Tomorrow will be July 1, officially 6 months from dday 1. And I am looking back on how far have I come since then. So, a little reflection.
6 months ago I was a liar, a cheater and a manipulator. I had been treating my family better for a time, and then the bomb dropped. My BS found out about an EA that I had, but never met in person. And at that point I decided that I would be truthful about everything (that she knew about) So I was still hiding some important information. 3xPAs I was in a whirlwind of dissonance. I wanted to be truthful, but I didn't want to cause more damage. (typical wayward save my own ass disguised as not want to hurt BS) So for 2 months I still manipulated, trying to be honest but not reveal any more information than I had to. During this period, I had discovered my mothers NPD in researching the possibility of my own.
After 2 months of reading, lurking on SI, discussion with my BS, books, blogs, preachers, everything came to a final conclusion. In order for me to start healing myself, I had to become authentic. I had to be honest. From all of the reading, I now had the tools for disclosure. I scheduled counseling prepared my thoughts, waited for a Friday evening. And laid in on her. Wow I was free! Even though in the initial disclosure I had omitted a few things, I corrected them a few hours later. I was finally able to relax. I had let go of the outcome, and put all of my faith in God. As He was the only one that could save me on that day.
I have been through many emotions in the last 6 months. Emotions that I have never isolated in the past. For me the go to emotion was anger. I have come a long way on understanding what my emotion is and turn it back from anger. As anger is not the true emotion.
I have learned to face my fears. My previous mindset was I am either afraid and have to do something or not afraid. But I am getting comfortable being afraid and not defaulting to fight/flight
I have learned to put me first, when I need to be first. And others first when they need to be first. And I am getting considerably better at knowing the differences.
I am learning to voice my feelings, my true feelings not the surface ones. But actually analyzing what the feeling is and voicing it. And if it is because I am being selfish. I voice that too.
I have learned the value in being the first to tell. I work hard at telling the truth. And not in reaction but by being first. As it is not defending myself. But proving myself.
I have been getting better at standing up for myself, my BS, and my DC. Vocalizing, not from anger, but as a fact. ie. standing up to my mother, standing up to the OBS (my cousin) who wanted to rug sweep.
I have been getting better at real communication and active listening. With my BS, DC, employer, job interviews, and on here (hopefully you agree)
I have worked hard on self validation, self love, and my self esteem. This is one of the hardest for me. But when I slip, I bounce back a lot faster. And I refrain from "acting out"
I have developed deeper understanding of my BS, and DC. And a deeper understanding of myself.
I have a dark side. (Mr. Hyde) I have a light side (Dr. Jekyll) But I am working on the balance of the two. I will heal, I will become one. Everyday I move closer to that middle. This is my Mt. Everest. I will reach the summit. But it will take me years to get there. When I get there, I will be a healthy, whole and safe person. But that is not the end of the journey, just the beginning.
Thanks for reading, and letting me share.
