Wow, what an interesting week this has turned out to be. We've had our 6 month antiversaries, fun, not. I feel like this week has been a sucking hole of hell in some ways. It began last Saturday, with a great night to begin with, laughing, enjoying each other. Then I made reference to a beach we had gone to not long after dday and he replied with the wrong town... A town that he and OW had discussed as a place she wanted to go with him. Wow did that send me for a spin. He swears black and blue it wasn't because of her, she was no where near his head and that he never went there with her. Thing is, I will never know the truth, so yeah, I freaked out, night ruined and most of the next day, but eventually had to move on.
Then this week, I have just spiralled down. WH keeps saying that ppl on SI are right, around 6 months the anger kicks in. I decided to finally look at the phone bill during his affair. I have been trying to avoid it in the name of not pain shopping. But I think I really was just scared of what I would find. I knew it was bad, WH went through it not long after DDay 2 and was horrified by how bad it looked, he never thought it was that intense. So I had forewarning. I think I really just wanted to prove that he wasn't lying about when it started. Obviously with the A having started on FB I can't know that for sure. But I wanted to check that what he had told me about the phone contact was true. And it was. In honesty, that was a relief. I finally had some concrete evidence that he had been telling me the truth. The phone bill itself was horrifying. So many special dates when he was in contact with her. It made me feel ill. I shook through most of it, obviously cried and after WH came home, did a bit of yelling and venting.
Yesterday was horrible. Really for the first time, since dday explosion, I really wanted him to hurt. I stopped answering his phone calls and texts and really wanted him to feel what it was like to have the possibility that I could be gone, without a word, discussion, utterance, just as he had left our marriage to have an affair. Not particularly healthy, I was just in such a dark place. He came home at lunch, and all over his face was fear. It didn't make me feel good, but I think I needed to see it.
Then last night... If you know my story, you know that WH went to see her to break it off on dday 1, at the time he was still covering his ass in terms of giving me the truth, so I have never known if I could trust what happened when he was with her that day. You would also know that 2 days after he broke it off with her, OW sent a text claiming they had sex and she wasn't aware he was married at the time they had. More crap that I have had to deal with in trying to sift through the wreckage of this marriage.
So anyway, it really started with yesterday, OW's maybe boyfriend turned up at WH's work, appeared to be there for nothing more then what any other customer was there for, didn't make eye contact with WH, or acknowledge him in any way. WH however freaked out, was texting me the whole time he was there. We have never told her maybe boyfriend because we are not sure of what the relationship is and because I believe she is a bunny boiler in the making (furthered by events later that night). I'm not going to put my family at risk, or my healing at this point to tell him. I have discussed this a lot in IC because it goes against my values, but she agrees that natural justice will take care of their relationship. We can all agree to disagree on this topic. Anyway, it sparked something in me. It reiterated that she has all the power and we have none, I'm scared to leave this house for fear of running into her and not knowing what she would do, I've been scared that she would turn up here, and then the maybe boyfriend shows up at WH's work and it felt like our town was way too small. I just wanted to escape.
Fast forward to that night and I get an idea in my head. I decide to use the maybe boyfriend showing up at WH's work as an excuse for WH to call OW and reiterate no contact, find out if he knows etc. I knew it would freak WH out, but I also knew it would provide vital information to me as I knew WH would never have predicted I would ask him to do this. I was also scared, we hadn't heard from her since 2 days after dday and I didn't want the door to be reopened but I NEEDED to finally have some proof of some things, I was stuck, and the hole had become deep and dark and I was getting to a stage that not knowing was probably going to cost me my marriage. So he called her, hid his new number and she answered!
Soooooo, interestingly, she didn't hang up when she heard who it was. My guess is, if he had been calling to restart things, she wouldn't have necessarily been against it. She got confused as to why he was calling to reiterate no contact when she hadn't pursued contact, actually she harped on this, saying how he must need more closure or something. Even when he said that was exactly what it was, she still "didn't get it". Anyway, proof that they really have had no contact!! Maybe boyfriend being at WH work came up when she couldn't understand why he was calling, WH asked if they were together now, she said no, however when he said he had thought about telling maybe boyfriend, she got pretty defensive and angry, even though she still held onto the fact that she was single at the time, that WH was the dirty cheater and that she had done nothing wrong. She was very into, "but that's not going to help me, that's just going to make it harder for me" (they work together, in a high school) WH just said, well why would he care if you were single at the time. She just kept on the woe is me. In the end she started threatening that WH would be sorry if her maybe boyfriend was told, that he better not defame her character etc. I couldn't believe the amount of denial this girl is in (and I use girl on purpose, she's 28, but she is still stuck in high school maturity). She threatened to come to our door if WH hung up if he didn't say he wouldn't tell maybe boyfriend, he refused and the phone cut out a few minutes later. Not sure if she hung up, or if it cut out. If it cut out, she would have tried his old number which is disconnected. She never showed up last night, and there is a chance she could call his work or show up there, but we have talked about what WH will do if this happens, and we are both clear. We also called the police to find out our rights about her being on our property and if it escalates further.
So what I learned-
- NC has not been broken in the last 6 months
- They never had sex (text message was discussed, she claims not to have written it, and when asked directly she said no, they did not have sex)
- She seemed to have no idea I might be listening
- She has no remorse for the part she played
- She is or was probably with maybe boyfriend, or has hopes that they will be together again
-That about the NC, sex and start of their phone contact, WH has not lied to me
- WH, though scared, made the phone call without my need to directly ask, was firm in his stance that he never wanted anything to do with her and did everything that I asked
WH was actually elated at the end. I think for the first time in his life he actually took control, stood up for himself and didn't care that she wouldn't like him at the end. It was good to see in some ways and scary in others, but that's mostly just the fear talking.
So was the phone call perfect, no. Did I get what I needed from it. Yes. I just needed to have some proof finally. Something to hold onto when it gets dark again. Are we all fixed, no. Could there be consequences, yes, but for the first time, I kind of feel like WH would actually face them with me. Not hide behind me, or try and fix it solo, but actually with me.
So I'm left today with a little bit of peace, but a sense that the playing field has just been transformed and I'm not sure where I'm sitting. Like I've been displaced and I need to get my bearings. So much has happened, and I probably haven't been very articulate in my ramblings, I apologise for that. Just needed to get it all out. Out of my head where it has been spinning for the last week or so.
Who knows what will happen next...
