BH is at his weekly pool game, so I haven't talked to him about this yet. I started tearing up in my car tonight about a claim that I made about AP shortly after D-day. I had told my BH that my AP accepted my silliness and allowed me to be silly without squashing it. To give some background - I am a very outgoing, silly person who like attention whereas my BH tends to be introverted, reserved person who avoids attention. I remember instances, before and during the affair, of me being silly in public and my BH being disgusted by it (or so I perceived). An example is I like silly hats that you buy at fairs, like giant hotdogs, foam crabs, chicken dance chickens, and silly winter hats like sock monkeys and other animals etc. I remember wearing a large foam crab in Baltimore on a trip that we took years ago and my BH was seemingly disgusted by me walking around with it on my head and me being oblivious to my surroundings (another little "charming" thing about me). I felt that maybe I might have been stifled a little by that. Another classic example of my silliness is car dancing - my BH disliked (or so I perceived) when I did this and again I felt stifled. Looking back on this, I realized that it wasn't necessarily about him not liking my silliness, but about not liking himself and drawing attention to himself. I, of course, thought it was things about me that he didn't like when it was more about things in himself that he didn't like.
So going back to the AP, I thought about my statement, and I realized, I really couldn't be my goofy self with him. I didn't realize it at the time, but I wasn't trying to be liked by someone, so if you are goofy or doing something that could be embarrassing, the person may not like it. I wasn't my genuine self with AP because I was trying to be liked and impress people therefore I really couldn't really totally be myself.
But the thing that makes me feel so sad is that BH loved me unconditionally. He would have loved me no matter whether I was silly, or goofy, or whatever. I realized that he's the first one to laugh at my jokes or the silly things I say - he even makes me repeat if I say or do something funny, even though I can never do it exactly the same way I did it when he heard/saw it the first time. He buys me goofy hats and encourages me to wear them (well, the winter ones, not necessarily the giant hotdog). 
He laughs when I do silly dances. He calls me "goofball" in a loving way. He smiles at the faces I make. He giggles at a goofy way I will sing a song. He will even laugh if I do something silly in public (to a point). Even our special language is silly. My BH, has, is, and will always be the real thing. He is the one I want to be my best self for. I'm trying not to stifle myself anymore. 
