Betrayal from adultery is a strong test, maybe the strongest test of a relationship . It is traumatic level pain for the BS....totally normal to feel the pain you are feeling.... Even given the time that has passed.
2-5 years is the suggested time frame for healing to occur .
Couple things about that .....
The simple and easy task of time passing does not heal you . My Mom, 30 years past her D of my Dad and she still has raw pain just under the surface . The work she has done over the years is work to wall off others, to guard her heart. That is not healing.... It is self-protection. Totally understand this....just using it to point out that healing work needs to accompany the passage of time .
My wife kept a case of infidelity a secret from me while we were engaged. I found an open email between her and another man.... Intimate in nature. Long story short.....neither of us did any work on that issue. 2 years into our M found my wife crying to her sister on the lack of what our M was..... That was a one -time conversation between her and her sister.... I didn't know about it and we never did any work on it. Fast forward. 13 more years......my wife commits full on adultery ..... that original 2 year conversation surfaces and I know about it for the first time. That first OM was an influence on my wife, and therefore our M, the whole time....the second was too of course .
Point is.....work , real hard, honest work is needed. It is not easy nor comfortable.....two elements that keep a person from changing. A person can shove feelings down, ignore, deny them.....but they are still influenced by them. Maybe not consciously but they are influenced.
Gently, suicide such as your husbands attempt are a cry for help and attention....and I am glad he got it. But it does not prove he is remorseful in a healthy way. It, to me, speaks more to a known escape-from-life mode of operation that is common among WS.
I wish we could change our choices of the past.....should have delayed our M, gotten really good pre-M counseling, worked on identifying our FOO and how it was influencing us. I suspect you wish you could do a few things differently too.
Reality is you are still in pain. Passage of time has little bearing on your sitch.
Are you in IC ? Is your husband? Real life friend support network in place? Have a relationship with God? Are you a reader? Doing things that feed YOUR soul? Identified unhealthy things about yourself that need worked on ?
I have learned that solo growth is much easier than M growth.....do you feel responsible for your husbands growth ?
I am so sorry your pain has lasted this long. I am only 19 months out and am VERY ready to be pain free. I pray that the pain I feel right now, this morning, will ease by time to wake our girls and get to work .
I suspect it will.... My pain ebbs and flows....and relative peace is found.
I will say a specific prayer for you both now....that peace is felt and that opportunities to grow and heal become apparent to you.
God be with us all.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 5:11 AM, February 24th (Monday)]
