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KatyDo (original poster member #41245) posted at 2:08 PM on Friday, June 6th, 2014
I had posted on here before about considering separation. I'm the spouse supporting his husband's decision to provide caregiving for his mother in her home, living with the two of them. He had an EA for 2 years, and I still feel mired in the pain from it.
I've looked at a couple of apartments which were one-year commitments and it seemed like too much. Now I've found a place with a two-month sublet - haven't seen it yet, but have plans to do so in the next few days.
I'm still struggling about what the right thing is to do. My h has really treated me badly, from the EA to the other inappropriate relationships, to anger issues, to not taking adequate responsibility for the caregiving or himself.
My mixed feelings come from some guilt about not helping with the caregiving any longer, and some feeling that I'll be losing ground to his mother if I leave here. On the other hand I already have felt like a second class citizen over my time here.
Husband seems passive about my leaving. I'm going away this weekend anyway to try to clear my head and help with the decision. He doesn't seem to feel strongly about saving the marriage, which I have fought for so hard over these many years. However I don't feel I can tell what is happening in his mind, and he says he is going to just see what happens. So passive (!)
Any advice?
Married 10 years, together for 15
Me: BS Him: chronic boundary issues, EA for 2 years, DD Spring 2013, Separated
sparkysable ( member #3703) posted at 2:11 PM on Friday, June 6th, 2014
Personally, I would never fight for someone who wasn't worth fighting for. He's not worth fighting for.
He should be going out of his way and kissing your ass, not the other way around. HE's the one who had the affair.
D-day OW#1 2/2004;D-day OW#2 5/2010
Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.
FrmrBH80124 ( member #42967) posted at 3:04 PM on Friday, June 6th, 2014
Katy,
It's wonderful that you have a caring soul about his mother; however, her care is not your responsibility. It's your H's responsibility. You need to look out for yourself. He's shown you so much disrespect and his passiveness further compounds the pain and suffering that you feel.
IMO it's time to cut ties and move on. He has shown no remorse, no willingness to fix himself or the marriage. It takes TWO committed people to make a marriage work. He's checked out. The door is there waiting for you to walk through it.
Ultimately your call but I wouldn't stay in this situation if I were in your shoes.
ME - BH 45
Her - XWS 30
D - April 2010 - never looked back and good riddance.
Happily remarried!
Though much is taken, much abides; and though we are not now that strength which in old days
moved earth and heaven, that which we are,
one2ndchance ( member #14759) posted at 5:29 PM on Friday, June 6th, 2014
You're sacrificing your well being and happiness for his mother. While that is noble, once you leave, he'll be forced to take care of her. Right now, he sees you doing his work.
Leave.
Married 26 years
DDay #1 2/2002
DDay #2 6/2012
Gave him his second chance and he blew it.
Divorce final: 9/9/2014
It's hard to see the road ahead if you're always looking in the rear view mirror.
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