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Divorce/Separation :
Good News/Bad news Question

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 cvs2kkids (original poster member #41298) posted at 5:14 PM on Friday, July 11th, 2014

We've been doing IHS for a couple of months now, but STBXWW is finishing up her job this week-end and then moving 90 miles away on Monday. We've been playing nice, but I'll be glad she goes so I can make NC work better.

Yesterday, she and my DD15 had a girls day, which included her buying groceries for the kids and I. But then they went to go do some other stuff, and ended up staying unannounced away all night.

I knew what city they were in, and am 90% certain they went to OM. Really pissed but not much I can do. DD and I will be alone tonight. Should I pty her for any info or just let it drop?

Philippians 4:6-7

6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your min

posts: 241   ·   registered: Nov. 10th, 2013   ·   location: NB Canada
id 6868736
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devistatedmom ( member #24961) posted at 5:19 PM on Friday, July 11th, 2014

Is your child going to stay with you when your wife moves away?

I think that would make a difference on how I handled it. For the most part, I would let it go, but if your DD is staying with you I would send an email, after your XW has left, to say that in the future, if she is taking your DD away overnight, you are to be informed of where she will be staying and with who.

BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.

posts: 5921   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2009   ·   location: Canada
id 6868741
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SBB ( member #35229) posted at 5:24 PM on Friday, July 11th, 2014

Do you have a NO new partners for X time clause in your agreement? Or a no overnights?

Do you think your DD met or spent time with OM? This is something I would want to know but I would be hesitant about grilling her about it. Then again I wouldn't want my girls to keep secrets from me either whether or their own volition or at their dad's urging.

Unless you have it in your agreement then there is nothing you can do. I would be more concerned about DD keeping secrets (if you think she saw him and didn't tell you).

If you are asking because you want to know about STBXWWs movements I would not ask as it is no longer your business. Your daughter is - STBXWW is not.

I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

posts: 6062   ·   registered: Apr. 4th, 2012   ·   location: Australia
id 6868750
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nekorb ( member #40306) posted at 5:52 AM on Saturday, July 12th, 2014

If you want to know you need to ask STBXWW, not your DD.

Don't put her in the position of feeling like she is "reporting" to you about her mom.

Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 M - 22 Years
D-day: 7/2013; D filed 7/2014; Divorced 7-27-16
...the WS affair starts off in a dreamland where everything is all Golly, Wow! and Meant To Be! and Soul Mates drop from the trees to frolic in the mist. -devotedman

posts: 5796   ·   registered: Aug. 13th, 2013
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Ashland13 ( member #38378) posted at 1:50 AM on Sunday, July 13th, 2014

In the "agreement" here there is also a bullet or area of language that says if either parent takes kids anywhere for x amount of time that they need to give the other parent the phone numbers, address and even names of who is there.

It's so hard but if you can, I agree with the post that says don't press DD. ETA that I've heard of some people who have gotten in trouble for this and it also can make a kid feel pretty weird.

What I learned is that at certain times of day, like when we go on our walk, DD here opens up and gets chatty. I used to hate her talking about OW but now I let her a little and have learned some really interesting things. Then I redirect the conversation if she starts to gossip or it gets to triggers.

And bringing it up to x may get you song and dance or run around, come to think of it, like here it is pointless, so it may be good for the lawyer pile.

I know how you feel, btw. Perv is trying repeatedly to get me to let my kids stay with Ow when he isn't "home" at the Lurveshack at all. He told me if I meet her, she won't be a stranger. (?) It was the first time in my whole life I ever said the f word to the guy when his back went out the door.

ETA I saw the end of your post and am sorry for the holiday dday. It was the same time of year here too.

[This message edited by Ashland13 at 7:53 PM, July 12th (Saturday)]

Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington

posts: 3034   ·   registered: Feb. 7th, 2013   ·   location: New England
id 6870163
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 cvs2kkids (original poster member #41298) posted at 4:49 PM on Thursday, July 17th, 2014

Thanks for all your advice.

She has opened up to me some, to confirm my fears, but I don't make a fuss out of it.

I'm lucky, she's pretty open with her brother (DS 20) and he alerts me of any issues that I should be aware.

The problem is, STXWW lies about everything now, and is asking DD 15 to cover for her.

I've explained to DD that neither of us should ever ask that, and if we are, we're probably doing something we shouldn't.

One thing she told me, her mom isn't so taken with the AP anymore cause he's on the phone constantly and deleting messages (imagine that ).

Philippians 4:6-7

6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your min

posts: 241   ·   registered: Nov. 10th, 2013   ·   location: NB Canada
id 6875594
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IrishGirlVA ( member #39694) posted at 6:36 PM on Thursday, July 17th, 2014

her mom isn't so taken with the AP anymore cause he's on the phone constantly and deleting messages

Oh Karma, how I love thee!

posts: 1642   ·   registered: Jun. 27th, 2013   ·   location: Virginia
id 6875751
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Acer0112 ( member #43241) posted at 6:41 PM on Thursday, July 17th, 2014

Sounds like you handled this well.

I have been tempted - and have acted - several times to ask what happened, where did they go, or if they overhear WH talking on phone or to relatives and have questions - just the simple facts. I'm restraining my curiosity more.

The kids therapist reminded me to hold my questions, to not make the kids feel like they have to tell me things, to not put them in an awkward situation. If they willingly provide information, then I am grateful.

Your DD sounds like an amazing young lady, you are very lucky to have your kids feel comfortable talking with you. I hope mine continue as well (11, 13).

D-Day 1/24/14
D-Day2 04/08/14, false R
17yrs married, 23yrs together
Two kids in middle school
Divorced 10/2014

posts: 203   ·   registered: Apr. 26th, 2014
id 6875761
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ShiningAutumn8 ( member #42558) posted at 8:26 PM on Thursday, July 17th, 2014

Exposing your child to your AP for an overnight visit no less is really frowned upon by judges where I live (conservative South). Its often grounds to get custody changed.

It is extremely upsetting to children to see their parent's with a new BF or GF -- and the fact you two are still married and in the same house just shows complete disregard by your WW for your DD's feelings.

Id do all I could to put a stop to this.

But no I wouldn't question DD, unless you could just casually say "So where'd y'all go last night?" and see if she opens up

posts: 1289   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2014
id 6875893
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 cvs2kkids (original poster member #41298) posted at 5:04 PM on Friday, July 18th, 2014

Exposing your child to your AP for an overnight visit no less is really frowned upon by judges where I live (conservative South). Its often grounds to get custody changed.

The problem for me is we have a fairly loosely worded SA. Our DD is 15, and in our system, the kids have a lot of say in whom they choose to live with. She hasn't been with her mother since the night they stayed with OM (and talk about affairing down!!)and doesn't want to go back till STXWW get's her own place, which she is.

DD seeing her mom for what she's become, and that bothers me most. Never any winners when kids realize they're not priority #1 to one of their parents anymore.

Philippians 4:6-7

6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your min

posts: 241   ·   registered: Nov. 10th, 2013   ·   location: NB Canada
id 6876954
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