REALLY REALLY do but I was super angry today over a bill he never paid. It was for an ambulance our DD had to take. He instead took the money the insurance company sent and spent it and then lied to my face and told me he paid it. Truly is a new low for even for him.

When I called to confront him on it, suddenly I am "trying to control him" and I just need to stop yelling at him as "it's been a month already". Oh, I'm sorry, you fu**k** my BF and I am supposed to be past this already. Aggghhhh. And then he adds that I am using our kids as pawns to throw the fact he spent our DD ambulance money. "It was just a bill, it had nothing to do with our DD." OMG he is in such deep denial. He also said he refuses to allow me to let him feel guilty over any of this anymore.

I really wanted to throw those papers in his face and tell him how very little I want to "control" him but then my senses came back and I realize I need to do my very best to keep this civil. I don't want to give him the papers while angry. I want to give them when I am completely calm so he knows I am serious and this is not a game or my anger making me do it. I have given a lot of thought to it.

[This message edited by iamsoblind42 at 8:15 PM, February 12th (Wednesday)]