SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

How can a husband watch someone be a fake friend to their wife? In my situation the OW was my friend. She was in the middle of a D, and I was trying to be there for her. So, how can my husband sit there at church and know he is having sex with the OW, and watch as the OW treats the wife sweetly to her face, and then later that evening talks about how they will get custody of the kids when the MM divorces her friend? We would take her out as the 3 rd wheel on our dates, so she would have someone to hang out with, and come to find out....I was the 3 rd wheel.

I have tried to imagine it. I can't imagine having an A and all 3 of us hanging out together. I can't imagine wanting to be with one of my wh's friends and watch him get destroyed in front of my very eyes. And who wants to be with an OW who can be so mean? Who is so two-faced? This is the type of person you want to raise your kids?

More hurtful is that she was in the delivery room while I was giving birth. I thought she was my good friend. But how can HE have allowed that to happen? I just hope he gets the most awful form of cancer. I am going to find some hot boyfriend, and parade him around his cancer death bed. I'm going to leave him sitting in his own poopy diapers, and leave him puking alone from the cancer meds, while I'm out having wild orgasms with my new love. Oh karma, please work with me.

Ouch. I think part of the thrill of an A is the sharing of secrets. I would guess they both got a thrill from all of this. That sucks, I know. I doubt they'll admit it to you because it's a really shitty thing to admit. They'll say the just 'didn't think about it', but I don't buy that.

I'm so sorry. The delivery room is beyond cold. I understand you believed her to be your friend, but did you ask her to be there, or did she ask? I'm just curious how she ended up there. NOT JUDGING. I'm just wondering, because if she asked, or somehow hinted at wanting to be there until you offered, I think that would prove there was a sick thrill to it.

My H was unbelievably cold. The things he said about me basically made me a monster, physically and personally. There were so many lies. He said these things to make OW laugh. I was a big running joke to them.

Sounds like your wh is a real sick individual. Im really amazed at the lengths which waywards go to justify their affairs. He was likely thinking you were okay with OW because you were friends...pretty twisted. For the longest time i didnt realize my ex ww was OM shopping while we were going out, but in retrospect wenalways went to places where there were men she was interested in, rockers, bars, union halls...so like most people, she affaired down, went for a dumb shit maintenance man from work. Your anger is appropriate now, but in a decent time frame you cant be angry anymore. You dont have to like or stay married to wh but it is best if you feel nothing toward him otherwise that anger will turn to bitterness and his actions will define you. For now, have fun with the anger. Laughing helps. Laughing at him, about the situation, how bad her hair is, what a sick mess they are. Ive always said i have paid a heavy price to keep my ethics intact, and im not going to change that now. Dont let his selfish piggish behavior define your world.

That delivery room thing would have me spinning...geez. my ws was the biggest asshole ever. I was around ow as our kids played the same sport. We were all on the board and sat together during monthly meetings. The whole time they were going behind my back but I never liked ow, never trusted het and in fact warned ws about her but to no avail. Prob the worse thing he ever said was that I disgusted him and the hatred on his face when he said it will forever be burned in my brain. I knew he meant it and it came out of nowhere.

Thanks ya'll, you make me feel less crazy.

I asked her to be in the delivery room because I wanted my two older dds to be there. The OW was there incase they needed to leave if they got scared or something.

So, my WH says, " you asked her to be there!" Well yes, dummy, but I didn't have all the facts. YOU DID! Am I wrong for feeling that he should've protected me? He should've told her to make up an excuse, be sick. Or HE could've made up an excuse.

They left to go get coffee together while I was in labor. It's atrocious! Then while I was still in the hospital recovering, he went to her house with our kids and played football, and air hockey and had a great time. How can someone do that?

I just couldn't do that. But I'm trying to gain some backbones so if he gets cancer, I can play it all out like I've planned. < evil grin>

Yeah. My ex did this. His OW was my friend who was in my house daily and most evenings because she needed to escape from her partner. She was the one I confided in about the ex and our battle to have a child in our lives. I cried on her shoulder and she convinced me his shortness and upsetting behaviour was all due to depression about him being unable to father a child with me. Actually, it's because he was screwing her and trying to convince himself that I deserved it. This went on for a long time and I was gas lighted and made to feel like a fool whenever I got suspicious. Which of course I did, the woman never left my house. Even if I wasn't there. When I found out I wanted them both to burn alive. Now, 18 months after the last time I laid eyes on him and 30 months after dday I can honestly say that I don't care. I just don't care what happens to OW, if she managed to R with her H then good on her, she must have found a soul somewhere in that black heart of hers and actually owned her shit. If not, and she's ruined her marriage it is no less than she deserves. And as for my ex, if he is as alone and miserable as he insisted he would be without me, well.......sucks to be him. I don't care. And at some point, neither will you. I promise you that.

Extremely cold-hearted. Outright mean and cruel. I was demonized and vilified.

She was like that for no other reason than to give herself mental justification for her extreme selfishness, low self-worth, and destroying her children's family and foundation.

They have to do that. They MUST see you as someone so horrible as to be deserving of this cruelty.

Always keep in mind that what they did had NOTHING to do with you. You just happened to be there. It had nothing to do with your marriage. You just happened to be married to this person.

They KNEW they were doing something to you that they would NEVER want anyone else to ever do to them.

I know the anger it breeds. The incredulousness, the disbelief that you were/are MARRIED to this person. The one who solemnly vowed to PROTECT you turns out to be the one who betrays you like no one else can.

Again, it has nothing to do with you. Other than them using your trust as means to get away with what they are doing. Their behavior was not caused by you nor did your marriage cause it. They simply found the opportunity to do it and did it. It would have happened if they had married anyone else.

As intense as the anger may be, don't focus so much on his demise. Left to his own - his behavior is unsustainable. It will collapse. It is the behavior of an unhappy person no matter what face he puts on for people to see. Use the intensity of the anger to focus on YOURSELF.

As much as it is said here in SI, it is very true.

Focus on yourself - and use that angry energy as motivation to put yourself out there to do things that will help YOU and YOUR CHILDREN.

Be STRONG enough to focus that anger energy WISELY. Your children NEED to see that - because they have seen an incredible act of WEAKNESS from your wayward husband. It is up to you to be the STRONG ONE AND LIVE THAT WAY IN FRONT OF THEM. Show them this strength, as hard as it may be, and they will learn to be strong instead of submitting to the weak, pathetic behavior of your wayward husband.

I would choke a bitch who pretended to be my friend while banging my husband under my nose... You ladies have some serious self control.

That cold heartedness is part of the fog.

It was with my best friend, a person I loved. And of course, I loved my wife. We did a lot together, with his wife, such pals! I shared every secret and joy with "my brother." Meantime,he is you know whating my wife for two years -and it is fine with her- and she is getting good sex three times at week,at home! And never an eye blink when we are together, so often. How could they? Were they monsters?

No, just monstrously selfish and ego centric. Once they started, they simply did not care. Caring was factored out.And the rationalization, I'd NEVER know. No harm done, right? Utter focus on their mission,which was the affair. Total delusion "we never stopped loving you."

I won't address how I felt at D. You know. I will only say that your nearest and dearest will betray you if that's in their character.It happens somewhere everyday.The good news,if you survive this,intact and you can and will, you can survive anything. Bes wishes to you.

Dragon,

Do you think you got to the place where you don't care because you D? I think it's harder to get to " I don't care" if you reconcile. I really don't care about the OW now. But since my WH is still here, it's hard to forget it.

Keptmy word,

Thank you! That is encouraging. My WH is also selfish and has low self worth. I DO need to focus the angry energy to help myself and the children.

Steadfast,

I didn't choke her, but I did help to ruin her life. I feel kind of bad about it all now though. I contacted her almost exH and told him what was happening, He filed for custody of their much beloved child who was only 2, and he won custody. She has been trying to get him back ever since but to no avail. Then I found out that one of her co-workers felt so bad that she was getting D, she had offered to pay for the OW and the almost Ex to attend a marriage weekend. ( obviously this woman had no idea who her co worker OW was really). So, I had to tell her. I couldn't find any paper, so I used some bright pink card stock I had laying around. I wrote a little letter telling the co-worker that she better keep a good grasp on her own husband because she was working with an OW. Because of the brightness of the paper, the OW saw it laying in the co- workers desk and read it! The OW grabbed her purse and walked out of the office and never returned.

Now, the OW has to drive 1 1/2 hours to get to work, and she has to drive another hour in the opposite direction to pick up her son. The son has bathroom issues caused from all the stress of being in the middle of this battle.

It seems like I have paid a heavy price, and the OW paid, but my WH has paid nothing. The ow wanted my whole family, and instead she lost hers. That played out well.

Dragon,

Do you think you got to the place where you don't care because you D? I think it's harder to get to " I don't care" if you reconcile. I really don't care about the OW now. But since my WH is still here, it's hard to forget it.

Keptmy word,

Thank you! That is encouraging. My WH is also selfish and has low self worth. I DO need to focus the angry energy to help myself and the children.

Steadfast,

I didn't choke her, but I did help to ruin her life. I feel kind of bad about it all now though. I contacted her almost exH and told him what was happening, He filed for custody of their much beloved child who was only 2, and he won custody. She has been trying to get him back ever since but to no avail. Then I found out that one of her co-workers felt so bad that she was getting D, she had offered to pay for the OW and the almost Ex to attend a marriage weekend. ( obviously this woman had no idea who her co worker OW was really). So, I had to tell her. I couldn't find any paper, so I used some bright pink card stock I had laying around. I wrote a little letter telling the co-worker that she better keep a good grasp on her own husband because she was working with an OW. Because of the brightness of the paper, the OW saw it laying in the co- workers desk and read it! The OW grabbed her purse and walked out of the office and never returned.

Now, the OW has to drive 1 1/2 hours to get to work, and she has to drive another hour in the opposite direction to pick up her son. The son has bathroom issues caused from all the stress of being in the middle of this battle.

It seems like I have paid a heavy price, and the OW paid, but my WH has paid nothing. The ow wanted my whole family, and instead she lost hers. That played out well.

Dragon,

Do you think you got to the place where you don't care because you D? I think it's harder to get to " I don't care" if you reconcile. I really don't care about the OW now. But since my WH is still here, it's hard to forget it.

Keptmy word,

Thank you! That is encouraging. My WH is also selfish and has low self worth. I DO need to focus the angry energy to help myself and the children.

Steadfast,

I didn't choke her, but I did help to ruin her life. I feel kind of bad about it all now though. I contacted her almost exH and told him what was happening, He filed for custody of their much beloved child who was only 2, and he won custody. She has been trying to get him back ever since but to no avail. Then I found out that one of her co-workers felt so bad that she was getting D, she had offered to pay for the OW and the almost Ex to attend a marriage weekend. ( obviously this woman had no idea who her co worker OW was really). So, I had to tell her. I couldn't find any paper, so I used some bright pink card stock I had laying around. I wrote a little letter telling the co-worker that she better keep a good grasp on her own husband because she was working with an OW. Because of the brightness of the paper, the OW saw it laying in the co- workers desk and read it! The OW grabbed her purse and walked out of the office and never returned.

Now, the OW has to drive 1 1/2 hours to get to work, and she has to drive another hour in the opposite direction to pick up her son. The son has bathroom issues caused from all the stress of being in the middle of this battle.

It seems like I have paid a heavy price, and the OW paid, but my WH has paid nothing. The ow wanted my whole family, and instead she lost hers. That played out well.

As cold as a reptile...

The OW on DDay was my friend too. Our daughters were best friends and had been for 8 years. The ow had a bad marriage and I tried to be a good friend. I was there to support her during her divorce. She too would hang out with STBXWH and I. We would even take all of our kids and go on trips together. On the last trip we took I mentioned to my husband how uncomfortable I was feeling about her and how I felt like a "third wheel" when she was with us. He told me I was being silly. We'll, not so much!

It hurts so bad still. I mean real physical pain I feel in my chest. Sometimes I wish I could just crawl under a rock and never come out. This Double Betrayal is a special sort of hell.

But I have discovered more OW since DDay. STBXWH still denies everything. He blames everything on me. He and his family betray me as the antichrist.

I guess at least he doesn't publicly have any ow out in front of me. I know it's coming. I'm trying to imagine it so I can be ready for it. But I honestly don't know what I will do. It is going to hurt.

Yes he should have prevented her from going into the delivery room, most definitely. Your right, he had the facts and he should have hard the decency to have your back. This part of your story really bothers me, its so intrusive a nd violating.

I think I'm extra sensitive to it because my ws didn't abide by my requests when I gave birth. He let his mom in after I I told him it was just he and I. I've never gotten over it and its been 26 years so I can only imagine an ow being allowed in..omg I want to kick her ass for you. How dare her and him for allowing it.

[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 2:01 AM, March 2nd (Sunday)]

Dont let his selfish piggish behavior define your world

^^^^ this

Let's face it WS are not rational or thinking about other people. If they were would they be in an A.

enough said.