SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It may seem ironic but I find myself disgusted at cheaters and this includes myself. A friend is going through a divorce because her husband is cheating. Hearing her talk about him I'm just disgusted. Because he's so predictable. It's so obvious what he's going to say and do next. He's pretty much a huge jerk. I have no tolerance for it. I wish he would pull his head out of his ass and see that he has a beautiful wife and children. It makes me grateful that I'm not at that point anymore. And it makes me grateful for my BH for putting up with me and what a jerk I was to him. Seeing someone go through what I was putting my family through is heart wrenching. I pray I never end up that foggy again. Foggy waywards are the most delusional people

I know what you mean. BUT, I put myself back in their shoes. It wasn't very long ago that I was them. Ya know? I made the same bs excuses. The same stupid choices. The ignorant justifications. And I remember while all of it was going down, how utterly worthless I felt. I hated me. Hated who and what I was.

We get newbie waywards here (or I see one IRL) and they kick and scream and yell and blame us for being self-righteous jerks. And my heart hurts for them. Cause I *know* they are miserable. And if they would just slow down for a second and breathe, if they would stop and think for just a minute, their lives may change for the better.

Some people stay foggy for life. Sad fact. Those people are hard to have empathy/sympathy/whatever for. You do want to throw a brick at their head. I dunno. I try to be optimistic most times. I mean, if I can finally wake up after all these years, surely they can. Kwim?

I do think that I have more compassion on waywards and hope for them because of my experiences. I also am more supportive of the betrayed who is trying to understand what just happened to their life. When my friend first told me about her husband's affair six months ago I didn't tell her to ditch the guy and run. I told her I understand and support her if she is trying to work it out and that if her WH ever did figure it out I would never judge him nor her!

And it is hard to see how much we are willing to throw away. And for what? Nothing really. No other person can hold a candle to my husband

I feel disgust too. But I realise I'm projecting what I feel about myself onto them.

Like Aubrie, I struggle with unremorseful and foggy waywards. I read on the other forums here and I find it hard to empathise with the WS.

I join in your disgust for cheating behavior. If they seek redemption, however, I've come to have compassion for foggy waywards, even ones who send me nasty "fuck you and your self-righteous attitude" PMs. And especially those who rudely reject sincere advice, because they're the ones who need it most. Not that I'm some omniscient sage, not even close, but one year ago...I *was* them, so I get it. In the past year, few WW rival the fogginess and delusion I displayed when I stumbled upon SI.

cs2384: And it makes me grateful for my BH for putting up with me and what a jerk I was to him.

Amen, sistah.

Aubrie: I mean, if I can finally wake up after all these years, surely they can.

Right on, girlfriend.

I get very upset and disgusted over cheating too. I just found out a friend of mine is possibly divorcing her wife because both of them were cheating. I also found out another friend of mine is the OW to a man in a "committed" relationship. The kicker is she thinks it's okay because she "doesn't believe in monogomy." I blew up at her and told her her AP's wife believes in it and her opinion is the only one that matters, and my friend needed to be an adult and leave her AP alone. I'm so disgusted I haven't spoken to her in weeks.

I think 20WrongsVs1 has a good point - the disgust toward the behavior is understandable but the person themselves needs compassion and understanding. I think it's possible to separate behaviors from the person - just because someone does something horrible doesn't mean they are horrible. We all have done awful things ( some more so than others, to be sure) but we all are people deserving of love. I do agree that someone who is not truly repentant or remorseful or who keeps on doing wrong over and over again (a pattern) is much harder to try to understand and after awhile, I think everyone has a boundary line that's crossed where it becomes a case of, "Nope, never again." A 2nd chance is one thing, but when you're talking 7th or 15th or 25th chances, the compassion and understanding do tend to run dry.

But I get where you're coming from too, cs2384. When others display cheating behaviors, it's deplorable, and then I realize, I did the same thing. I hurt someone I love terribly. I don't like to turn the mirror on myself.

For me, I say, who am I to judge others. It's like the pot calling the kettle black. I was there. I was the ass. I did the unthinkable. No excuses. I can't pretend to understand someone else's life, marriage or circumstances. Is it wrong? Absolutely. Am I any different? No.

I lied, I cheated, I made excuse after excuse justifying my behavior. I blamed my wife for my affair. That's disgusting.

Maybe seeing others go through it and commit the same offenses is like holding a mirror to our faces; it's a trigger that forces us to remember who we were and what we were capable of.

I'm no one to judge anyone.

I have a lot of the same feelings now. Depends on the day as to how much distasteful feelings fall back on me. I am at times grateful in a way for my strong reaction to cheating now. I have always been against cheating but I pretty much felt...."not me...not my business" it didn't really affect me much unless it was someone close to me and even then I pretty much just figured "well it happens" Well that's still true it does "happen " but now that I have cheated and faced what comes with that my perspective has really changed. I feel a lot of things when I hear of infidelity saddened, disgust, anger(probably mostly towards myself still), sympathy. So I take those feelings and remind myself to keep working, to be mindful, to maintain boundaries, to read, reflect, pray and anything else I can do to try and make damn sure it's never me again.

I see both sides of the conundrum: on the one hand, I definitely hate seeing that side of myself playing itself out again in someone else, but on the other hand I realize I was recently there myself. It's a delicate balancing act, but if we can do it, so can others. We're living proof. And we're certainly not perfect, either.

WS here.

I will admit that throughout my life, I have lied to and cheated on almost every woman I have been in a relationship with. I have always presented myself as someone who NEVER would cheat and hated people who lied and cheated.

Hypocritical? Absolutely.

I know that a lot of my judgement of other people comes from a sense of insecurity about myself. Primarily, I see behaviors in other people that are reflective of my own acts instead of changing and feeling sympathetic to the other person's hell, I think they are a piece of shit that deserves to be beaten. In fact, during my A, my AP was seeing someone and she was despondent that he was ignoring her. I, being the ass that I am, tried to convince her that he was playing her and if she only slept with me, that will show him.

I would have done anything and everything to cheat back then. I am not saying I am cured now and all is well. Things are not well, they are pretty horrible. I think for me, I hate cheaters because I am one. I am hating myself by proxy because I am too much of a coward to be honest. Make sense?

t/j:

Actionsoverwords said:

I think for me, I hate cheaters because I am one. I am hating myself by proxy because I am too much of a coward to be honest.

Do you think this is similar at all to those in the public eye who openly attack homosexuality?

why do I hate cheaters? Because I know how easy it would have been to make any other decision besides betraying my husband. It isn't rocket science. It's pure selfishness.

that's why this MH shit is so difficult for me.

Currently reading that book about Self-Compassion.

Do you think this is similar at all to those in the public eye who openly attack homosexuality?

I think there are definitely similarities. I think for a lot of us who are insecure, we attack the things that remind us of things that hit close to home.