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Just curious for those who have done in house separation what your boundaries were and did they work ?

We made the mistake of not setting any. Now 5 months in BH is doing as he pleases. Texting OW, stopped helping around the house , but we are friendly and basically living as roommates .

I tried to give him space , work on my issues going to IC, doing little things for him making his lunches and dinner . Trying to be there for him and help him heal . Hard to do when I know he is texting away upstairs while I cook and clean for him.

So where do I draw the line and still keep the peace ? He hasn't decided to R or D yet in limbo

HONEY. What your husband is doing is known as cake eating. You're acting like his wife and letting him do what he wants (texting,etc.) while you, in your own words, "try to be there for him and help him heal". So you're being nice, while he continues the relationship with OW.

Well, what is he trying to do to help YOU heal? Texting his OW? Not doing anything around the house?

You say he hasn't decided about R or D? I would say it's time for YOU to decide. The reason he hasn't decided yet is because he doesn't have to-- he's getting the best of both worlds, his wife who cooks and cleans for him (and is a wonderful doormat) and his ego stroking fantasy Unicorn-Land OW. Why would he want to chose to lose one of those when both women appear to be willing to participate in this relationship?

Please decide what YOU want. You can't control him. You can only control yourself. If you're not happy participating in a 3 person marriage then you are going to have to take action to change it.

typical behavior - if you want him to cut the crap, you have to cut him off and file for divorce. right now he has the best of both worlds

filing for a divorce doesn't have to lead to divorce if he's willing to do his part to reconcile

I have lived in in house separation for some time..

If anything I do less around the house than WH does..

He dare not text OW in front of me or go ballistic with mean nasty comments/ behavior towards me...

I don't treat WH as anybody special just a roommate...

I am getting my ducks in a row for D..

I am forced into this in house separation situation because WH refuses to leave...

But you bet, the minute WH turns into somebody who is hard to get along with, nasty or violent, I will pull the trigger( D) even if my ducks are still swimming/flying all over the place...

So draw the line at kids/finances only, live your separate lives, no cooking, laundry or sex for him..

See an atty, know your rights..

The limbo of not knowing where the marriage is headed will end soon, even if the in-house separation does not...

[This message edited by doggiediva at 7:27 AM, May 8th (Thursday)]

I totally agree you are not R = he is using you for his own benefit.

Your kids' ages are fine for them to deal with understanding actions have consequences and you do not show them you have no value as their mother by allowing their dad to use you as he is doing unless you are now drawing a salary as the maid and the cook for the house.

If my WH had ANY contact I didn't know about I would ex parte his butt out of the house. He is showing extreme remorse and doing 3X as much as he used to regarding home life (dishes, kids' homework, making school lunches in the AM, plus usual mowing yard etc.)He has zero private anything in regards to phone, tablet when he's in the home and he's monitored outside of the home. We are in MC and he's in IC.

Absolutely you need to do what is best for you as by his actions of maintaining contact with the OW he is putting himself first when it should be about YOUR NEEDS and healing YOU because of his selfishness. He doesn't want a marriage by his actions. Your kids do not need to witness that Dad does whatever he wants and mom just tolerates it martyr style

Believe me, I have to remind myself of this constantly so please know I understand it is very hard for me as well to stand up for myself = but that is the only way you are going to be married to a man and not a cheater. If he won't change, you control you

You are a kind, generous to a fault and wonderously giving person but no one said to qualify as good you have to have "welcome" stamped on your forehead.

I would say to start at least with the 180, but seriously it might take to you filing for D to wake him up out of his fog

at the very least, you deserve the cake eating to s-t-o-p

sorry double post

sending you ((((huge hugs)))

[This message edited by Merida at 8:23 AM, May 8th (Thursday)]

Thank you for replies . Perhaps confusion in my post so just to clarify . Husband was the BH when separation started so I was going out of my way to do everything for him . Including looking the other way when he decided he wanted start texting women .

So now I'm at the point of saying what are really doing ? Ihowever financially we are stuck in this situation for a while.

So I want to say as long as we are in the same house you shouldn't be texting anyone . I have given full transparency and I don't expect anything from him since I have caused this situation, but I am also trying to work in a positive direction for myself and for him .

I want him to heal and do what he feels he needs to do but texting away and still having me prove myself seems unfair .

Payback maybe .. But in the end not solving anything

I'm in the same boat....thought WW was leaving in 3 weeks , now 3 months. It's death by a thousands cuts. I would rather be skinned alive and rolled in salt than have to figure out how to navigate my WW for the next 3 months.

No. He does not get to text, date, etc.

You either both get committed to making it work or you are not. We all make choices. Your h is making a choice to deal with your affair by doing the same thing. It doesn't make it fair. It just makes it more screwed up.

You are allowed boundaries as well.

Are you going to MC?

He didn't want MC until after 6 month separation .

We both started IC but he only went 3 times . I continue to go and work on myself and my issues .

I think he feels since we are separated even in house he can do what he wants . Tells me I can do I choose to make the right decisions now since I have made many bad ones .

Just wish we set boundaries months ago

I also did in-house separation for financial reasons. To me, it meant that I basically acted as though he wasn't there. Plain and simple. I came and went as I pleased, made my own lunches/dinners, and did my laundry (not his). If either of you need to text, then it should be done in the privacy of your own rooms -- not ever in front of each other. Limbo is horrible. Have you seen a L yet?

In house separation here since November, then I filed in January - being a business owner he has manipulated his salary and playing the poor poor role and has no money to move out. I'm sure when this is done he will take his cash stash and go pay cash for a condo. We are less than roommates. We basically just share air space - and sometimes it is stifling! Separate bedrooms and separate bathrooms. We do our own laundry and if he leaves it in washer or dryer- I don't touch it I just check back later. He buys his own food, I buy and prepare for me and dd16. It's like college again and don't you dare touch the others food. Very rarely a hi or bye. Everyone cleans up after themselves.we have TVs in our rooms but he usually doesn't come home until I'm in bed anyway. So rarely would we be in family room together. If we are, it's because the Kids are here or something or we are discussing some upcoming event (such as DS22 upcoming knee surgery). He comes and goes as he pleases - sometimes staying with his honey bunny slut overnight- I document that as well as the time he gets home and time spent with DD16. I am the parent in charge probably 97% of time. It sucks and it's uncomfortable for everyone. We have specific places to put mail and whoever gets it in sorts and puts in our respective places. But I do nothing to make it comfortable for him to stay here. I don't sabotage anything either.

I don't mind him coming and going as he pleases but still has me doing his laundry buying his lunches and cooking dinner. So really he is having best of both worlds. I'm trying to cut back and not do for him but feel guilty when I do .

He usually texts upstairs after I have cooked and cleaned for him

Haven't contacted L yet because still in limbo and haven't decided on R but looks like D is the path we are heading too