FHW and his XW do not get along nor parent their 11 & 13 boys together. They do have shared joint physical and legal custody, she has primary. They split their time equally between the two houses. FWH and I have been together over 4 years now and they spend more time with us each year. I have sole custody of my 14DS.
My FWH and I are strict in our parenting and set reasonable behavioral expectations. XW is not and in fact, there is little parenting at her house. She doesn't give the 13SS his ADHD meds and thinks coffee will cure him, our 11SS is often out of zoloft at her house. She doesn't really think they need this medicine, etc. This leads to all kinds of disagreements and issues with the kids. My 11SS uses this to his advantage and really wreaks havoc at our house.
Recently XW went through a second bad breakup and moved in a roommate with a 3 yo son. She also refuses to accept a counselor for our 11SS that 13SS uses and says she’ll find one of her own. He hasn’t been to a counselor in 6 months. 11SS has regressed in his behaviors and attitudes over the past few months. He acts more like a 3 yo child than an almost 12 yo. He says inappropriate things in public, makes faces, noises, and purposely goes out of his way to aggravate other people. When at home he’s openly defiant and argumentative. He refuses to do things and generally makes life a living hell. Our trip this past weekend sealed the deal for me; I won’t be his sole caretaker any longer at our house. If his father isn’t at our house, then he will not be at our house.
Problem is that XW and FWH rely on me a lot to take care of the kids. They both work shift work while I work 9-5 M-F and am free on weekends and nights. I am around the kids 24/7 on our weekends. If I refuse to be responsible for my SS on our weekends, my FWH won’t get them, XW will pitch a fit because she has no one to watch them and things will get worse. However, I refuse to subject myself and my 14DS to the 11SS and his horrible behavior when I have no control over it. My feeling is XW is creating this problem allowing 11SS to act this way towards us.
FWH wants treatment for 11SS, but XW is putting her foot down and even though FWH has resisted upsetting her at this point, I’ve told him clearly, if this continues, we cannot live together because I won’t subject myself or my 14 DS to 11SS. FWH takes this as a threat of divorce and an ultimatum between his wife and his child. Not my intention at all but I don’t feel like I should have to live with this child with untreated psychological issues that I have no legal authority over, and neither should my 14DS.
FWH thinks I’m being unfair because he’s tried hard, he works on appointments and therapy with 13SS, he does everything he can with 11SS but 11SS prefers mom and hates dad. He says he can’t be held responsible for his XW. He says I’m threatening to divorce him over something he has no control over. I just see it as me protecting what I do have control over, myself and my 14DS.
What do you think? Has anyone else faced issues with their former spouses ex and left? Am I being ridiculous?
D-Day#1 - Dec. 8, 2011 - found the receipt
D-Day#2 - Dec. 28, 2011 - found the phone logs
D-Day#3 - Jan. 6, 2012 - admitted to PA
3 amazing sons - 13DS, 13SS, 11SS
in R