SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It had been a while since I have been on to post. Between work, the three little ones, and home schooling the oldest I barely have time to think it seems. I finally filed for divorce since it was "too complicated" for the coward. I have had a good number of moments where I feel peace about it all. Then there are the days where I just want to scream. I don't want this. I know I am better off with out him. I know my life is better and the happiness I have is true happiness where his is fake. But I still don't want it. I honestly don't know if he even wants it really. It seems sometimes that he only is trying to safe face and not have to admit that his relationship with OW is never going anywhere. I just wish I could feel closure. I wish I knew what I was doing wrong with the 180 because I keep slipping back into caring too much. I want to move on with my life and I have made great progress according to my therapist. I am just getting really tired of this pain. I am so tired of being lonely.

(((Rabecca)))), you have been heard. I understand that lonely feeling and it sucks!

{{{Rabecca}}}

I hope you feel better soon...

You filed for divorce for a *reason*.....and now you just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. For our own reasons, neither stbx or I *wanted* a divorce.....but based on the reality of our situation, it is what HAS/had to happen.

Just continue on and you will eventually get through *this* and be able to move on.

It's really a mixed blessing when people tell us we're "doing so well" but inside we just want to be DONE with it all. Personally, I'm just tired of crying. It irritates my eyes and leaves my nose all stuffy.

Hang in there. It WILL get better.

((Rabecca))

D is a means to an end. And when an ending happens an opportunity arises. What your feeling is residual bullshit from your M. Its typical and very common. Everyone of us has been there and while things seem bleak right now your actually very close to the end of this part of the journey. The world is going to open up for you very soon. And its up to you to decide on how your future will be. Its a very liberating feeling once its over because you and only you get to choose your destiny. By then your STBXH will be nothing be a comical and pitiful memory. Just dig deep for the strength to make the final push. Its there because we all have those reserves buried deep inside of us for these situations. Once you get through this you can sit back, pop some corn and enjoy watching the show that's gonna be your STBXH life. That's when the validation and vindication begins.

Rabecca,

I'm sorry you are going through such pain. Like you, my therapist is amazed at my progress. Yet, like you, I am grieving the loss of so much that accompanies divorce: my hopes, dreams, security, safety. The loss of my marriage and family is like a dull ache I carry around with me that frequently still flares into despair and loneliness.

But like Stronger said, we had no choice. It had to happen. The choice was his throughout (and hers in my case). My STBX "never wanted a divorce." Neither did I. But she never tried. So it was with heavy heart that I filed, and with heavy heart that I am pushing through to the end.

Rabecca, as it's been said so many times on this site, these people are broken. Something is deeply wrong with them. And they are just bad, bad people whom we will be so much better off without. But for now I know it is brutally difficult--especially with young children, as I have too.

I won't say "you are so young still" because I know that if I were your age instead of mine, the pain would still feel the same. But there is life waiting for us. Just keep going, know that all your loneliness, all your exhaustion are so normal and expected, as this is how good loving people experience this.

Keep going and stay strong.

Thank you all for the kind words and support. It helps to have so many people that can truly understand.

My brother (who has been through this) told me, on the day I filed and cried for an hour:

Your heart knows its right or you wouldn't have had the courage to do it, just give your brain time to catch up and believe it.

I repeat it in my head as necessary.

I can relate. I initiated my now ex to move out because of excessive drinking and fighting with our 10 year old having to endure. I also filed for divorce a few months later because after he moved out and during our marriage counseling sessions, he took up with his brother's wifes sister. Way too close to home. My daughter adored her and called her an aunt, now daddy is with her?? Anyway, I know I am better without him, the drinking, the fighting, but I sometimes miss him too and think about good times, though I think the bad out weigh the good. So many mixed feelings. Anger, betrayal, hurt, longing, jealousy everything. I hope we can both get through this!!