(((manybrokenpieces)))
My destructive choices have humbled me. I posted on this topic because of the realization of the pain I invited into my M by using porn. I don't know your pain revolving around this particular sin, but my wife does. I have seen some of the pain expressed from my wife, so I have seen the pain....just have not felt it. So it is with much heart ache that I read most posts associated with porn.
This is my true fear: nothing has changed.
This is a fear of all of us on this site....that we will experience this painful trial and not much will change. It is a valid fear.
Specifically with your husbands use of porn....he, too, is most likely concerned about this happening too. Sin is bondage. When you recognize your own sin you feel enslaved by it. As you gain this healthy view you desire to be free from it. Once you are free from it you will have some fear it will return....that you will weaken and choose it again. This is a BS's worst nightmare....to have another DD after R has started.....to have a spouse chose actions that lead to another A or A-like actions. Your husband made some recent choices that liken back to his pre-A state that led him to his A. I totally get why this would be unnerving and alarming to you. Am glad he was open to examine this too! It shows he is really desiring to change. That's a good first step.
My first 4 weeks of being porn free were scary......temptations were great.....I worried and feared all kinds of things. None of those fears materialized.
Then something changed inside me around week 6-7 of being porn free. Its like coming out of a fog of my own.....I felt strange. Peaceful. Clear sited.
Then something dreadful happened that I had not fully expected. I saw my actions in the light of truth....and it was ugly.
Then, through fellowship with others and therapy....I made another shocking discovery. My use of porn was not "just sex", it was an escape I reached for when I felt isolated.
You mentioned for your husband he uses it as just a stress relief.
It temporarily cured my isolation feelings, it temporarily cures your husbands stressful feelings (which, by the way, is my go-to accountability partners temptation trigger point too).
Regardless of why or when I used porn, or your husband used porn, it is still unhealthy.
I will feel isolated in my life. Your husband will feel stress in his life. A healthy person knows how to choose healthy choices when this happens. I am learning to do this just this....and it is getting easier. I pray your husband finds his way to this truth.
Everymans Battle book was a key to starting my journey away from porn. There is a work book and weekend intensive course if he is so inclined.....but the book was really the turning point.
Undefiled was another solid resource that pretty much hits home that, regardless of your past experiences....it is still your responsibility to find your way away from sexual sins.
It is a good sign that he knows his trigger point...that it is stress. Now he will be better equipped to prepare for the inevitable entry into that common aspect of life. He can see it coming and should have plans in place to reduce the temptation to use porn and increase his desire to back fill that void with something healthy.
That's for him to find out what that is....therapy and reading helped me find ways to do just that. Left to my own accord, I doubt I could have found my way out from the darkness.....I am ignorant and weak. I am gaining wisdom and strength through fellowship....reaching out.
Do I think your husband has potential? Don't know him. But, I used porn for 30 years. My wife knew about it (mostly, but not all the time)...I invited it into our marital bedroom. I am 14 months porn free today.
3 years ago I would have argued the point that porn was okay, healthy maybe even. I chose to stop using porn when intimacy with my wife was at an all time low and I was as isolated feeling as I was at age 12 when my parents D and Dad disappeared from my life.
I ramped up my porn use after DD....for 2 weeks it seemed to help. Then.....it just fell flat. Like I had crashed hard after a wild weekend. I looked at myself and thought.....what the hell are you doing???? This is who you are? This is really who you want to be??????? I looked at my relationship with God and saw it hurting too....not because of Him, but because of my own choices.
So I stopped when no one in this world cared or bothered to even really notice when I quit. (quitting was a singular choice but, like many other choices written about on SI, it was just the start of a process....and it continues today)
If a man like myself can do it.....surely your husband has potential to learn better and then choose to do better...right?
I am pleased you appreciate my boundary. It was one of a very few I have had since being married. I believe it was the only thing keeping me from choosing an A before my wife.
Boundaries In Marriage by Henry Cloud is a must-read for all. It shows how boundaries actually free you, allow your relationships to grow exponentially in healthy ways. I am working on other boundaries now.
I would love to report that I chose to stop porn for my wife....a gesture of honoring and cherishing her. I did not. At the point in time I stopped my wife probably cared as little for me as she ever has in her life. And I had serious rage towards her, was so hurt by her actions....daily, hourly crying was a part of my life then.
I don't believe in coincidences. We are all where we are for a reason. I am not saying we deserve what we have or that we deserve better....I am fully realizing that my broken M was not just a result of my wifes affair.
Our M was broken before her A. It was broken not because of porn either. Something inside each of us limited our M.....got us to where we are at. Our broken M was a fruit of what we individually chose.....and the pattern of choosing as we did was well established before we married.
What we are trying to learn is how to do M in healthy, interdependent ways.
22 months out now. We still struggle. The pain on both sides is tremendous.
Fear is still present.
Fear is a feeling.
Feelings are indicators, not dictators. Destructive things happen when we put feelings in control of our lives.
Your husband will feel stress, he may worry about how he will provide for his family. The healthy thing is to NOT hide this fear from his wife, nor is it to use porn to take the edge off that fear (helping him deceive himself that his fear is not there or that it is not as bad as it seems).
I would venture to guess that if he came to you today and said something like
"I am worried I will lose my job and not be able to provide for you as I have in the past" you would not laugh at him, belittle his manhood, or do anything but share in his struggle.....support your husband and show compassion for a man who wants so much to provide for you that when he gets a hint that he will fall short of his own expectations that he express's this concern to you.
Long response.....I hope it provides some comfort to you. I appreciate you working hard to find compassion and choosing love for your husband.
I pray your M will survive this. I see from your post and introspection you are going to do what you can to change. Clarifying what you consider porn and your zero tolerance will give HIM an opportunity to choose better....an opportunity for him to chose to honor and cherish you instead of retreat and turn to self-gratification. If he does....wonderful!!! If he doesn't....you have done all you can with regards to this specific issue. Take due comfort in that. You lists of "what ifs" will be much shorter if your M does not survive this. Plus you are learning to choose healthier too!!! Much less resentment in your current choice.....that will serve you better in all your relationships into the future. This is a very good thing!!!!!
Change occurs when the pain of same is greater than the pain of change.
I am proof of that. My wife is proof of that. Our long-standing coping mechs became to painful to withstand any more.....so we are going about changing them.
Keep the faith.
I have added you both to my prayer list.
Peace.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 3:16 AM, May 8th (Thursday)]