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Dallas2 (original poster member #28362) posted at 9:35 PM on Friday, May 16th, 2014
He now wants us to meet Saturday and talk. To be honest I have nothing to say to him but if I agree to meeting him.
What kind of things should I ask? He will lie about another woman. He will lie about this being planned although it very obviously was.
I really would like to know what or who set this off other than him. Any ideas would be appreciated.
Merlin ( member #30221) posted at 9:41 PM on Friday, May 16th, 2014
If you're done, you are done.
Way better uses of your time than this.
"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence
Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11
cayc ( member #21964) posted at 9:46 PM on Friday, May 16th, 2014
Talk about what? How he loves you but is not in love with you? Fuck that guy. He just wants to spout more words at you to bamboozle you into accepting whatever ridiculous thing he wants now (e.g. an easy D where he takes you for a ride).
Don't agree to meet him. If you have to respond just say "Talk about what? That you're a cheater that isn't good enough for me? I already know that so, no thanks."
Seriously 180, close the bakery, find a D lawyer etc. etc. etc. *If* your WH pulls his head out of his ass it won't present to you as "let's talk".
kg201 ( member #40173) posted at 10:22 PM on Friday, May 16th, 2014
If you really must go to this meeting I would advise the following:
1. Make it in a very public place.
2. Don't expect much. You sit down, and tell him to talk. If he starts making excuses or accusing you of anything, then you stand up, say thank you for wasting your time, and walk out. Don't bother responding.
3. Don't ask anything. If he is truly trying to find a way to help you (I.e show remorse) then he will. You won't have to ask or say anything.
Treat him like a shady car salesman, that you are ready to walk away from the moment the soft shoe starts tapping.
Me: BH, 40
Her: Ms. Daisy
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, living together
Dday: 7/28/13
Ds17, DS12, DD12
Divorced! 2/24/2015
Apology. You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Gemini71 ( member #40115) posted at 10:34 PM on Friday, May 16th, 2014
If you do decide to meet him, here are some ideas of what to ask.
- Is he willing to meet your requirements for R? (I'm assuming you have some.) Full disclosure and transparency. Complete NC with the AP. IC and MC.
- Does he consider this separation therapeudic or a prelude to divorce? If therapeudic, there should be no dating of other people.
- Does he have a lawyer yet and what is his/her name and number?
- How will you handle the joint bills and household expenses? He is still responsible for them.
- When is he moving out and what is he taking with him? He should not be allowed to take household items without your approval. I suggest having someone there to supervise him (not you).
- What is her name and does your state have Alienation of Affection Laws? (Oops, sorry, that's a question for your lawyer.)
- Here is an e-mail address he may contact you at. Please keep it to financial issues only. Discussion about the M can be done in MC. (Sorry again, that's not a question.)
As for questions about "what set this off," only a trained therapist could possibly answer that. The only thing anyone can say with certainty is you did not start this.
DSs 21, 16, 12
About my Ex:
IDK
IDC
IDGAF
Double Betrayal D-Day 7/26/2013
Divorced 11/18/2014
foxglove ( member #21791) posted at 10:42 PM on Friday, May 16th, 2014
(((Dallas))
This guy??? The guy who already has an apartment and took off his wedding ring? This guy is a first class ass and I am angry on your behalf.
I know he is way ahead of me in planning thins and I have to play catch up but when I went to the bank I can't access the account where most of the money is. I can't verify phone calls, credit card receipts or anything he has covered his tracks well. I'm thinking PI now because I need ammunition.
I know that this is difficult and painful, the push-pull, but you need to find your anger. Tell him if he has anything to say, it should be from his attorney to yours.
Me (BS) 57
XH (WS)
Married 21 years
Divorced 2/19/07
Two grown sons
Remarried 9/18
Sad in AZ ( member #24239) posted at 11:15 PM on Friday, May 16th, 2014
He just wants to convince you that he really is a 'nice guy'. Your best bet is to continue to 180 him and move on with your life.
You are important and you matter. Your feelings matter. Your voice matters. Your story matters. Your life matters. Always.
Me: FBS (no longer betrayed nor a spouse)-63
D-day: 2007 (two years before finding SI)
S: 6/2010; D: 3/2011
Dallas2 (original poster member #28362) posted at 12:55 PM on Saturday, May 17th, 2014
I am not talking to him. I decided that he wants out and he can have it but it's going to cost him. He know that but he doesn't have a clue.
I will be doing a lot of talking but not to him. We have over twenty five years together or at least in the same vicinity.
Kajem ( member #36134) posted at 1:17 PM on Saturday, May 17th, 2014
Dallas,
He can "want to ________" all he wants.
What do you want?
You don't have to do anything he wants anymore.
If you do decide to go, sit and let him talk, you don't have to discuss anything with him.
My XH would use the " I'd like to talk " carrot to get me to listen to how HE figured our divorce would go. How he would take care of me and the kids, how we would divide the household goods. I let him go on and on and on. In the end, my divorce looks nothing like he envisioned.
((((((Dallas))))))
I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - UnknownRelationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.
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