SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello friends,

I've been subscribed for about a month now, I've been mulling over how to write this, how much I want to disclose and in what depth. Here goes.

September 2013:

My phone is dead, her brother had come to our house and was causing problems (he's been in and out of jail for over half his life) so I was planning on calling 911 and have him removed. Upon opening her phone I discover a cryptic message from some man that I don't know. It states "Thank you, I owe you one." I inquire about the message, she said she is unsure who or what that was. I've been suspicious of her activities on her cellphone and her facebook for a while now (She didn't give me her facebook name and wouldn't let me be friends with her on it)

While she is cooking dinner that night I decide to grab her phone and access it via USB on my computer. Low and behold I find a swarm of naked pictures of her, mind you she never had sent me a single naked picture, or any pictures of her for that matter during our entire relationship. I keep my mouth shut, she has cheated a few times before and I always came out too soon and she would destroy the evidence. I access her computer via the network and find 14,000+ pictures on her computer along with over 100 videos of 5-20 minutes in length. In these pictures she was doing things that were unimaginable to me, we had a great sex life (or so I thought) apparently she was into the darker side of things, choking, puking, bodily fluids, etc.

I am enraged at this point and shut down access to everything on the network, forgetting that she could use her phone to delete her accounts.

She comes "clean" stating she has been with over 40 people via the internet, using Facebook, Instagram and other online social media. a few of these were close friends, others were outright strangers that she had been in contact with for up to 4 years.

5 years ago she cheated on me with my best friend at the time in our own home. we had some drinks and were playing rockband, I went to sleep and assumed they would behave, she ended up engaging in sex on our couch in the next room.

I have given up on having friends since then, we had mutual friends in the past that I hadn't talked to since that incident and she was also talking to them including her ex boyfriend who she left 14 years ago to be with me.

It's been a while now and I can't get past it, I try but I just can't. I'm now drinking daily, I've begun to use oxycontin on a daily basis also just to numb myself. I can't sleep unless I drink, I can't look at her in the eyes, I don't know what to do.

Exodus (Tom)

I am so sorry that you are here. I can feel your pain in what you have written.

You have come to a good place. The people here have lots of knowledge and experience. Please check out The Healing Library. I refer to it often.

Please take care of yourself. Do you have a history of substance use? Is there a doctor you can talk with? Talking will help.

I have always had a few beers on the weekend, say Friday or Saturday night. A few I mean a six pack, never more. Now I drink nightly. A 12 pack plus 2 airplane bottles of Jagermeister.

I worry if I go to a doctor my job will find out and that might affect my employment.

Hey, Exodus, I'm so sorry you had to find us, but rest assured we're here for you.

I'm sorry you found all of those disgusting things. That must have been horrible for you.

We always tell people to take care of themselves- eat, drink plenty of water, try to sleep, etc.- and I must say that your drinking and use of Oxycontin is very concerning. You know that can kill you, right? Here's how that works: The alcohol and the Oxy are both depressants, so they both slow down your breathing. Sometimes, peoples bodies just 'forget' to breathe and they die. I want you to know that I'm not judging you, I'm just really concerned that you could die from that. If you've ever known anyone to go on a Morphine drip as an end-of-life measure, it works the same way. Can you see a Dr. and see if there is something more medically appropriate to help you through this horrific time?

As for your W, what you have described is on the extreme end of this type of behavior. Does she show any sign of wanting to fix herself?

Again, I'm sorry you have to be here, but we've got you, OK?

Regrets exodus. Glad you found this place. Sorry you needed to.

Why is it that you stay?

Exodus,

So sorry you are feeling such pain. I get it, and am not quite in a place to help. Please hang in there for people who can give you the best advise. This is a good place for you, just wait for the right people to come along and help. I feel for you. It's a horrible pain. Take deep breaths and hold on for some help. I wish I could help, too. But they will come.

I am aware of the threat that the oxy/drinking can have. I do the oxy in the morning when I wake up to get through the day and then drink at night after (hopefully) it has left my system.

She has talked to me about it some, the problem is that it was here, in our house. The pictures were with things I bought her, things she never wore for me or used for me. She expresses remorse occasionally. Mostly she states she wasn't happy in our marriage, she shifts the blame more often than not. She states that I should have stopped her or talked to her more often over the past 4 years.

I tried. She was too busy talking to them via Skype (with her headset) or staring down into her phone to even acknowledge me.

Generally when I try to talk to her about it, all I get is resistance, an argument that I just instantly back away from, I go off to the bathroom and down a bottle. That way when I come back she's already back talking to people online and leaves me alone.

Merlin:

We have a 12 year old daughter that I cherish with all my being. I don't want her to have to deal with us being split and have to live with her mother. I can only imagine how she (my daughter) would turn out if she was left to my wife's devices.

Mhiimg65:

Thank you, this seems like a genuinely wonderful place to discuss the horrible.

She states that I should have stopped her or talked to her more often over the past 4 years.

That's ridiculous! How are you supposed to stop something she's hiding from you? If you don't take away anything else from our discussions tonight, please understand this: There is NOTHING you did or did not do that caused her to do this. This is 100% on her. She could have talked to you, asked for a divorce, anything, but she CHOSE to cheat.

I understand your reasoning with the Oxy and alcohol. You know, you can reach a point with that stuff and there's no turning back. It's highly addictive, which means it hits fast and leaves fast, so it MAY be out of your system by night. Consider this, though: What if your W were to decide that she'd rather divorce and live her life the way she has been, rather than working on her issues and THEN uses the drug use against you in custody negotiations?

Where has your daughter been while this stuff was going on? Has she been exposed to any of your W's activities?

[This message edited by ThoughtIKnewYa at 10:06 PM, April 14th (Monday)]

Apparently I should have known she was doing what she did. I did know, I just was in denial, again when I tried to talk to her it was brushed under the table and covered up with lies.

I am probably on the verge of addiction by now, I'm not entirely sure.

As for my daughter, she has been neglected and yelled at by my wife for interrupting her "time" with her/my friends. My wife is very selfish (as you can see)

I realize that the oxy is bad. It's just the only way I can cope with things right now. The first 2 months after discovery were wonderful. Our sex life came back (previously we were having sex once a month as she was doing it on webcam/video for her webfriends/my friends)

We went on activities together, hiking, the park, etc with our daughter, something we have been lacking in for quite a while.

Now all she does is basically yell at me for being depressed and uses the same lines over and over again when I try to tell her why I'm feeling that way.

[This message edited by exodus at 10:14 PM, April 14th (Monday)]

I really DO understand what you're going through and I've certainly been in that dark, horrible place where I reached for anything to dull the pain. I'd like for you to give this product a try:

http://www.amazon.com/Natures-Measure-11263-Relax-Sleep/dp/B004OOYM5C

DON'T take it in the AM, though, or you'll miss the day!

As for my daughter, she has been neglected and yelled at by my wife for interrupting her "time" with her/my friends. My wife is very selfish (as you can see)

Now all she does is basically yell at me for being depressed and uses the same lines over and over again when I try to tell her why I'm feeling that way.

Are you able to see that your W is VERY abusive to both you and your daughter?

I do see that, but how can I fix it. How can she be the person I met so long ago.

I never wanted it to be this way, all I ever wanted was her.

*tears*

Ex,

What she's doing has nothing to do with you or how much you do or don't talk to her. This is her seriously out of control with no evident desire to change.

You need a counselor to clear your head rather than attempting to dull yourself with alcohol and drugs. Your daughter needs you to be present and focused as well.

Your daughter already knows far more than you think. She is already at 'your wife's devices'. So stop kidding yourself.

Maybe this is not for you, but I divorced my wife because of her behavior (including sex in our home and meeting up with OM while our (then 12-year old) daughter was with her) and the example she set for our children.

You've been trying to live like this for seven months.

How's that going for you and your daughter?

You guys are the first people I've been able to talk to about this, it's very hard for me to open up. Thank you for all of your help

(((exodus)))

You can't fix her. I know that's tough to take, but it's true.

She may have never truly been the person she portrayed to you. We see a LOT of that here. Some people fit the following profile. Can you look at her life objectively and see if she shows a pattern like the following over the course of her entire life?

Glibness and Superficial Charm

Manipulative and Conning

They never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors as permissible. They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile and domineering, seeing their victim as merely an instrument to be used. They may dominate and humiliate their victims.

Grandiose Sense of Self

Feels entitled to certain things as "their right."

Pathological Lying

Has no problem lying coolly and easily and it is almost impossible for them to be truthful on a consistent basis. Can create, and get caught up in, a complex belief about their own powers and abilities. Extremely convincing and even able to pass lie detector tests.

Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt

A deep seated rage, which is split off and repressed, is at their core. Does not see others around them as people, but only as targets and opportunities. Instead of friends, they have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and they let nothing stand in their way.

Shallow Emotions

When they show what seems to be warmth, joy, love and compassion it is more feigned than experienced and serves an ulterior motive. Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remaining unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person. Since they are not genuine, neither are their promises.

Incapacity for Love

Need for Stimulation

Living on the edge. Verbal outbursts and physical punishments are normal. Promiscuity and gambling are common.

Callousness/Lack of Empathy

Unable to empathize with the pain of their victims, having only contempt for others' feelings of distress and readily taking advantage of them.

Poor Behavioral Controls/Impulsive Nature

Rage and abuse, alternating with small expressions of love and approval produce an addictive cycle for abuser and abused, as well as creating hopelessness in the victim. Believe they are all-powerful, all-knowing, entitled to every wish, no sense of personal boundaries, no concern for their impact on others.

Early Behavior Problems/Juvenile Delinquency

Usually has a history of behavioral and academic difficulties, yet "gets by" by conning others. Problems in making and keeping friends; aberrant behaviors such as cruelty to people or animals, stealing, etc.

Irresponsibility/Unreliability

Not concerned about wrecking others' lives and dreams. Oblivious or indifferent to the devastation they cause. Does not accept blame themselves, but blames others, even for acts they obviously committed.

Promiscuous Sexual Behavior/Infidelity

Promiscuity, child sexual abuse, rape and sexual acting out of all sorts.

Lack of Realistic Life Plan/Parasitic Lifestyle

Tends to move around a lot or makes all encompassing promises for the future, poor work ethic but exploits others effectively.

Criminal or Entrepreneurial Versatility

Changes their image as needed to avoid prosecution. Changes life story readily.

--------------------------------------...

Other Related Qualities:

Contemptuous of those who seek to understand them

Does not perceive that anything is wrong with them

Authoritarian

Secretive

Paranoid

Only rarely in difficulty with the law, but seeks out situations where their tyrannical behavior will be tolerated, condoned, or admired

Conventional appearance

Goal of enslavement of their victim(s)

Exercises despotic control over every aspect of the victim's life

Has an emotional need to justify their crimes and therefore needs their victim's affirmation (respect, gratitude and love)

Ultimate goal is the creation of a willing victim

Incapable of real human attachment to another

Unable to feel remorse or guilt

Extreme narcissism and grandiose

May state readily that their goal is to rule the world

Ex,

This is horrible and difficult stuff. So stay with us and see how many good people here that have been where you are (and worse) that have endured and even overcome to be good people and good parents.

It's not simple or quick. It is possible. The proof is here.

But, for you and your daughter's sake) find a counselor tomorrow.

It's a broken home at this point.

Daughter knows I'm miserable, complains frequently about W's behavior. She used to be such a wonderful mother. Daughter and W used to be inseparable, I used to be the third wheel.

Now it's me and daughter that are out of her picture. She's in a different world than we are.

Ex,

You need to leave her world, even if you hope for reconciliation down the road.

She is living in a world that you support with your presence, work and money. She can live in that fantasy only so long as you and your daughter support it.

Please read this -

http://survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

She can lie easily. We were out on the kayak last year while she was talking to "the one who was most special to her" (her words) She told me while talking to him via text that she would never be with another man. If she left me she would be with another woman.

When confronting her later about this guy she stated they were due to meet up in the city closes to us for unprotected sex, in a seedy motel for a few hours.

She's always been able to lie and manipulate to get what she wants. She always drops hints at what she wants and then furthers those hints by suggesting repeatedly over a period of time about what she wants. Eventually I give in a provide those "wants".

Where does one even go to find a counselor, google I suppose?