SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

How can this be happening to me? Is this really my life? Who is this person I'm married to? He is not who I thought he was.

June 16th is my 19th wedding anniversary. I just found out 2 weeks ago that my husband has been having an A for at least 8 months. I am devastated. My whole world is shattered. I'm scared and alone, the pain of betrayal cuts me down to my soul. I was contacted by the husband of the other woman. He had known something was going o when he came home from work early and found his wife pulling down her sun dress to cover herself up while standing in front of my husband. Somehow she managed to tell her husband that she was just showing my husband her stomach muscles cuz she lost a lot of weight and my husband was giving her tips on dieting. That was September, fast forward to 2 weeks ago when I confronted him with tue information I had, I managed to get Confession out of him by telling him that if he told me the truth there was a chance that we could work it out. So he confessed and I kicked him out of the house that night and he has been staying at his sisters house ever since. We have 3 children, a 16 yr old girl, 14 yr old boy, and a 7yr old girl. Our lives will never be the same. My teenagers know what he did, but my littlest does not. Here's the kicker, the last 4 yrs he has taken me down some pretty rough roads, he had a drug addiction that cost us everything, but I stayed by his side, made him go into rehab and was his greatest fan and cheerleader. For the last 3 years he has been driving me ABSOLUTELY INSANE with his out if control jealousy. He was. Extremely jealous of a coworker of mine because I said he was "eh, kinda good looking" well that sent him off the deep end and his jealousy spiraled out of control. He literally made my life a living hell with his insecurity and incessant badgering. I was constantly defending myself against anything and everything. It was ridiculous. Me and my children have been tormented by his outbursts and rants. However I was always holding out hope for us to be happy. He is the love if my life. I have been with him for 28 years. Since I was 16 years old. We always had an amazing sex life, I have always been very physically attracted to him he was always attracted to me. He has always made me feel like the sexiest most beautiful woman in the world. In a MILLION years, I would have NEVER expected this from him. So here we are now, he comes to the house a few days a week to see the kids at night, he has been around on weekends too so we can finish work on our house. I am so confused, I hate him and love him at the same time. He has caused me the greatest pain I have ever known. He has stopped seeing the other woman, and swears he will never see her again and that it meant nothing. What an asshole! Anyway he is vowing to do whatever it takes and wait as long as it takes because he cannot live without me (hmmm, thinking this is something he should've thought about when he was slamming he in her car for the past 8months) omg, he's Such a douchebag! Sorry, these words just roll off my tongue these days. So I have no clue as to what my plan is. How in the world can I ever be close to him again without thinking if the two of them together? It rips me apart. It makes me sick. I feel so alone. Its scarey. For now he's just gonna be my "bitch." He said he is gonna come to the house every weekend and finish whatever needs to be done and do all the things he should've been doing all along. Did I mention he's an asshole? Does this get any easier? Does the pain ever lessen? I really don't think I van handle this kind of emotional roller coaster. Wether I stay with him or decide to divorce, either way I will be unhappy. Its so unfair.

Firstly, hello and my heart goes out to you. The roller-coaster of emotions is the worst thing... and as others will tell you, it's important to look after yourself physically - drinking water, trying to eat. I'd also see a doc (I did) if the anxiety feels too bad. This is a major trauma situation, and you should not feel at all ashamed to ask for help. As for your situation, I wish I'd had your strength at that stage - kicking him out is the best thing you could have done. He has a long way to go before he proves he can be a good partner - and that's if you can ever get past the betrayal - many can't. But I hear a strong person inside you - one who has put herself out in many ways to support this guy and who nonetheless he cheated on. Focus on yourself and your kids for now, and don't rush any decisions on what to do next.

((((neecee)))

I am SO sorry you found yourself here. This is a club that you never wanted to belong to but will be glad you are because you will be able to have a "go-to" place to get advice, blow off steam, learn about this horrible situation you are in now and be part of a whole group of people that understand the pain, rollercoaster and the unfairness of this mess.

Fourth down on the left is the Healing Library. Read all you can there. It will educate you and make you feel better. There are a lot of good people that will be along after me to give you good advice and information.

Keep your chin up. Drink fluids, eat good food and get sleep. You and your kids will need that.

We all have come here never EVER expecting or seeing the level of mass destruction to our lives from the very person that held our most basic trust. He is your WS (wayward spouse). Is he remorseful? Is he blaming you for everything? Is he willing to work on himself to discover why he did this? These are all important now so you know which direction you are headed: divorce or reconciliation. Is he willing to go NC (no contact) with her. Is he willing to be transparent - ie no secret email accounts, phones etc. Is he willing to go to marriage counseling?

This is hurricane on your life. Break it down in baby bites to be able to swallow it.

This maybe hard to hear but GO get yourself a FULL STD panel done to see if he gave you anything.

Keep posting here. This place is WONDERFUL because 24/7 365 days a year whenever you NEED help people ALL over the world are here to help you. These people care and will give you the truth whether you want it or not and will help you work things out you may not be willing to work on.

You're so so hurt by the magnitude of the betrayal that you are going to be on an emotional rollercoaster from hell. Please, please, please, allow yourself to FEEL those emotions. No revenge affairs, no drinking, no methods of escape. Just feel. Use the energy those emotions to implement POSITIVE coping skills into your life. Meditating, exercising, eating healthy, going on walks. Lastly, live your life according to your values. As an activity for yourself, download a values card sort on google, cut them out and sort your values into the categories. The ones you categorize in the "very important" section should be held so closely to your heart right now so that you will behave according to them. That helps your healing tremendously because over time, you will build your self-respect and love for yourself.

Enough practical advice...I am so so sorry that you have found yourself here. This is definitely a community where people from all different backgrounds, experiences, and plans (with their WS's) come to share their wisdom and seek wisdom. You have come to the barracks in the midst of the internal war you will be facing. Use it often.

((((neecee))))

He has stopped seeing the other woman, and swears he will never see her again and that it meant nothing.

Of course he stopped seeing her. The OW's husband would give him the beat down he so richly deserves if he were to come around again. Does your husband think he deserves a medal for that? Hardly.

Neecee, please stop telling your teenage children your intensely private marital business. Hey, I know you're pissed off as hell at him. I GET it. But they don't need the burden of knowing their father was cheating on you. When I separated from my son's father, I simply told him that dad and I could no longer live together. Period. There was no need to share intensely intimate marital information with him because it wasn't fair to visit that type of heavy stuff on a child and it wasn't his business. I also didn't want his opinion of his dad irreparably damaged forever. And I did that not for his dad's sake, but for my son's sake. Please look at the bigger picture and consider how this is affecting your kids in the long run.

I'm really sorry to hear that he's brought nothing positive to the table for a long, long time. Drug addiction which wiped you out financially, angry, insecure, jealous outbursts dominating your family life, and the list goes on. And now this.

I guess at this point, you need to weigh whether he's more of an asset or a liability to you and the family.

From what you've written, he doesn't sound remorseful at all. It just sounds like he has nowhere else to go so he's doing whatever he can to worm his way back into your good graces.

Someone with no remorse for what he's done doesn't 'get' the gravity of his behavior and how it's affected everyone. He just knows he has to jump around like a trained seal to get back into your good graces. But without remorse, you can't truly reconcile.

Good luck to you.

"We have 3 children, a 16 yr old girl, 14 yr old boy, and a 7yr old girl. Our lives will never be the same. My teenagers know what he did, but my littlest does not."

Am I missing something? Where do you gather..from the above statement...that she's sharing intensely personal info with her kids?

Neecee....my heart bleeds for you. I found out in January of this year that my husband of 18 years had been cheating on me for a year and a half. We also have three children, 16,14 and 11 and they ALL know...It has sucked royally. You have my deepest sympathies.

Now, you need to start to take some action. Get into individual therapy and if at all possible insist that he get's into individual therapy. It sounds like he needs it (but of course anyone crazy enough to have an affair obviously needs it!). Get into marriage counselling on top. And start talking and listening. You are in the very early stages of this and I feel for you. You've got some dark days ahead. Look after yourself however you can. You've got to bear your children's pain and your own and most probably (and most unfairly) sometime's your husband's. Try and hand that one right back to him and let him deal with the kids acting out.

Also, go see a lawyer. At least you will know where you stand though I can tell you that the infidelity itself won't matter much legally.

I would have also sworn on my children's lives that my husband wouldn't ever do this to me so lesson learned. You are in all probability still in shock and it will take some time for that to wear off. I swear it took me months. Keep posting here and let us know how you are getting on.

Hugs.

(((((NEECEE))))

How did your children find out??? My 11 yr old recently asked me what happened that caused mommy and daddy to live apart. I felt that she was still too young to understand what her mother did so I simply told her that she was too young to understand. But someday when she is old enough and wants this information I believe that she has the right to know.

Take care Neecee, time doesn't completely heal all wounds but it does get a lot better.

Am I missing something? Where do you gather..from the above statement...that she's sharing intensely personal info with her kids?

About 1/3 in she said:

"Our lives will never be the same. My teenagers know what he did, but my littlest does not."

Neecee, please stop telling your teenage children your intensely private marital business. Hey, I know you're pissed off as hell at him. I GET it. But they don't need the burden of knowing their father was cheating on you.

I don't see anything posted that she "shared intensely private marital business" details with any of her children. That being said, teenagers AREN'T stupid and to lie or fluff up the reason "Daddy" doesn't live here anymore is more then likely going to cause further issues then sitting down and talking to your children honestly. They ARE a part of the marriage and while they don't need to be used as leverage or sounding boards, they do deserve and need to know what's going on, in my opinion...

(((neecee))) Remember that actions always speak louder than words. If he's truly remorseful, actions will follow his words. However, right now, I wouldn't let him back in the house until YOU feel like it's the right thing for you and your children. Right now YOU and your kids are YOUR priority. Not him and his stupidity. You need to focus on keeping yourself healthy and being able to care for your kiddos. If at all possible, have no contact with him unless it's about the kids. I have found that separation truly helps to give your a clearer mind and outlook on the entire situation. It also helps you heal.

Keep posting. You'll have a lot of great support here. Make sure you read the articles in the healing library (found in the yellow box on the left of the page). My heart goes out to you!! Many thoughts of strength for you as well!!

My WH is an addict, too. I believe that, when faced with sobriety, many addicts just sub an affair for their drug of choice. I will PM you, because I have much to say on the topic. Do you go to Al Anon? It has saved me. And I am not the joining type. But to bring my focus back to ME and what I want and need has been invaluable. Have you read "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie? Required reading for anyone in a relationship with an addict. I'm 2 months out, and I can tell you that the initial HELL I descended into has mostly passed. There are still some really dark moments, but no longer whole days/weeks. Hang in there. Your path will become clear when it is time.

Thanks you all for your encouraging word and compassion, they really mean a lot to me and I greatly appreciate it. I just want to say that my teenage children know a lot of what has been going on in our household because of the way their fathers has been tormenting me about his jealous nature. The fighting had been out of control and his jealous rages seemed to have gotten worse over the past few month, now I am realizing why. I can only assume it had to do with his own infidelity that caused him to have such inner turmoil and cause him to worry about what I was doing, who knows!

My teenagers deserve to know the truth, they are a part of this family and when their father betrayed me, he also betrayed them. They deserved an explanation just as much as I did. The day after I found out and he confessed, he came back to the house (as I mentioned I threw his sorry ass out that night and he slept in his van in in the driveway) and we sat down with my two oldest kids and he told them what he had done. They had the opportunity to express their grief and utter shock and disbelief to him, as they had every right to do so. My daughter currently does not want her father to come back to live her nor does she want me to give him a second chance, she does not feel he deserves one (she's a smart girl) especially in light of the fact that he has been a total ,how shall I say this, DICK to me these past 3 years. My teen son is hoping for a reconciliation and wants me to give him another chance. He's a sensitive kid and is worried about his fathers well being. I respect both of my children's opinions and would never try and sway them one way or the other. I also would never use my kids against him or stop him from being in their lives. They don't deserve that. They are innocent bystanders too, just like me.

So anyway, here's my current status with my WS. He comes to the house on most nights to help with the kids as I work late three nights a week. I don't mind him being here, having had him in my life everyday for the last 28 years, its very hard to just banish him from my life overnight. His attitude is that of complete and total remorse. He is a broken man (sure he got caught) and is desperate to keep his wife and children (guess he didn't think that one through huh?)I have no doubt in my mind that I am the love of his life, as he is mine. That being said, it makes it that much hard to accept that he is not the man I thought he was. He is swearing to never see the OW ever again and has not contacted her since I found out. He promises to be totally transparent and an open book. He takes 100% of the blame and tells me that this has no bearing on what a wonderful wife and mother I am, and that I am in no way to blame. (No shit!!) He is vowing to do whatever it takes to try and get me back, he is going to stay out of the house for 1 year (that is what I told him he needed to do) he will go to individual therapy to figure out why he is so self-destructive and why he is so impulsive. I seriously think he needs medication because he makes very bad choices in his life that affect our family. He self-sabotages. He says he understand if I can't work it out and that if I have to move on he will not stand in my way. He is planning on continuing with paying the bills here at home as well as helping me to maintain it and finish all the things that he never finished over the last 7 fucking years since he built the dormer on our home. It pisses me of that it took me throwing him out of the house and him having an A to get him to finally pick up the slack and do what he should've been doing all along. So I have no worries that he wouldn't provide for me and the kids regardless of the outcome. He has been here every weekend working outside doing whatever it is that I ask of him (not a peep out of him, that I must say was great)I like to call it his "community service"...dumbass! Ok, so while he is here all weekend I have my many ups and downs. We are still doing things like a couple would as far as working together on our house, so it is very difficult for me to be so near to him and yet so far. I have my outburst where I ask him my millions of questions "did you ever go to a hotel" "did you tell her you loved her" "did you perform oral sex on her" and he actually answers my questions. I usually tell him what a fucking asshole he is shortly after he answers my questions and then tell him he's welcomed to leave at anytime because I don't need him here. Of course he doesn't want to go because he's gonna hang around me like a fucking puppy dog! Right now he's my "bitch" doing whatever I ask of him. I may not live happily ever after with the man of my dreams, but I will end up with the house of my dreams, lol!! If I don't laugh I'll cry. I apologize for the bad language, I'm just a little pissed off!!!!!!So I honestly don't know what to think. I am having a battle in my own mind constantly. I know its too soon to make any kind of decision, everything is still so raw. But the rational thinking part of my brain says "who the hell wants to live this way, always wondering, feeling betrayed and brokenhearted, not having that special bond that we had before" Then there's the part of me that realizes that if we separate I will have to deal with the reality of him moving on as well and eventually being in a relationship, and that's really hard to even imagine.

But most of all I am so angry. Angry that I have been given this "life sentence" of misery. Because no matter what I decide, I will be unhappy either way. Its so unfair. I don't want to have to have these feelings. I don't want to have to deal with all of this shit. Its like I have cancer and there's nothing I can do to make it go away except go through horrible chemo that's going to make me sick. Only when your finished with chemo, there's hope of a new life and happiness. I don't have that hope.

[This message edited by neecee at 9:24 PM, May 26th (Monday)]

Neecee, thanks for the update. Yes, your teenage children should absolutely know what is going on. It was wise and painful to tell them. Although it wasn't my initial preference, when it became apparent that my middle child (daughter, 14) had read the texts on my husband's phone before I actually did (by a 20 minute gap) we knew we had to tell all the children. My husband did it because I couldn't bear to watch and he has to live with that. Terrible.

I'm glad that your husband is in IC and is a grovelling wreck. He bloody well should be!! Have you considered IC for yourself? At some point the anger will wear off, or at least alternate, with a shit load of pain. That's the really fun part! It helps to have some professional support during those dark times. You were smart to tell him to move out for a year--I kicked my husband out for six weeks but the youngest child was acting out so badly that I allowed him back into the guest room.

Good luck and keep us posted.