I have drafted a letter to my WS's OM's ex-wife. I have carefully prefaced it with a warning that it contains potentially painful topics. I want to get the opinion of those on this board if I should send it?
I have included an edited version below:
NAME,
You don’t know me. I don’t know what I’m gaining by writing this letter to you, other than getting something off my chest. This message regards your ex-husband, NAME. If you choose to toss this letter in the trash and read no further, I will understand. I don’t expect a reply and in-fact, I’m not sure if I would want you to write one if it will cause you any more pain and re-open old wounds that you may have already moved on from in your life. Think hard about reading the rest of this missive as it may be painful and my objective in sending this is not to cause you pain, but rather for me to bring something of a closure to a personal matter that I am dealing with.
For me, this is still new, fresh, and an open wound. For you, this may be news, old news, more bad news you already knew about, or none of the above. If it provides you with some closure then it may be good for you to hear what I have to say. If this, as I think it might, causes you more pain then I am truly sorry to be the bringer of bad news or, as mentioned to open an old wound. My intentions may indeed be purely selfish. I’m writing this, yet not yet knowing if I will put a stamp on it and actually mail it or send it to you electronically or let it sit without being sent. I have found over the past few weeks that just putting words on paper is somewhat therapeutic in that it allows me to remove myself from the pain and putting the words on paper puts some of what I feel into perspective. With those things said and an apology I will continue….
My wife and your then husband had an emotional, physical, and virtual affair. I have only, just in the last few weeks, learned of these events. I wasn’t there, so I don’t know everything. I only know what my wife shares with me in our effort to reach the bottom of her betrayal of her vows to me. I am not a religious person. However, our vows were sacred to me as they were promises made between us and witnessed by our family and our friends, people who are very important to us.
What I do know is that sometime in 2006 or 2007 my wife NAME, who was a PROFESSIONAL student at the time, spent some time working with your ex-husband in TOWN. It is my understanding that you were still married. I have no idea of the health of your marriage or your relationship with your then husband at that time.
The facts are hard to hear for me and hard to document for me and are based upon recollections that NAME has shared with me as we work through this issue between ourselves.
I’m sure that prior to this initial event there was plenty of attention heaped on my wife, plenty of words said over work, plenty of flirting between the two of them. As has been related to me; one afternoon my wife had lunch with you and your then husband in your house while she was working at the practice. My wife recollects that after lunch you left to go back to work. After you left, they had sex in your house, supposedly with a condom (which leads me to believe that this was a planned encounter by at least one party or my wife is withholding information from me).
Their relationship has lasted several years and has been infrequent in nature, but I do know that they were continuing to have sex throughout our marriage, as recent as a year ago and potentially even more recently. I know that their relationship included multiple times where they were physically intimate and when not physically, they were involved via phone and messaging on the Internet and/or cell phone usage (including the exchange of graphic images). From the initial encounter in 2006/2007, Thanksgiving weekend 2011, last summer, and potentially this January there were sexual encounters. Their sexting/phone conversations were likely also infrequent, but did happen throughout that time as well and continued until June of this year.
What wounds me about their physical encounters is that usually, with the exception of one time, I was also in TOWN. That meant that I was stuck in her parents’ house with no transportation and dealing with her overbearing parents. That my wife found sexual comfort in another man’s (and at the time, a married man’s) arms, while I was trapped and miserable brings me profound grief. During one of these instances, I believe I actually shook your ex-husband’s hand when he picked my wife up to go “horseback riding.” I believe I told them to, “have fun.” What a pathetic shit I must have seemed. The fact that my wife could do what she did is beyond my comprehension. To think of what your ex-husband did boils my blood.
I know that in their later relationship, they planned encounters long before we travelled to TOWN. Reading their communication, which is how I discovered this relationship, caused me profound pain. That my wife would conspire to leave me behind to be with someone else hurts me to the core and has caused me severe emotional distress. I’m at an all-time low in my self-identity and am suffering very severe self-esteem crisis. I am seeing a therapist, on medication, and attempting to work through the issue with my wife.
I am not sure why you and your ex-husband separated and divorced. Knowing what I do now, I can imagine that he may have had other infidelities, or you may have even been aware of the relationship between my wife and your ex-husband. If the latter is the case, I don’t know whether to thank you or curse you for keeping me in the dark.
As is only natural, I am projecting a lot of anger and violent thoughts towards your ex-husband. I find myself mentally plotting revenge, even though I am a non-violent person. I know it’s a projection and that I won’t actually do anything that is outside of my nature, but the feelings are intensely personal and very graphic. If I could go back to the day your ex-husband picked my wife up for a roll in the back of a pickup truck and I happened to have a baseball bat….. I also know that I’m putting more of the blame on him than he is actually to blame for as it takes two to do what they did.
I have considered working with my wife to bring this to the attention of the State PROFESSIONAL board, writing letters to Colorado State or other PROFESSIONAL Schools, but do not know if this will just cause harm to her or is a worthwhile endeavor at all. If your ex-husband used his profession and his practice as some sort of sick sexual predatory scheme or some quid pro quo to naïve young female PROFESSIONAL Students, which I honestly don’t consider my wife to be naïve, he is indeed a sick individual and a sexual predator. If he seeks out young women as externs and/or interns for this purpose it should be address as he has hurt us. If he has hurt others or continues to hurt others this is a problem and it must be stopped. However, as with the violent images, I will probably move on in my life unless given a reason to do otherwise.
If you were aware of your ex-husband infidelities, then you may be aware of the pain and questioning that I am living through every day. For that, I can only say that I am sorry we were both affected by this betrayal of trust by someone that we each loved. If this is news for you, then I can say that I’m sorry for bringing it to your attention when you have moved on or even if you are still trying to move on. If this in some weird way brings you peace as you may have not known, but had suspicions, or were thinking you were responsible for the failure of your marriage, then so be it.
My wife and I have decided to try to repair our marriage. I have asked for a strict no-contact rule between her and your ex-husband and have also had her do some reading, start therapy, and we will likely see a family therapist before this is behind us, if we can put it behind us.
My therapist and I discussed whether I should write or even send you this letter. She thinks that it will benefit me as it provides me with more putting my thoughts in perspective, but may harm someone else that I have no wish to cause pain to. I want to let you know that I do not believe you shoulder any of the blame or are in any way responsible for what happened between my wife and your ex-husband. On the contrary, I have done a lot of soul searching and realize that when the initial contact took place, I was in a bad place emotionally and that my wife may have looked elsewhere for what I was not providing her at the time. While I do share in the culpability of the condition of our marriage at the time the affair started, the blame and responsibility of the decision to actually have a physical affair belongs solely to them.
If you feel like replying, you are welcome to. If you hate me for bringing this to your attention or hate my wife for what she has done, I can understand. If I never hear from you I will assume that you have either thrown this out before reading or have moved on and would not want to spend the time or energy to formulate a response. I do have one request of you if you choose to take any action; I request that if you choose to confront your ex-husband with these facts that you do so without providing him the actual contents of this message. I know it not something I have any basis for asking you, in particular if I have hurt you, but do ask of you to honor this request for me, the betrayed individual in my side of these events.
My e-mail address is REMOVED. My phone number is ALSO REMOVED. If you want to call and vent at me, I will listen. If you want to call and discuss it, I will listen and be open and honest with you regarding what I know, how I know, and share my thoughts with you as well.
Again, I apologize if this has opened an old wound.
Kind Regards and an Honest Apology,
MY NAME.
