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This wayward made chocolate chip cookies for his boys today. Let me tell you why this is important to my healing.

I’m not with my boys or BS on Friday (we’re separated) as I’m only allowed back to the house on Sat morning. So Fridays I spend alone and this has become a time when I engage in new behaviors. That primarily has taken the form of doing the week’s grocery shopping for my house (never did this before) and meeting with my priest. But today, I decided to bake cookies so I have them ready for the weekend.

Cooking in general has become pure magic for me across so many levels. Previous to Dday I had never done it before and now I regularly get to experience the pleasure of cooking. It calms my thoughts, produces positive results (mostly) and from my three hungry boys I get immediate feedback – what they like, what they don’t. So it helps me and it’s become one more way for me to bond with my kids.

Now allow me to expand. I made chocolate chip cookies for the first time in my life a few weeks ago at home and realized we don’t have a mixer. Mixing cookie dough was a real pain to do manually but I got through it. That got me noticing that my landlady (I rent a room) has the ‘Cadillac’ of mixers in her kitchen. How do I know it’s a good model you ask? Because my wife has been talking about mixers since we got married. We actually received an incredible one as a wedding present so many years ago, but in a move a few years back it didn't arrive at the new home and she’s just muddled through without. Now this was another “ah-ha” moment for me because I don’t think I ever once really listened to my wife about mixers (or dozens of other things) BUT when one focuses their thoughts all sorts of things start to come to the surface.

So all of a sudden my Friday cookies even allowed me to virtually bond a bit with my wife (which is much better than just missing her from afar like I do all the other Friday nights).

Here’s to new behaviors, new insights and I hope your Friday has some chocolate chips in it as well!

Hmmm... did you make enough cookies to share with everyone? We're waiting ....

prayingforhope -- I have been following your posts and know your wife wants some time away from you, but since you will be in the house tomorrow with your kids, how would she react if she returned and found the Cadillac of mixers left for her on the counter along with a plate of cookies?

It's heartening to hear how your relationship to people is changing through cooking. Especially as it was something of a desert in your mental landscape pre-affair. I had a similar experience with growing plants. I sucked at it my whole life. Everything always died. Post D-day with a lot more time on my hands I discovered container gardening. I started a plant journal, took notes about what I was planting, how it progressed and any insights I had about plant growth or personal growth.

The plants have enriched my life in many ways. At first I was interested in them just because it was distracting to tackle something new and because I chose plants that would make something we could eat. Eventually, though, by focusing on their progress I began to get, in an organic way, how my choices influence their health and their ability to give back. Neglecting them has dire, pretty immediate consequences. Caring for them has wonderful, immediate and longer-term payoffs. And they don't judge. They just gave back as much as I put in. That organic sense of my choices having real, life-influencing effects on the people has been an important part of my new mental foundation.

It's amazing how something as "ordinary" as cooking or gardening, when done mindfully, can spur personal growth.

Good for you. Stay the course.

Encouragement from this fellow EvolvingSoul

I agree with undertherug! That was my first thought upon reading your post as well. If it's something that she has always valued, and you have traditional not noticed... It would be pretty cool.

I agree with undertherug, that would be a lovely gesture.

And next time, make some cookies for us too

Hi guys, you have no idea how wonderful it would be if I was allowed to buy my wife ANYTHING. A mixer, a flower, a greeting card, whatever.

Unfortunately, all of those things - gifts of any kind - are an explicit boundary she has of our separation.

This is just one more consequence of what I have done. I used to take such amazing care in buying her gifts, the perfect gifts. I would think about them for months at a time, share ideas with friends that know her well and then finally commit. I rarely missed the mark and took such pride in this aspect of our marriage.

Well guess what? She has told me many times that every gift I ever gave her were just part of my lies. Everything I was doing post Dday was "too little too late" and just "more manipulation from me", etc. etc. you get the idea.

I have read enough posts from other BS to know this is common, so for the good of what we have left in our relationship (admittedly not much), I can't break this boundary.

Some day, if I ever get a chance at R, there will be plenty of time to buy her all the mixers in the world. It would be my greatest pleasure.