Hi everybody, thanks for swinging the 2x4s over here. I posted this thread because I am trying to process my reality and to be honest and fully share my new beginnings story. We are a community and I've benefited so much from the stories I've read and the sharing that goes on and I don't want to be stingy with my story even if I'm feeling somewhat sheepish and uncomfortable about it.
We all come into our new beginnings with baggage. How we unpack the bag, what we eventually decide to keep packed, keep with us as lessons, or discard as useless stained ways of being in the past... it's a process and the baggage is a load to be reconned with.
I spent years coming to terms with STBXWHPANPDFTGs bullshit, lies, gaslighting, and manipulations. I had to investigate the hell out of him to figure out the truth. And one of the truths that became apparent early on is that he was a liar. Which meant EVERYTHING he said and even some of the things he did, was suspect. Which meant I could not trust his words or even some of the actions I witnessed with my own eyes because I knew he would do things deliberately to throw me off. Like parking his truck at work to make it look like he was at work and to fit a story he concocted.
So I've been there. Many of us have been there. So that's why we are all so sensitive to this and calling bullshit. I'm asking for your view on this because I also suspect bullshit but I'm not fully convinced of it either. Maybe there is truth in what he says. Maybe its all truth. Maybe he is not lying to me. I don't know. I'm trying to check my baggage here. Distrust much in your NB? Of course I do.
OK, so that's about me. Now, about him.
I want to repeat from some of my disclosure from months ago that I've known Firehouse Guy for 14 years as a friend and colleage. 6 months ago I started working on a big project out of the same office as him, for a non-profit that is affiliated with his Govt. agency which is what put us closer together.
I know he left his wife 16 years ago, and 2 years later he moved here, over 300 miles away, which is when I first met him. They have remained legally married - they have a son, now grown with granddaughter. STBXW has stayed on his medical insurance, and he has voluntarily supported her and his son over the years. Their divorce papers are now finally filed, they have been to court a few times and are trying to reach a settlement. It's possible he cheated on her. I haven't dug deep into this but I am fully prepared to learn that he's a wayward from way back. Would I date a known wayward? Honestly - yes, it depends of course on whether he's repentant remorseful, has learned, etc. My marital history is full of my own misbehavior as I was a madhatter in my first M 30 years ago.
I know that he and EXGF started living together in a rental a few years after he moved here, and then bought the place they are in as an investment at the height of the real estate market and unfortunately got completely hosed when the bubble broke. The property value plummeted and they lost everything they put into the down payment. She put in 60% of the equity. They have been riding out the recovery and hoping to at least get back what they put in as the market IS coming back. In his neighborhood homes sell for $500,000 to $3,500,000. I's 4 bedroom, 3 bath, with 2 garages on 5 acres with an ocean view, so its value might be $1,500,000 to $2,000,000 (I'm guessing) So you can see that a 10% increase in value is hundreds of thousands of dollars. This isn't a trivial thing and I respect what is at stake here.
Since Firehouse Guy and I have been seeing each other they have had the house appraised once, tried to get it refi'd twice to lower their payments, and now he tells me that yesterday they had it cleaned by a cleaning service and a troupe of real estate brokers came by to look at it and they are expecting to find out this week what the brokers would list it for, so they can decide whether now is the time to sell.
I've been in the house several times although not while EXGF was there. There are two wings off the main living area and his wing has not one stitch of a female touch to it. Total bachelor pad. There are no pictures in the common areas of them as a couple, nothing that makes it look like somebody's cozy home and love nest. Her wing is locked so I haven't seen it.
So that's the facts about his STBXW, and house he co-owns and co-habits with (alleged)EXGF.
What else do I know about Firehouse Guy so I can tell whether this EX story is bullshit or not?
Over the years, we would periodically inquire with each other about our lives. STBXWHPANPDFTG and I were a couple and working together for the non-profit as a team. When I moved out Firehouse Guy learned about our S and a few of the issues with our M (in vague terms). So he watched my marriage come apart. We did talk about our lives as we worked together closely on various projects. After talking about my M, one question I asked him was "How is YOUR sweetie?" - to which he answered "She's not my sweetie. But she's fine, still working at XXX" - This was over two years ago.
We are both night-owls who work well late in the day/evening hours. I witnessed him take calls from her in the evening to discuss domestic issues like shopping. He didn't close with sweet talk, just said, OK, I'll see you later. I also watched him work late and never call her or check in at all.
When we first started flirting with each other I knew damn well they lived together and this was one of the very first things I asked him about. "Don't you have a girlfriend?" And the answer was "NO. We own a house together but we are not a couple any more. We haven't been romantic with each other for over 3 years."
So anyway, that's what I know, that's what he's said. Everything he's told me has been consistent. There aren't any changing story lines. And it makes sense that if his romantic relationship with her did come apart, that with physical layout of separate wings that it would be possible to tolerate continuing to live together in the same house for the sake of finances.
