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I mistakenly thought I was ready to R once we started MC. I think I was wrong. I keep reliving my nightmare and though he insists it never became PA, I can't seem to get past what he did. How can someone who says he loves you so much express the same words to someone else and expect me to believe he did not mean it? How could he tell her "don't let her abuse you if she calls you"? Those are not the words of someone who doesn't care. I'm so disappointed, hurt, confused. I can't wrap myself around all of this. Help.

(((clueless1)))

I'm sorry you're having a rough time tonight. It does sometimes feel like you've slipped into an alternate dimension, doesn't it? Like this couldn't possibly be happening to you?

I don't know your backstory, but let me just say that most of us heard "I didn't have sex with AP", and the majority of the time it was a LIE.

The fact that he is worried about the OW feeling abused by you vs the other way around is a red flag for me.

Are you in IC in conjunction with your MC?

Hang in there. It does get better. Not quickly at all though.

I had to read your prior posts to get an idea of your situation and remember posting on your thread.

Your husband was blaming YOU for his dirty little affair with a single mom out in California, claiming it was all your fault because you didn't pay enough attention to him. Aww, poor little man child.

You found emails discussing their plans for her to come to NJ in January so they could meet but he claims she never made it (what a load of swill).

I think the reason you're in limbo and can't start to reconcile with him is because he's still lying to you - and you know it. How the heck can anyone lay their heart on the line and put all that effort into reconciling with someone when they know they're still being deceived? What's the point of that?

Of COURSE he got to the OW and told her what to say to you when you called. You can't believe a thing out of her mouth - he told her what lies to tell you. And how Sir Galahad of him to tell her not to allow YOU to 'abuse' her. My, my, isn't he just the big protector? What a joke.

Since your husband is a big huge liar, I would highly suggest a polygraph test. Let's make something very clear. Cheaters ONLY admit to what you KNOW and have proof of. Since you don't have proof or emails talking about her visit to NJ, he'll never, ever admit to it. He's only admitting to what he absolutely HAS to - and trying to justify it all along the way. Yeah, I saw that he 'admitted' the affair was his fault and not yours in MC, but it just sounds like a whole lot of lip service to me. I think you're getting that feeling too, since you're still hesitant to begin reconciliation (you're a smart lady).

So, google "polygraph test + your city in NJ" and check out the results. There should be a viable polygraph source within 100 miles of you. Polys generally cost from $300-$800 and can bring about amazing confessions. No, they're not 100% accurate, but they sure can intimidate huge liars into what's called 'parking lot confessions.' Make no mistake, a lot of arrogant, lying cheaters really think they're superior and can ace a lie detector test - gotta love their over-inflated egos, don't you? A lot of them actually do think they're much smarter and oh so much more clever than a poly. Others go into a panic and start searching on the internet for 'how to beat a polygraph test.' The parking lot confession is usually given by a liar whose time has run out - you've pulled into the parking lot of the polygraph test facility and as you're getting out of the car, you get a sudden confession from the cheater because he/she knows the jig is up.

But that confession is usually STILL not the entire truth - it's just a small kibble of truth you weren't given before, in the hopes that you'll cancel the poly now that you think you have the truth. They know they're beat. But don't fall for it - insist that the polygraph test be given ANYWAY because there's always more truth to be had. In fact, you should make it a condition of reconciliation. He refuses to take it? Then he's still hiding something and therefore, I wouldn't bother to invest a single second of effort into him.

Schedule that poly, Clueless. You need to get the truth from him.

Cheaters ONLY admit to what you KNOW and have proof of.

That is SO true. And even then some lie when you have hard evidence. The best is when they lie about shit they don't think you know. It's a huge wake up call to who you're married to.

thank you for your support. to his credit and he doesn't have much, he has volunteered to take a polygraph from the get go. So far he seems to be committed to me and our family. I think he's doing everything he's supposed to in order for us to mend our M. I just go from being hopeful to hopeless in the drop of a hat. I can't identify any triggers my mind just runs with thoughts of their relationship. When does it end? will it ever end?

Some people cannot have a life with someone who would behave this way. Give yourself time to decide if YOU want to be in a relationship with this guy.

As for the polygraph--is that who you are? Someone who has a lie detector test to tell you if he's being honest? Be kind to yourself and don't you dare let him blame you for his terrible actions.

...he has volunteered to take a polygraph from the get go.

Great!

Just an FYI - most of them DO make the claim that they'd be willing to take a lie detector test - that is, UNTIL they're forced to put their money where their mouth is and you actually SCHEDULE one for them.

Then, it's a whole different ballgame. You'll see tons of back-peddling, sputtering and hissing, panicking and of course, the indignant refusal to take the test because golly gee, you should just blindly believe everything out of their lying mouths, didn't you know that? And they'll also tell you how degrading it is for them to have to be subjected to this, and how pitiful you are that you felt the need to go to these lengths, and on and on and on.

Anything to avoid the poly test.

So when is yours scheduled for, clueless? I'm rooting for you!

How can someone who says he loves you so much express the same words to someone else and expect me to believe he did not mean it?

Oh, he meant it, every word, and now he feels like crap because of it, but do not be decived by yourself, yes you want to believe him but you cannot, just as you want to believe that when he says, "I love you darling" it is not just sounds but feelings.

He had feelings, the WSs of the world had their feelings and expressed them in words to their APs.

You can try to punish him all your life for what he did (and fail to ever live again), or you can get over it, or you can leave him and find someone more trustworthy and loyal, but if he were a real man he would RESPECT your "womanly instincts" and at least ADMIT what he experiened, so you dont have to think that your understanding of it is false (gaslighting your thoughts and emotions) when it was true!

He needs to be a man about this and come clean (emotionally and spiritually).

Step.

[This message edited by steppingup at 12:18 PM, July 21st (Monday)]