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Today is our 22nd wedding anniversary. We're just 7 weeks since D-Day. Before going to work this morning, I left on the bed what I felt was a thoughtful anniversary card. We have theatre tickets for tonight which we bought many months ago. This is going to be an god-awful day for her, the day marking a broken marriage. How do I go about recognizing this day with appropriate sensitivity?

BS here --- My 26th anniversary was a few days ago. The scenario that would have helped the most.

A card - nothing mushy, nothing professing love or any other grand feelings as that would be a bold-faced lie. A blank card in which something was written about appreciating MY strength and integrity in all of the sh*tstorm wh threw into our lives.

A sincere verbal word telling me he was sorry for the sh*tstorm and that he would forever regret being the single most destructive force in our marriage BUT that he was now committed to being the single most building force in our lives.

You might want to check if she even wants to go to the theatre wtih you .... If the answer is, 'no'. Suck it up and let her go alone or with a girlfriend.

I'd tread carefully with the theater. My fWW and I went to an Elton John concert because we had bought the tickets before Dday. I thougth it wouldn't be a big deal when we started out but it went downhill FAST. It was miserable for both of us. Being on a date with someone you don't like (at the time) is awful.

In general we stopped planning dates in advance. The anticipation would increase my anxiety. IMO it's better to stick to impromtu dates when her mood strikes. It also shows you are spontaneous and are in tune with her mood.

And this goes without saying I hope...don't expect anything from her.

We went to the theatre a couple of weeks ago using tickets bought months in advance. It was difficult. Dinner at the restaurant beforehand was awful. She was so upset. She had to excuse herself to the restroom a couple of times. The waiter even asked if she was all right. Frankly, I don't know how she got through the evening.

With tonight's performance on our anniversary, it could be especially bad. We arranged to have our kids go with her mother for a few hours this evening. We could just cancel our plans and stay home talking. I certainly don't want to force her to go through with the theatre if it's just going to tear her up further.

Wedding anniversaries are tough. Don't presume anything. Ask what she wants, if anything. Show her you remember, but let her know that you don't expect anything from her, that you want to care for her, but that you don't want to do anything that rubs salt in her wounds.

BS here... There are so many factors that are going to go into this. I suggest you gently bring it up to your BS and let her take the lead.

So close to DDay and she's still very raw. Theater and dinner might be a bit much when you add the anniversary to it.

Best of luck.

I hope that it went somewhat well for you. I have to tell you, that the very last thing that I wanted to do on our wedding anniversary, which was 11 months after DDay, was to acknowledge it in any way. Because it was a day of brokenness and failure to me. It was our 21st. The knowledge that during our 20th, when I had knocked myself out to make some sort of celebration, then had been beaten down by a "guest" while my FWH sat next to me, out of it because he was making arrangements to meet with his f-buddy, made me wish to never acknowledge the date again.

So, if it went badly, if it was horrible, I hope you gave (and are giving) comfort and support. Pick another date maybe in about a month and surprise your BW with a date night out just for the heck of it. Pick something that she would love, no matter if it's something that you would rather not be a part of. Make it all about her, as a gift from the heart.

I don't think we've even spoken on our wedding anniversaries since d-day. They are beyond painful for me. I hope you all were able to have some sort of evening where the feelings were less raw.

To let everyone know, we survived the evening. She stayed home from work that day and cried a river until our children came home from school. Dinner went better than expected in that she kept herself together during the meal and even during some pointed questioning after the meal. The show was entertaining, but a few of the musical numbers struck a chord and she wept quietly. It was clear that she did not wish me to touch her that evening, which I found out later that she didn't want to touch because she felt she would've fallen apart.

I think we won't mark that date in the future, even if we successfully R, because that marriage is dead. We have another ritual where we visit the park where we were wed and walk among the flowers blooming there this time of year. She said today that she won't ever visit that park again.

I appreciate everyone's advice. I definitely let her take the lead, setting the tone for the evening and respecting her need for space. We slept in separate beds that night. (Surprisingly, we sleep together most nights. I wonder how common that is on here?) From the long-term survivors on here, I like the idea of picking a new date to celebrate. I hope we make it to that point.

Hi, WH here.

This was a particularly tricky one for us because ontop of breaking my vows by cheating, i also went and saw the OW on the 10 year anniversary of my BW and i getting together. I even marked the occasion with a symbolic gift (which she has of course given back to me). So the whole idea of an anniversary now makes my BW extremely sad.

Having said that, BW's approach to the wedding anniversary (about 2.5 months after dday)was to ensure i was never out of her sight, and we used the opportunity to make new memories and spend the time together.

We have been lucky in many ways in that we have been able to struggle through R with alot of closeness and intimacy. What i have found to be a consistent source of comfort for my BW is my actions showing an irrevocable desire to be with her, and support her through all of her most intense pain. To hold her hand and be prepared to face her wrath, or her despair no matter the occasion or the plans. We got lucky with the anniversary but i dont expect the same when the 11 yr anniversary of our meeting rolls around. That will be much harder i think. And my plan is to be there by her side ready to take whatever comes at me.

I dont know if that will help at all, its just been my experience i guess.

With regards to the anniversary marking a day of a 'broken marriage' - that was a very poignant thing for me to read and i just want to say thanks for the fresh perspective. I keep looking back on it as a day when i was at my most honest and true when it comes to how i feel about my wife - and hoping that one day she will be able to look back on it and smile again as it was such a beautiful day. But you're right, it does now mark a marriage that is broken and is therefore a reminder of pain and devastation as much as it is of a great day in our history. Its no wonder BW cant look back on it with any affection anymore.

that guynomore,

i am glad you survived. it was clearly a tough day for your bs. I would let her control the celebrations in the future of birthdays, anniversaries, etc. I would ask her in advance what she wants that day. IF next year, she says I don't want to celebrate our 23rd anniversary, that marriage is dead, fine, but let her tell you what she wants. Maybe she wants to have you close, maybe far, let her tell you. and if she asks you to plan something, try to fulfill her wishes.

also, it may help you in the future to rehearse or at least discuss how she wants you to react if she is triggered- in public or private. That way, you have a script, a place to start when a trigger (like at the theater the other night) hits.

Good luck.