Cookies are required for login or registration. Please read and agree to our cookie policy to continue.

Newest Member: Birthdaydiscovery

General :
Do you discuss your IC?

This Topic is Archived
default

 stunnedmullet (original poster member #42975) posted at 6:08 AM on Thursday, June 26th, 2014

Do you and you ws discuss what you cover at IC?

DD April Fools Day 2014 (unfortunately no joke)

BS (me) 45
WH 43
OW - a friend of WH for 5 years

4 month EA which turned into a 5 month PA

married 22 and 7 kids

Attempted reconciliation for 18 months until he walked out without warning

posts: 367   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Australia
id 6849480
default

Lark ( member #43773) posted at 7:09 AM on Thursday, June 26th, 2014

I haven't started my IC yet (had to do MC first, so scheduling tomorrow)

I plan to discuss it with my husband. I had very bad PPD after our older was born and did counseling with my psychiatrist during it. I told my husband the basics but felt embarrassed to go into details... we both have a hard time communicating deep feelings.

I would rather not follow that road again and this time I want to work on improving our communication, including those hard-to-express and hard-to-hear things.

We'll see how I feel once we start IC. But right now I plan to. If nothing else, this whole shithole of a nightmare is teaching me to voice up my feelings, my thoughts, my emotions in a constructive way. He mindgamed and gaslighted me for a long time into thinking my thoughts were insecurities or trying to take away things that were fun for him, like the "gym." If he truly wants to R, he's going to have to see, accept, and appreciate a new side of me. I'm finding it powerful when I can put emotions/thoughts into words.

“It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.” - Dumbledore

posts: 4131   ·   registered: Jun. 18th, 2014   ·   location: California
id 6849491
default

 stunnedmullet (original poster member #42975) posted at 11:15 AM on Thursday, June 26th, 2014

Thanks for your reply. I agree, I am trying to be more open with my feelings as avoidance has done neither of us any good.

WH had IC today and I wish he would tell me more of what went on. I guess I want to know that the IC is not brushing off the A like our first MC did but not sure if he wants to discuss it. I hope he starts to share more of his feelings too otherwise I don't think this will work :(

I just hate this whole mess

DD April Fools Day 2014 (unfortunately no joke)

BS (me) 45
WH 43
OW - a friend of WH for 5 years

4 month EA which turned into a 5 month PA

married 22 and 7 kids

Attempted reconciliation for 18 months until he walked out without warning

posts: 367   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Australia
id 6849540
default

OakStreet ( member #41193) posted at 12:59 PM on Thursday, June 26th, 2014

My WH and I (after Dday 1):

Each attended IC

Went to MC

Quit MC (when I discovered he took it underground)

Now each in IC

Will soon go back to MC (maybe)

We DO discuss what took place in IC - well maybe not ALL of it, but I think WH is forthcoming. I'm not impressed with my IC, so I may quit this week and wait for MC.

I discovered that during WH's IC, he and the counselor were discussing MY feelings, MY triggers and MY pain and anger over the A. I called BULLSHIT on that - IC was to work on him and what makes him "entitled".

Can't believe I had to turn his and the counselor's attention to HIM.

Me: 60, WH 67
Married: 23 years
DS 21, 2 adult stepdaughters
DDay: Oct. 14, 2013
Divorced Jan. 2016

posts: 961   ·   registered: Nov. 2nd, 2013
id 6849600
default

DrJekyll ( member #43618) posted at 1:43 PM on Thursday, June 26th, 2014

My BS and I discuss everything that happens in IC. In fact she is going to start attending my IC sessions with me. I have nothing to hide. Nothing that I would not share with her. For myself, it is a no brainer. But that may not work with everyone.

A wound can be stitched shut, but it decides when it will heal on its own.

ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)

I do not PM with Women

Hardships often prepare ordinary people for an extraordinary destiny. C.S.Lewis

posts: 1266   ·   registered: Jun. 3rd, 2014   ·   location: Midwest
id 6849634
default

 stunnedmullet (original poster member #42975) posted at 1:46 PM on Thursday, June 26th, 2014

Good on you Dr Jekyll, I am sure that helps your BS knowing you are happy to share your IC sessions with her. I think after the kidsafe in bed I might bring it up and ask how it went.

Thanks for your replies

DD April Fools Day 2014 (unfortunately no joke)

BS (me) 45
WH 43
OW - a friend of WH for 5 years

4 month EA which turned into a 5 month PA

married 22 and 7 kids

Attempted reconciliation for 18 months until he walked out without warning

posts: 367   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Australia
id 6849641
default

tearingaway ( member #28618) posted at 2:03 PM on Thursday, June 26th, 2014

My WW always wants to know everything discussed at my IC. I think it is insecurity on her part. I tend to not give tons of information to her. I just discuss things generally with her.

posts: 399   ·   registered: May. 27th, 2010
id 6849670
default

blakesteele ( member #38044) posted at 2:26 PM on Thursday, June 26th, 2014

Caution: check your motivation for sharing. If you are in a CoD counter D cycle.....it may be repeating unhealthy patterns.

If you are a part of a healthy interconnected M then it's healthy motivation to share. 'Course, if you are "that couple"....why in therapy at all? 😊

God is with us all.

ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

posts: 5835   ·   registered: Jan. 8th, 2013   ·   location: Central Missouri
id 6849695
default

heme ( member #40684) posted at 6:01 PM on Thursday, June 26th, 2014

WH doesn't share much of what the counselor and him talk about. Im not in IC (personal reasons) but if I was I don't think Id talk about it because WH hasn't shown himself trustworthy. I was in IC at one time and found that he talked about what I told him with his family/friends.

BS: Me (30)
WS: Husband (31)
Married 8 years, together 9
D-Day: Sept 10, 2013
D-Day2: May 31, 2014
Children: 5, ages 7, 5, 3, 1 and due in September

Leaning towards leaving, no one deserves this pain.

posts: 205   ·   registered: Sep. 16th, 2013
id 6850029
default

Didact ( member #42867) posted at 6:14 PM on Thursday, June 26th, 2014

We share some, perhaps most of what is said.

There is a (hopefully healthy) level of insecurity at not knowing everything that's said. I'm not sure that there could be full healing without the ability to open up and say things that perhaps the other spouse wouldn't love to hear.

Jokingly, she refers to my IC as "Weekly Wife Bashing" and I refer to her IC as "Rug Sweeping Lessons." I know the former isn't true, and suspect the latter isn't as well.

No matter how painful, life either adapts or it dies.

BH (Me) 49
WW 48
Married 1985
D-Day Mar 19, 2014
1 year passionate EA/PA, ended by me on d-day.
Attempting to R

posts: 446   ·   registered: Mar. 24th, 2014   ·   location: PNW
id 6850054
This Topic is Archived
Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.001.20250404a 2002-2025 SurvivingInfidelity.com® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy