SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

If you have been reading my posts this last year, you know that I tried to take my life after D-day (on a Friday – January 25). It was the most selfish, heinous, disrespectful, hurtful, and painful thing that I have ever done (A being #2). I lost my shit the day that my AP’s wife texted me to tell me that she knew everything (Friday). I had found out Wednesday night that she knew there was something going on with me and my AP. Thursday I told my BH that sex only happened one time. My BH was devastated (rightly so). I remember on Thursday night shaking so hard. My BH told me that I couldn’t hurt myself which I promised that I wouldn’t. Then Friday morning I snapped. After I got that text, I felt in my heart that BH couldn’t ever love me again and that I was such a horrible person. I was so upset about how I hurt him and I thought he would be better off without me. I wrote a note, bought razors and sleeping pills, and came home from work early. I remember looking at my death benefits and thinking, “BH will be financially okay.” My BH came home to find me in the tub. Luckily my cuts weren’t deep enough to kill me. At the hospital when I was asked if I was still having suicidal thoughts – I said I was. They told me to check myself into the mental health ward of the hospital, which I agreed to. There I was diagnosed bipolar. I was there a week, and it actually helped me a lot. I don’t know how I would have been mentally being home that week.

The reason that I am bringing this up is sometimes I am reminded of it and I break down. Case in point, on Sunday BH and I were watching a Bar Rescue marathon on Spike TV. For those of you that have never seen it, the host goes into bars that are failing and tries to revive them. A particular episode made me break down. A brother and sister owned a bar, and one of the reasons it was failing was that they no longer utilized their kitchen. The host, Jon Taffer, was asking them why their kitchen was closed. They talked to him about their cousin, who they were extremely close to, who used to make wonderful pizzas in their pizza oven. He had hung himself. The owners couldn’t even bring themselves to go into the kitchen anymore. They were so traumatized by his death. I started breaking down in tears when this happened and started saying “I’m sorry” over and over again to BH. He held me and we didn’t exchange any words. I started thinking about what my death would have done to so many people: my family, my friends, my colleagues, my students (current and former), my cats, and anyone whose life I touched. It is extremely hard to think about it, but I can’t help it. I hope that one day it won’t be so painful.

(((((pizzalover)))))

I know what it's like to let go. Very peaceful. I was at peace when I decided to commit suicide. The only thing that stopped me was the week that I was going to do it a classmate of mine beat me to it and she hung herself. I saw the fallout. So I picked my baggage back up and returned to the world of pain. A few years later my brother committed suicide due to his pain.

Things are only getting better pizzalover. I haven't read all of your threads but I have read more of the recent one's. You are making yourself a better person and you are moving forward. I applaud you for it.

If you ever want to talk to me about it offline, don't hesitate to send me a pm. I'm an open book with all this stuff at this point in my life.

(((((pizzalover)))))

I have no advice. Just wanted to let you know that you've been heard.

((((pizzalover))))

Please don't beat yourself up. My therapist really helped me see all the judgements we pass about suicide come out of pain and our own selfishness. It comes from how a healthy mind views it not the dark place it really is. Suicide should not be dealt with by shaming someone in to being alive. In fact that causes more deaths than saves people. There is a lot of good resources about it online.

I tried to kill myself but failed. I hated myself even more but my therapist really helped me deal with guilt over it and understand it isn't always a selfish cowardly act. But what I needed to do was get my will to live back for me. And not let self loathing build.

I am sorry.

(((Pizzalover)))

(((((pizzalover)))))

(((pizzalover))) I have had two failed suicide attempts and I am also bipolar. The first was when i had uncontrolled PND. I didn't make the attempt that time I went to the hospital and was put on a psych ward. This last time was when I found out about H's affair. That was a serious attempt and the anniversary of it is next week. The depression with bipolar is horrible to deal with and the suicidal urges are a big part of it. I wish I had some advice but I just wanted to say I understand.

(((pizzalover))) I am so sorry that you are going through this, no advice, I just wanted to let you know you are heard and I can relate.