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We have been working on our marriage almost 3 years. My BH found out about a 4 year affair I had with my college bf. By the time he had found the affair was over for about 7 months. There has been absolutely no contact since then. He found out via a text when the OM text to see how I was and possibly meet for coffee. During the affair we met about 18 times, 8 times were intimate and the others were for coffee, or dinner when he was in my area. The first year was truly agonizing for us, especially my BH because I hurt him beyond belief. We have done intensive MC and the last year we have tapered off to every 2 months but our lives continue to be an emotional rollercoaster. I am totally remorseful and have tried to do everything he needs and asks for as well as what our MC suggests. We just celebrated our 25th anniversary in May. We have had many good times but there continues to be dark days as well. My BH believes I have not told him everything. But I have. I am willing to take a lie detector tests but realize they may not be 100% accurate. I love my husband and would do anything to help him get thrue this. Does anyone have experience with taking this test and would it even help? What else can I do to possibly help him trust me? I don't think it is possible for me to be any more transparent than I have been these last 3 years...

Me, FWW 54

BH 55

DDay9/7/11

Married 25 years

2 kids-22 and 20

Together-trying so very hard to R

[This message edited by sososry at 5:46 PM, July 10th (Thursday)]

What else can I do to possibly help him trust me?

take the test.

Hi and welcome to SI.

I took the test after two rounds of TT (trickle truth). My BH insisted on it as a condition of R. While it didn't solve all the problems, it was a huge tool in our moving forward. Like I said, it's definitely not a cure-all, just another tool that will hopefully help your BH.

Have you talked to your BH about your taking one? What are his thoughts?

I agree with the others. Take the test. Your willingness to do so should help him.

In reality, you cheated on him longer than you've been in recovery. It takes TIME for us betrayed spouses to line those kinds of facts up. Taking a proactive step like the test could be a good stepping stone for you.

Yes, I have told him I will take it. He is afraid I will lie and then it will be over. There is nothing left to lie about. I think my BH knows more about the other man more than I ever did (he met with him numerous times and talked to him on the phone after he found out) I did Start out TT and of course that made it much worse. But finally, during our first year of counselling he knows all the details that I can remember as accurately as I can remember. I read somewhere if you get to the point of having to take a lie detector test its probably over and you should save your money...but I will take the test.

. I read somewhere if you get to the point of having to take a lie detector test its probably over and you should save your money

Some might say the same thing about cheating. That's a personal decision.

Your BH's fears are understandable. My BH couldn't have me take one unless he knew that if I was lying he would be okay with what he had to do next.

That shouldn't be a problem since you won't be lying.

I read somewhere if you get to the point of having to take a lie detector test its probably over and you should save your money

I think that kind of "wisdom" comes from people who have never been though this.

What kind of IC has your husband done? The comment about you lying and needing to be done concerns me. I'd hope by now he'd be ok with that outcome.

I took one for my BS after a second DDay a little over a year from our anti-versary. (I had two AP's back to back, but only told him about the first one because I was afraid he'd leave me if he found out more).

I gave him a full disclosed timeline before the actual polygraph and, like you, was terrified of the test's accuracy. After all, everything in my and my BH's future relied on it working!

My advice? Go. Be truthful. Your BS needs to know that you are being completely honest so that he can not feel like he's in limbo land. Limbo is hell (as I learned quickly by having to wait a day for the poly results). Give your BS whatever he needs. This doesn't mean it's over, it means that your BS is looking for ground to stand on so he can try and feel some closure on his doubt with what you've told him.

Best of luck.

I was ready to D when my WH refused a polygraph. He finally took it and passed. We went with the UTAH method which has one of the highest accuracy rates. I now feel capable of R.