Hi Sparkle.
You just had another dday on 2/13. Did his affair just end? Was it cut off because they were caught?
I am going against what many others here are saying. What you are doing is not ok. The feelings you have are completely normal but abusing someone to get your point across and release pain is never ok.
R needs to be put on hold. Not because of your anger, but because you are so fresh into this. Your WS isn’t ready, and I hear many people saying tough luck he has to be willing to x,y,z to R. That’s true, he does have to be willing to do a lot of work to R with you.
But it is too early for you to offer R and much too early for him to accept it.
You may know in your gut you want to save your marriage, I get it. I wanted that too.
There is a process, he has just come out of his A ( I think) he is still foggy and hasn’t done any healing yet. He needs to remove the AP from his mind and get to a point where the A was a bad thing. If he is still foggy the A wasn’t bad, it was a fantasy he enjoyed. Probably associates a lot of good with it.
Until he recognizes the damage, the horrible choice, finds disgust with his actions he isn’t a partner you can R with.
While he starts to heal you need to do the same, continue with your IC, I would hold off on MC and get some time in for you both with individual therapists.
Your anger is valid, you have the right to discuss it, let him know your pain and try to work through it with him. Until he gets to a clear place he won’t be able to truly recognize your need for info, your triggers, fears ….so doing that now will end up hurting you more.
I am not saying he is deserving of not answering your questions, you deserve whatever you need in order to heal the marriage. He isn’t capable of that right yet.
I suggest you put R away for right now and live today. Get stronger emotionally, detach from him (I don’t think the 180 would hurt you) and put changes in place so that down the road no matter what happens with your life you will be ok.
There is no telling if his fog will lift, if he will truly be remorseful when/if it does.
So rather than wait on him to decide the direction of your life start healing you. You will get to a point in this journey when you will come to a crossroad. Depending on your WS’s actions and state of mind and your healthier place the decision to R or S/D won’t be a decision it will be a given. A direction taken without the fear and desperation we all feel so soon after dday.
Be good to you.
ETA: Of course, this is my opinion...take what works and toss the rest
[This message edited by karmahappens at 8:33 AM, February 27th (Thursday)]