SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

A year and a half ago I suspected my partner had cheated and eventually he told me he had kissed someone and that he regretted it completely. Two weeks ago he gave me his phone to take to work as mine was broke and I received a phone call from a women...who informed me he is the father to her one year old! We have been together 6 years and have a 2 year old together.

He knew and lied to my face, he asked me to marry him knowing another woman was pregnant with his baby. I'm devastated. I honestly don't know how to deal with all my emotions!!

They have both since informed me it was a one night stand when he was working away when I was on maternity leave! I don't know what to do and all I can do is cry and think of my poor baby that now has a sister from another woman.

X

Hi Brokenhearted88. I'm so sorry for your pain, but glad that you've found this wonderful web site! Infidelity is very hard to bear, but knowing that the person one loves has fathered a child with another woman is undoubtedly still more heart-breaking.

But you are not alone. I'm posting to reassure you that you've been heard and I know that others will be along to offer their support soon. (Traffic on the site tends to be a little slower at weekends.) The members here are amazingly kind and supportive, and there is a wealth of helpful information on the site, too. If you haven't already done so, you might like to browse through some of the articles in "The Healing Library". You should see a link to it in the yellow box at the top left of the screen.

There are quite a lot of other members here who have had to cope with the pain of a child being born to the woman with whom their spouse has been unfaithful. (You'll often see the child born of the affair referred to with the abbreviation OC. ie. the "Other Child.") In fact, there is a special section of the forums devoted to this problem, which you might like to visit as well as this "just Found Out" section. To find it, go to the forums list and open the section called "I Can Relate." Then look for the thread with the heading "OC Thread."

Like most of us when we first learned of the betrayal, you're probably walking around like a zombie, as a result of the shock and horror of the discovery. But you will get through it, just as those of us ahead of you on this horrible road have done. As you care for your little daughter, make sure that you take care of yourself, too. It's sometimes difficult to eat or sleep when you are in an emotional turmoil. But do please try. As I said, you'll find a lot of support and even friendship here. In the meantime, here's an SI forum hug from me.

{{Brokenhearted88}}

[This message edited by Cally60 at 6:11 AM, February 16th (Sunday)]

My wife only had an emotional affair and I'm reeling from it! I can't imagine how bad you must be feeling. Delve deep into this site. You will find awesomely supportive people with good insight. Sorry for your situation, but happy you found your way here! Good luck!

My heart goes out to you, Brokenhearted. I know your emotions are overwhelming and painful and confusing. Do you have anyone to talk to? It would help if you could confide in a friend or a counselor. Make sure to take care of yourself for your own sake and for your child.

You'll find a lot of support and love on this site, including plenty of tough love if you need that. Sending you peace and strength.

Brokenhearted, I read your post. You came to the right place on the internet for support and help. I am new here and my story does not involve the added pain of another child from the infidelity. I just wanted to offer you my support and strength. Hugs.

I am so sorry, all I can tell you is this site saved my sanity, when I was pretty sure I was going crazy. The road ahead is tough but please keep someone close that you can talk to, and come here often, post your feelings, you are not alone.

Thanks everyone for replying!

It's nice not to feel completely alone for once! I have just been blindsided by all of this. I have booked an appointment to see someone about arranging counselling for me as and individual but also as a couple.

I am very alone at the moment. I have not been able to talk to my family for fear of their reactions. They don't particularly like my partner after the first revelations. One of the worst points in this is I got the phone all whilst in a meeting with work colleagues so everyone in work knows and have all made their opinions known...you deserve better, waste of space, leave him....none are supportive of staying to try and work it out to the point I have told them he's moved out which he hasn't.

His family know and are being less than supportive for any of us. They made it clear to me that he's done wrong and if I choose to stay then have to move on and stop crying. If not leave. They've not even said anything to him and I mean anything!

I have one supportive friend but feel like she's getting fed up of hearing about how I feel.

Honestly so glad I have found somewhere to vent and realise I'm not the only one who feels like my life is a lie.

Thanks

So your husband and his girlfriend were in regular contact? If so he has essentially been leading a double life. Surely the reaction from your colleagues and family are normal in this case?

You need to find out what your dealbreakers are and then stick to them.

1) Both of you get checked for STDs

2) Go to a lawyer to see your options in terms of separation.

3) Demand the identity of the girlfriend.

From there, you can make your own choices with regards to staying or leaving.

Stop defending your husband. If you need to talk to a family member, then you talk to a family member.

I am so sorry.

The consensus here, and my experience, is that cheaters very rarely admit to the whole truth at the beginning. They play it down as much as possible. My husband took 3 months to admit sleeping with the other woman and that was after I did a lot of research.

I am suspicious of the whole one-night stand story. Sadly, it is possible that your partner has told the other woman to support him in this ONS story - if not you will go crazy, track her down, throw red paint over her and stop him paying child support blah blah blah. It's very common for cheaters to portray the betrayed spouse as batshit crazy, unstable, suicidal and someone who needs to be lied to for everyone's good.

You need to know what you are dealing with here. A ONS is very different from maintainng a second relationship and family.

When I received the phone call it was because she had not heard from him since she was 28 weeks pregnant when she told him it was either have contact and come clean to me or stay away. He chose to stay away. He never actually seen her again since the one night stand. They have spoken twice on the phone. First when she phoned to inform him of the pregnancy and second at the 28 week mark. She then text him when the OC was born to which they both say he never replied. I have phone records which also back this up. She only phoned to start child support as she had initially told him she didn't want money from him as it was a one night stand and didn't want the father involved. However she is now needing money.

I don't want to tell my family not for fear of what they will say to him etc it is more that they will not support my decision to try and fix this if possible.

Life is a mess.

Xx

Also I have been STD tested...negative thankfully.

I know the details of the other person due to her phone call.

Also she lives 600 miles away and i know for certain he hasn't been there since may 2012.

Xx

[This message edited by Brokenhearted88 at 2:23 AM, February 17th (Monday)]

Really struggling today. Not sleeping very well and struggling to understand how he could lie to me and look me in the eyes and say it was a kiss when he knew he had another baby.

X

Well Brokenhearted, just know that for the next 18-23 years, roughly 33% of his salary will be garnished for child support, and you can probably look forward to many, many future hours spent in court fighting this woman each time she gets a bug up her ass and wants an assessment to raise the monthly child support amount, or she wants him to start providing health/dental/vision insurance, or she's demanding that he pay for half the child's braces or summer camp or a school wardrobe or class trip to Oshkosh - the list just goes on and on and on.

The absolute FIRST question to ask is - has he had a DNA test to prove paternity?

Sorry, but you have to question the paternity of a child born to a woman who engages in one night stands. He'd be a complete fool if he HASN'T been tested.

If the DNA test proves that he IS the father, you need to get to a lawyer, pronto. The lawyer may very well suggest that YOU file for child support from your husband before she does. I've often heard and read that in the US, the first petitioner for child support always has the advantage because all of the available salary (after deductions, etc.) will be used in figuring out the monthly amount of child support that will be assigned.

HOWEVER, the second person in line looking for child support will not get as much as the first one because the payment for #2 will be figured on the money he's got left AFTER he's paid child support order number #1. So clearly, the first one in line apparently gets the lion's share. Hey, it may sound cold and it may sound methodical, but NOW is the time to protect yourself. Not 2 months or a year from now - you have to look out for yourself NOW.

I'd seriously get to a lawyer today.