I was doing some reflection last night and trying to think of things I actually genuinely like about myself...and I realized that I don't actively like myself. Most of the time I don't actively dislike myself either. I just sort of try to avoid the whole topic. I have some love for myself, perhaps, but it's very conditional and it's based on whether I can perform or act a certain way. It's actually kind of weird.. if I'm honest, the whole concept of liking myself seems foreign and weird.
I let things go with XW for so long because she said so many nice encouraging things to me and I was able to absorb that and feel good about myself, feel special. That's part of why it was so hard to let go of her. This is also, I think, why I sometimes get intense feelings for some people when they give me enough positive attention. Which I recognize as unhealthy, and try to back off, but still...
I've done some reading on the topic and the first thing I encountered is to do more good things for other people as a way to foster love for oneself. And that is one of the things I listed in a previous thread (being kind) as something I admire in other people and sometimes myself. It sort of helps in general to think of how I would view myself if I were thinking of another person, and... well, not entirely sure where I would go from there, but it feels like it gives me some ideas.
Anyway, the main point is that I've finally realized that I don't have substantial good feelings about myself that come from within, that I get almost all of them from other people's judgment of me. Sigh.
Not to sound overly negative, but it's amazing how screwed up I'm finding that I am, on the road to healing.
ETA: Here are some examples of some conditional love/not love that I have for myself --
* If I achieve something, I'm happy with myself and I feel great. If I fail to live up to my standards, I dislike myself.
* If I lose weight, I feel good. If I gain weight, I feel bad.
* If someone else likes me or approves of me, it feels really good. If I get a negative response or a rejection, it feels utterly horrible. [although that last may have changed since doing EMDR? -- like I used to trigger when I felt like my boss was upset with me, and now it just sort of rolls off my back more easily]
[This message edited by ProbableIceCream at 2:10 PM, June 8th (Sunday)]
